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Title: Introduction first thread Post by: Jgal on November 22, 2014, 11:59:51 PM Not sure where to begin. I have been married for 20 years to a NPD/BPD/ADHD spouse. We met at church. He went from idealizing me while we were dating to despising me after we were married--starting the day after our wedding. I prayed harder and tried to be kinder and more loving. I thought if I cooked more, cleaned more, overlooked his offenses and prayed more, that things would be better and that he would actually like me and possibly love me. He is verbally abusive, critical, and volatile. I came upon the book Stop Walking on Eggshells about 2 years ago, and everything started to make sense to me.
After 15 years of counseling, I finally summoned the courage to speak up and ended up filing for a legal separation. It's been almost two years of legal battling, which is awful. However, my kids and I have such peace in our home now that he's out of the house. I had such fear every night as I never knew what he might do. I do feel embarrassed by my situation as I do not want to be divorced but feel pushed in a corner with no other options. I was hoping he would realize he cannot be abusive to me and the children. However, he is so twisted that he thinks I'm the one causing the problems. He told the children that I was living in sin and disobeying God and that I needed to apologize to him and to God. He took my money and credit cards and checkbook because I won't agree with his verbal attacks on our children. He has two personas--the public one and the one when he was in our home. The thing that is most hurtful is the lies and slander that he tells about me to others. It's terrible. I'm hoping to find some support or insight in this blog. What a nightmare. Title: Re: Introduction first thread Post by: Ceruleanblue on November 23, 2014, 12:16:46 AM *welcome*
Well, my Christian faith got me locked into an 18 year marriage, a lot like your described. I don't think he had BPD though. He would never go to counseling, and he pretty much spent 18 years sleeping on the couch, or being angry at me. One day he just walked out. I remarried, and my now husband and I have been together nearly four years total. He's diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and I would bet BPD, he even said that after his last psychiatrist appointment, but then changed his story. He just left me, even though I hung in there, and put up with all you described. Plus, I had the added joy(not) of his three adult daughters hating me, and causing horrible married issues for us. I'm sad, but like you have noticed that my kids and I have peace. I don't have to fear his constant anger, blame, and all the BPD traits. The constant threats of divorce were like emotional torture. I too fear the smear campaign he will probably launch. He'll probably call me crazy, just like he did his ex. His ex has stabbed him, hit him with a hammer, and done crazy stuff, so there is some fact in it, but I'm now wondering... .what did HE do? If he was half as awful to her as he was to me, that doesn't make it okay, but he pushes, and pushes his victim. He can't paint me as crazy though, because any physical assaults were the ones he enacted on ME. I guess we just have to make peace with wasted time, enjoy our kids, and TRY to not worry about the smear campaign. I know I did my best, even my psychiatrist said that. Oh, and I didn't get diagnosed with anything except anxiety(due to my situation, no doubt), and he hated that. So good luck painting me crazy. I wanted to stand by mine, but he left, I think mostly because of his adult daughters. They wouldn't accept me, or allow me around their babies. I'm sure his girls are PD too. I hope they all have fun wallowing in their dysfunction, because I'm going to pray, surround myself with better people, and find peace. Keep coming here, it's a good place. Title: Re: Introduction first thread Post by: Mutt on November 23, 2014, 12:47:20 AM Hi Jgal,
*welcome* I would like to join Ceruleanblue and welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for what your going through. It's terrible he's putting the kids in the middle with divorce poison. He's quite controlling isn't he, trying to emotionally blackmail you with the kids and taking checkbooks away? Smear campaigns are stressful and they're not. I feared it because of all of the real awful stuff my ex said, physically, emotionally and financially abusive. I went to a P and explained. She said "Mutt, no, this has nothing to do with you, it's on her". Radio silence is my best advice. The truth has a way of working it's way out on it's own. Are you seeing a T? How old are the kids? Have you read Bill Eddy's book. Splitting: How to divorce a NPD / BPD? |