BPDFamily.com

So she is out of town. Went back to her country for a week for a visit. Things have been strained and we got into an argument on the day she was leaving. I have talked to her via skype on one occasion only to be disappointed to find out that she wan't to pick up where we left off argument wise. I have sent her emails since. Trying to make up. One of them was particularly sweet and that hit home for her so I think I am forgiven... .well... .for now anyway.

The problem is that I am literally living for her next call or any form of contact.

I expected that this week would be about me, doing things for myself, trying to get some breathing room, enjoying peace and quiet and just being free from the conflict. Instead, I am obsessing about whether or not the relationship is truly going to end and when and how; I am wondering if she misses me at all. I have not been able to sleep well ( only the first night I did). I have bad dreams about her leaving me or not loving me anymore. Bottom line, I feel very weak, insecure and desperate. I am surprised at myself and a little disappointed.

I finally drug myself out of the house after not being able to reach her. I didn't want to. I wanted to hang by the computer just in case she called. I forced myself out the door and on with the errand that I needed to run. All the while I was thinking about her.

I agreed to go to a friends later for a pre-thanksgiving dinner. As much as I was looking forward to this, I just want to cocoon now. Stay home. Be on this site or read my self help books for what I call "power therapy". It is a very desperate effort to find comfort and ease my hurting.

I miss her. I didn't think I would miss her this much. I thought a little distance would strengthen me. It hasn't. I feel worse.

I know exactly how you feel.  I have been broken up with my dBPDxgf since august.  We are riding out a lease until January.  Well she has been gone except stops to get mail for two months.  I had moved on with my life, started living at the gym and focusing on night school.

  Well this tuesday she came back home, the replacement had enough of her ___.  Well all that progress and moving on went out the window when she came back in tears.  We aren't back together, haven't even discussed it but I am a mess.  I had four dreams about her last night, waking every 2 hours.  Despite all the crap, part of me still deeply cares about her.  This has a lot to do with the abrupt out of nowhere break up.  No closure, no explinations, just lots of BPD crazytown dysregulation.

  From my experience I suggest finding hobbies to take your mind off her.  Get out of the house and just change scenery for a couple hours.  I find it hard to socialize when distressed so I get the cocoon feeling.  Hang in there.

This happens to me too.