BPDFamily.com

Hello all my friends on the staying board. I usually post on the undecided board although I have also been on the Leaving Board at times.

My uBPDw and I have only been married less than two years. We have no kids. No house together. We are older and have "been around the block" before. This is her second marriage and my third.

Lot's has been invested in the relationship. Lots of hopes and dreams. Time. Lots of money. We were a long distance couple. We married. Started the spousal visa process which took 8 months. Finally it came through and she has been here with me for 6 months. I moved mountains to be with her. Spent almost all of an inheritance I got to do it.

6 months of misery. No need for me to go into the particulars. We all share the same story really. Good times, then dysregulating. Blaming. Raging. Push/pull from their fears of abandonment and engulfment. Punishing. Cruelty.

On my end, trying everything I can think of to make her happy, love her harder, put my needs last. I have high anxiety, depression and despair. Sometimes I can barely function.

I am working through the lessons. Learning. Have a T and the support of close friends.

ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT HAVE KIDS OR A LONG TIME INVESTED, why have you stayed? Was it out of pure love? Fear of losing that person? Refusal to let go of a dream? Religious reasons? Other?

I am curious to hear your stories! Thanks!

Hi, I've been with my BPD partner for nearly a year now. And I did leave about half way through. But we got back together, which was my suggestion due to missing her so much and still loving her. What made me stay the first time was the closeness and intensity between us - she was too big a part of my life for me to want to leave and I was scared I wouldn't be complete without her. My life had been built around her, and I had lost a lot of friends by being with her. So I felt that she was the best thing I had in my life. However things turned really sour, she became even more controlling and aggressive, the relationship became too toxic. And I left her. We were broken up for three weeks, and in that time she apologised and owned up to everything wrong she did, and said she wished we could try again and it would be different. She also severely self harmed, and I went with her to hospital. I missed her so much and wanted her back. I was very sad and cried a lot, due to missing her and the idea that we were over. I didn't want anyone else to give her the care that I'd given her. I missed the bond we had. And I missed us each being the main person in each others lives. We got back together, and things were good for a while, but they have since turned very sour again. What makes me stay this time, is the knowledge of how I felt when we broke up the last time, and not wanting to feel that again. She has a very strong hold on me and my life, and I do love her. She's very hard to love sometimes. But at the minute I'm wanting the relationship to stay strong, although it is very rocky because of how she treats me and the things she says. I constantly weigh up the pro's and con's of leaving, but staying wins it at the minute. I just feel like we are bonded very closely, and we are each others centre of happiness, and I feel that I know her better than anybody else could, so the idea of her finding somebody else kills me. That is why I am staying.

Hey, I'm on the leaving board,

What made me stay was the fancy that I had in my head of the person I thought she was. It was toxic and additive, the way I felt the first time she left, left me so messed up, but it also gave me breathing room to rediscover myself. I went back again, I felt illolated and alone, deserving of this, I though she was my second chance, that I could help her, we needed each other, she was everything to me, I was everything to her. I loved her, she didn't love me. I got tired of coming home and picking up the peaces... .got tired of always taking the blame, tired of the lies, manipution, gaslighting... .tired of chacing my tail, trying to get back to that bond we had, that I have never had with anyone... so now I'm out.

I still care a great deal about her, I want what's best for us both... Now she is a trigger for me, as I am for her, I expect her to understand, accept and acknowledge my feelings, but I never have gotten the empathy I needed and deserved, I have rebuilt my life. She has tried to do the same... I hope it works out for both of us... I miss her, but it's better then the intense pressure and heightened awareness I had with her, now I can breath.

Hello Michel71,

My situation: We were together for approximately 18 months, engaged to be married, living together. I stayed through the dark BPD hell because I thought he was my 'one'. At some point, I decided no more abuse, no matter who he is. It was dire and ugly, I was exhausted, confused and had lost my selfhood in seeing to the bottomless pit of his BPD needs, which were never satisfied. That hungry ghost in him was never fed, however I tried.

I am currently undergoing a very slow, gentle re-unifying process with my ex.

I am willing to go ahead with this because he is taking full responsibility for all of the BPD behaviours, and he is making immense progress in his healing and growing as a person.

And, of course, because I love him and always will, whether we can be together or not, and I believe that he loves me the same.

Also, I have taken responsibility for my role in enabling BPD behaviours in him. No matter how well-meaning they were, or how natural, they do not go well when applied to the BPD context... .and I needed to see how I could be a better partner, averting problems as much as possible myself, before I was willing to try again. For example, it is natural to help your partner when they are unhappy, but in BPD it is unwise to help too much as it simply makes them needier. Same with empowering one's partner, which is nice in a healthy relationship but very unwise with a pwBPD. It just gets very ugly and messy instead.

I am now able to state my boundaries and have them respected, which was impossible before. I am now able to speak with him openly, honestly, from my heart and he is now able to listen, to receive me accurately and without layers of defensiveness interfering with his receptivity. That was not possible before. This means that we can actually communicate with eachother now, safely and effectively, non-reactively responding to eachother. We feel we are now equal participants, with love-in-action being the primary objective for each of us -- at last!

One of my boundaries is that of time. We must take every step to closeness very slowly, cautiously and carefully, so that we can each monitor our own behaviours/responses as we go along. The idea is to rebuild solidly in every detail, wherever this is possible.

I have hopes that this strategy of slow and small, very consciously taken steps, will mean that our relationship can become a solid, peaceful, and happy one, strong enough to see us through the challenges of life... .those on the outside of us -- with the internal challenge of BPD no longer interfering with being able to simply live and be productive people.

As you say, we do all share the same story really. I hope you find the answers you need in our individual stories, and wish you the very best.

Take care of yourself,

smoocher.

My partner (99,9 % likely BPD) is wondering the same: how come we are still together after I have technically destroyed his life.  :)

Althought at times life is too much defined by BPD behavior, there ARE OTHER THINGS in relationships, for example mutual interests, business, hobbies, humour, friends, music, food... .intimacy (which also seems to be one of the biggest problems), some more important and some less.

I have interesting projects with my partner (flip side is financial). We laugh together. We like mostly same food and music. We respect each other 'professionally' (that's the only thing he has NEVER questioned: my professional skill or talent). We have good friends.

He has said to me a few times: I'm a difficult guy (insight!), why are you with me? And i have said: 'Only because you are handsome' and then more seriously :' I love you. That's the only explanation I come up with.'

Because she is admitting to her issues and works on herself.  Sure, it's 2 steps forward and 1.9 steps backward, still exhibits all the BPD traits, but she has a desire and a drive to push forward, and after every dysregulation comes a renewed commitment.  And there has been progress.  And you know what?  That's a big thing to see in any relationship.  Sure, the BPD issues are next to impossible and I wish I wasn't dealing with them, but it is nice to be with someone who actually is self-reflective.

Because she'd been beat on her whole life and while she took no accountability that through effort however difficult she could overcome anything.

I just didn't and don't want to see someone who lost their life due to TERRIBLE biological parents, continue down a bad path... .

Breaks my heart, more than me getting beat on by her lol.

Effective use of boundaries and consistency, eventually put an end to all the aggressiveness aimed at me. The disorder is still debilitating but it is not directly channeled through me any more.

That makes it easier to separate the disorder from the person

I've been married for six years and with my uBPDw for about 11.  It's only in the last year that her difficulties have become unbearable and that I've learned they are likely due to BPD.  In all honesty, I feel like the only reasons I'm still with her are (1) we have two young kids, (2) I have little to no support structure where we live (a thousand miles from where I grew up and have friends and family), (3) I reminisce about when things were good (increasingly a long time ago) and (4) I feel like I've grown so accustomed to being ground down that I can't gather the strength to leave.  Not very good reasons, but pretty effective at keeping me stuck.   :'(