BPDFamily.com

Some background information: I broke up with her two weeks ago, it was our second recycle, this time, it's final. I've intercepted her having an active dating profile, again, and with her history of cheating on me and others, so no surprise. Having multiple attachments for a BPD is like having multiple set of cutlery for different purposes, in this case, offsetting anxiety. I don't blame her anymore.  

Actually, I already feel detached and quite releived not to be around her. I just want to highlight a single sentence from her dating profile, it was written by a 38 years old woman about the ideal partner: "I want to worship him like a God".

I already went through almost every available BPD related literature from Kernberg to Masterson, but it's still shocking to get an insight into her mind.

You know what's more frightening? Being honest with myself, shifting the focus and getting an insight into my own mind. To concede that we are both equally disordered in our own ways.

We both NEEDED each other to feel whole stemming from childhood neglect. Neither of us loved the other for their unique qualites. She was getting her needs met by subconciously exploiting the available narcisstic supply, my compulsive giving and making her life comfortable on the other hand, was just another method to get narcissistic supply and approval from her or more like what she represented to me.  

Welcome

Back Boris

It seems like you got some closure this time and are prepared to turn the mirror inward.  It's been a painfull journey working through what I was projecting and reconnecting to myself.

I'm sorry Boris. I have to agree I had my own dysfunctional thinking. That said, a profile with that sentence sends a BIG   . I'm happy I did the work. Thanks for sharing BorisAcusio.

Good digging Boris; one gift of these relationships is they can 'inspire' us to look closely at ourselves and discover some truths that might have gone unexamined otherwise.  I'm careful to not throw around the term 'childhood neglect' too easily though; I wasn't neglected as a child, beyond having parents who didn't communicate their emotions very well, but every human on the planet wonders if they're 'enough' at one point or another, and there's a line between caring about someone and focusing on meeting their needs, and rescuing or caretaking, it's up to us to decide which side of the line we're on, and just as important, if that caring is genuinely reciprocated.

Does pure selflessness exist?  Everyone, from Mother Teresa on down, gives to other people 'selflessly' because it makes them feel good, otherwise they wouldn't do it, but giving is always selfish in that sense.  And the word 'selfish' gets a bad rap, but we must take care of ourselves first, or we have nothing to give.  If giving makes us feel good and helps someone it's win-win, but it's not selfless.


.  That statement is pure bait for someone who is feeling 'neglected', looking for external validation.  I could imagine my ex using it, and I'm not sure if she would know consciously why she was saying it, or on some unconscious level she just knew that it worked, but I'm sure it is very effective at affecting an attachment and beginning an idealization phase with a susceptible suitor.  Wow, hindsight is 20-20, and it's profound now for me to realize I fell for that crap hook, line and sinker, but also encouraging that I see it clearly now, which will most likely help me avoid it in the future.  Thanks borderline, and live and learn.

I think you're saying vulnerable narcissist.

And once again there's a line there.  The definition of narcissism is having love and admiration for yourself, which far from being a bad thing is a very good thing, although when it gets obsessive and excessive we label it Narcissism with a capital N and make it a Thing.  And the definition of altruism is the selfless concern for the welfare of others, although when we combine it with narcissism and make it Vulnerable Narcissism, it becomes another thing, and describes someone who uses their 'selflessness' to bolster their feelings of omnipotence and self-importance. 

So which side of the line are we on?  Loving and admiring yourself while having concern for the welfare of others are very good things, although if we end up feeling good because we care for others and contribute to their welfare, we're getting something out of it, so by definition it's not selfless.  But that's not a bad thing; as with most things it's only an issue when taken to extremes, or when the focus shifts to a desire to give to get; the only way to get the feel-good of selfless service is to actually focus on that selflessness.  Focusing on giving to get won't work.

Many people cheat on their gods, so she's being truthful.

Was the next line, "Until I devalue and denounce him?"

The 'giving' you do can be done with yourself to good effect.

Vulnerable Narcissism is when you sacrifice your own happiness (especially to an extreme), for others. I've done it all of my life, both with the people in my life and just my obsessive thoughts about wanting to save the world or do something super amazing for the world, until it becomes a neurotic obsession. I think of it as a sort of introverted narcissism. Your narcissistic supply becomes your own martyrdom. Honestly, it stems from unworthiness, shame, etc, just like regular narcissism. But the outward result for others is much different. You can call it whatever you want. It robs you of your happiness, and in tern makes it so you have nothing left to give. I don't think it's healthy.