BPDFamily.com

Got over a bit of a hurdle today.  My uBPDw had her foot surgery this week and needed to go out today.  It was the first time in about three weeks that we have spent an extended time together, in the car and away from the house.  I was extremely apprehensive, but it seemed to go well.  She seems to be trying to sort out some of the stuff she has been dealing with lately, but in a more gentle way.  She is still trapped in her own reality and is still convinced all our issues would go away if I could just get myself straightened out.  Today I listened, but didn't even attempt to refute or comment directly on anything she said regarding me.  I just did my best to express sympathy with what she was feeling without accepting blame or responsibility for any of it.  It is strange to see how she responds positively to validating her feelings, even while I'm specifically avoiding comment on the thing she just accused me of.  It gives some insight into how the BPD mind works.

In my life outside this forum I'm a huge Star Wars fan and all my friends know it.  Lately I've been experimenting with using some visualization techniques to help me not JADE or react negatively to the comments my wife makes.  I've been distracting myself during her verbal attacks by imagining that I'm using the Force to avoid being emotionally impacted :)  I can visualize her attacks and comments being deflected and sliding right by me emotionally, while I am still hearing the words so I can listen to what she says.  Strange as it sounds, it really helped me allow her to say whatever she wanted to without it hurting me.  In the meantime, through "the Force" I focused on tuning into the pain she was feeling that was driving the negativity.

By now I'm sure everyone on here is convinced I'm the one in the alternate universe  :)  But really I'm just exploring ways to detach and indulging myself in a little amusing distraction to keep my mind away from reacting to her attacks. 

I even came up with my own acronym-- JEDI: Just Empathize; Don't Internalize 

Jedi or not, after spending the day being mindful and "using the Force" to make sure the day went well, I am exhausted :)  I feel like Luke Skywalker after a hard day tramping around the swamp helping Yoda lift X-wings  :)

May the force be with you, jedimaster (sorry I couldn't resist:-) )

In all seriousness, I love that you're finding a way to depersonalize the comments. I've tried to think of similar ways of not talking the venom!

Thanks for the levity, jedimaster!  Glad this works for you!  I might just have to give these Jedi mind tricks a try! 

oh jedimaster,

What a lovely post it made me smile :) thank you for sharing it with us. Visualisation can be a really useful technique for all sorts of things. I am happy that it is helping you.

I know you are going to read this lots times, but... .' May the force be with you' 

Reading emotions and not the words is a basic step on the path to getting to grips with this. It also rids your emotions from the impulse to be reactive, but instead to reflect on what is really important. |iiii

This not natural and often takes an analogy like the one you use to help you stick to the principle.

Love the acronym. I'll remember that. Thanks *)

I like the JEDI acronym. How do you not internalize?

Sometimes listening to the things he says feels like swallowing hot acid... and trying to look/act/feel as though nothing is bothering me. It's hard to look for the feelings when the words hurt.

Take off your partner hat and put on your carer hat in times like this. The danger of course is that the carer hat eventually becomes more comfortable than the partner hat.

I'm there, have been for quite a while, and don't know (or not sure if I want to) get back to the partner hat.

Tyvm for this! I'm a huge nerd myself so I totally love it <3

I do tend to put on my "therapist" hat when my hubs is going all dysregulate on me. I have been worried over time if this will spoil the marriage, but when he's not dysregulating, we have a fabulous time together. So far so good :)

JEDI. yay!