BPDFamily.com

I was cheated on in a previous relationship and didn't really know how to deal with it. Eventually that relationship ended.

The one I'm in now is with a BPD female. I didn't know much of anything about the mental characteristics of the disorder but I need insight into myself if anyone has similar issues and is brave enough to admit them or explain to me the root of them. I will also offer my own theory.

I fell for the same head over heels love bombing, etc with this person. 3 months in, boom she stood me up. It activated those same feelings of knowing better, from the last relationship when I was cheated on. I ruminated over that night. I knew something probably happened. It is then when I realized something not good. I'm learning that the thought of her doing something with another person sexually turns me on. I'm thinking it's my brain's way of coping with anxiety overload, turning a pain into a pleasure but it's concerning. A month later it turned out my suspicion was true. It happened twice. Despite the fact it turned me on to think about, when it happened I was devastated as anyone would be and had all the same feelings of jealousy, anger, betrayal etc.

The thing is, I know it's destructive but it's like I can't help it. And her condition I think fuels this sense of wanting to control. After the incident, she became more verbal during sex with me. I think she was testing the waters but unfortunately I bit on stuff that most people would probably throw her out of bed over. She'd say stuff like, "You're gonna let me do whatever I want, because you want this" or "you have rules you must obey, I don't" It's almost like her domineering turned me on as I'm sure to an EXTENT it does every guy. But the facts are this was real life and what was happening was this battle between my sexual drive and turn on vs. my emotional well being as I knew it was destructive.

As the relationship progressed, and I tried to move past that incident, I had all the same feelings of lack of trust, trying to regain a footing, etc anyone would have. And she hasn't done it since, I know this for several reasons, we spend a lot of time together and snooping got the best of me a couple times so I'm confident. She was very sorry and those phrases she uses that are domineering etc, only come out during sex. She gets embarrassed by them or doesn't respond if I've ever tried talking about them away from bed.

My question is, how could something like submission to a controlling domineering overbearing person possibly become a sexual stimulant to me? What is the psychology underlying me why this turns me on? Im an assertive guy, If someone barked orders at me, even her, I'd blow up just as much as the next guy. I'm not subservient in my day to day life, but this fantasy world is a sexual overload to me and I find it tough to control. Anyone with similar experiences or insight it would be appreciated.