BPDFamily.com

As I sit here tonight and think about my 49th birthday tomorrow I keep replaying one event over in my head that I regret.  My BPDxgf owns a cabin up in Wisconsin and we went up there for my 47th for the weekend.  At about 3:00am on my birthday I was woken up by her trying to hang a happy birthday sign across her windows.   Before I saw what she was trying to do I ended up snapping at her because she woke me up and needless to say she didn't appreciate it because of what she was trying to accomplish.

I don't know what it is, but I've always regretted that moment in time.  I think maybe it's because it was something actually genuine that came from her and I rained on her parade.  I still feel really bad about it to this day, but why?  There are hundreds of other incidents where the shoe was on the other foot, but if I could take one thing back from that tumultuous three years with her it would be that so she could have her moment.

Certainly yes.

I have been a difficult person to be around for the last 6 months,  I have caused pain to my friends and family lashing out in trigger points. I just have a thin threshold and mild slights that normally I'd brush off just really get to me now.

Honestly, I did a lot of crappy things to her and to my friends and family. I was mostly running on instinct, neurosis, disassociation and shame/low self esteem for the last 10 years of the relationship. I won't even go into some of the things I did, it disturbs me.

add me to the list. i realize now that the proper response to some of what she did and said was a hug, not the (thoroughly reasonable but thoroughly misplaced) impatience that i displayed. she had a right to be unhappy. the work of recovery for me is to suss out why i responded the way i did. frankly i was appalled at myself sometimes.

Happy Birthday Raybo!

I imagine you, like me, were expected to be perfect and always tolerant of their crazy behaviour and never get upset, never show emotion or disapproval.  You can only do this for so long.  You are human.  Like me and everyone here.  So you pick a moment you weren't perfect and feel horrible for it.  I know, I've done it too.  But try to remember to have some compassion for yourself!  You were dealing with an absolutely impossible solution and crazy-making stuff.  I think we did well to survive!

That's *the* question, isn't it?  Could it be because you actually care?  

Could it be time to let yourself off the hook, to accept that you are only human?  I think we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold others to, including our BPD exes.  And they play right into it.  They act as though there is a different standard for them, and a different standard for us.  They are allowed to act like selfish children, and we are expected to accommodate -that is, "if" we really love them.  Yet when we are reasonably disturbed or upset by their behavior, even if there was something well-intended in it, we feel like we've done something terrible.  Give yourself a break, man.

I bet you probably feel badly because you don't want to let her go, so you would rather hold on by punishing yourself over things like this.  It's okay to let her go, to even let go of the *good* she did.  What you probably feel underneath it all is something like, "Why did you have to put me in the position to be angry at you even when you were doing something nice?  Why did you have to do that?"

My ex had absolutely no regard for my sleep... .she would leave the lights on in the room, be on your computer, watch television all night, and occasionally she would do nice things.  And on the few times I reacted angrily against it, I was treated like I was the worst person in the world.  But I'm not.

With a BPD person, everything they do (even if it is something nice for us) is on their terms and on their time, and we are treated as though we are always wrong for having something to say about that.  But we aren't.

Thank you Pingo!  

Yea, by the time that weekend rolled around I was stretched to the limit on patience.  Like Maxen said I should have given her a hug at times when she displayed some of her behavior, but I was so on guard for anything and my anxiety was to the max it was probably the last thing I would have done at any given time.   I guess we all did well to survive it, eh.

Yea, you're right.  It's probably true that I don't want to let her go.  It was one moment in time that was relatively minor compared to the countless horrible things she threw my way in a 3 year period yet I've somehow managed to put that aside enough to feel bad that I snapped for about 2 minutes at 3:00am on 11/24/12.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the first time I snapped at her or the last, but it was during one of her 'something nice moments', which is why it's probably sticking with me.    Thanks for explaining it so well OOE.

This hits home for me.  I so regret my affair.  It is something so against my character and everything about me.  I just know that I was physically and emotionally drained from overwork, all of the drama, no affection, and her ridicule of me for asking for crumbs of affection over the years.

I didn't want an affair.  I just wanted some human contact with my BPD wife.  She would insult me and call me names when I would make advances on her.

Then, I was targeted by a BPD woman outside the marriage.  She reminded me so much of my wife when we dated.  She showered me with attention.  She constantly contacted me and gave me compliments.  I stood strong for awhile, then I felt myself weakening.

I tried to resist.  It seems she was everywhere.  She followed me.  She told me that my wife told her that she didn't love me.

Meanwhile I would hear stories about vulgar things my wife has said to other guys.  I heard the belittling comments my wife made about me to her friends.

I kept weakening.  It was so confusing for me.  I didn't have anyone I could reach out to talk about this situation.  Whenever I would bring it up to my wife she would get angry at me.

The other woman was relentless and  eventually I gave up and had the affair.  Again, it was more emotional than anything, but it was wrong.

I still cannot accept to this day that I did it.

I have learned a great deal about myself and my situation from it.

But it is time to let it go and forgive myself.  If I had been living in a normal marriage I would not have been tempted.  I'm not trying to blame the marriage, but living without any affection was so degrading.

i'm happy you used the term "on guard." one set of reactions that embarrass me were the times i flipped over something that wasn't her responsibility - but about which she had been irresponsible so many times that i was hyper-sensitized to anything that appeared to be amiss. and when she got drunk, again, maybe the proper response was a hug and a declaration that i'd always support her. but there was tension inside me, because i half knew (well, more than half) that she'd take that as a license to keep drinking. so i didn't give her the hug. i got impatient with her perfect carelessness about her drinking. i was setting boundaries, but in a counter-productive way.

nowadays, i think i would know (thanks in no small part to this site) how to set my boundaries and be confident in them. that's what i mean when i talk about the work of recovery.

This hit home for me.  It hits home mainly because it makes me think of my ex's one-sided, ridiculous demands of me.  She allowed herself to act out, be selfish, and throw temper tantrums, and I was always expected to de-fuse it and run to her.  She would tell me, "You should know that when I act that way what I really need you to do is come and give me a hug or be sweet to me." or "This is just how I am.  You should know that you need to be extra sweet to me because it helps me get over it faster."  Yeah, and I did... .about 99% of the time.  But that 1% of the time when I was fed up with the one-way nature of our relationship and her ridiculous demand for accommodation of her selfish behavior, it was like I had failed her.  Hmm... .no, thanks.

Ditto... .Cant explain it any better... .

Exactly, and boy can I relate.  

My BPDxgf is an alcoholic and drinking for her was a daily occurrence.  Her personality changed greatly while she drank and any soothing that I could or would attempt wouldn't be remembered (according to her) because of her black outs.   I was hyper-sensitized even in her sober moments (which were infrequent) and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Sometimes it didn't drop at all, but when it did it was like a little mental validation to myself went off that said 'see you were right, stay on guard'.  It's really no way to live because all you do is become paranoid and distrusting sometimes for no reason at all.

Add me to the list! I have a lot of regrets.

He has made me out to be a monster so there are times when I get mad and play right into it. He can be grumpy and thoughtless and not seem to be phased by it. When I lose my head, I feel horrible and beat myself up for getting sucked into his drama.

Our exes probably have moments they would take back, too.

Times they didn't really mean it, just reacted.

We all have memories we cherish and that we'd change.

Many of us thought we'd found and shared freedom in the r/s.

But ended up backed into a corner, twisting painfully out of shape.

I regret she couldn't be who she really wants to be with who I really am.

That said, the way this disorder works isn't normal, kind, or fair.

Walk or crawl on eggshells toward a prize that isn't actually available?

That's not togetherness. Not what we signed up for, or our path anymore.

Yes.

I regret that i talked too much about her to friends. They got sick and tired of it. And i also regret saying things to her. I accused her of cheating(which wasn't true, but i got false information from a mutual friend) and i wished her good luck with her borderline life. That wasn't very nice of me, but then again she called me names, threatened me, attacked me etc.

Ehhhh... .___ that, i actually don't regret it one bit LOL

Oh man, the "when I act that way what I really need you to do is come and give me a hug" thing. This might be word for word what my ex said to me early in the relationship, or she may have said "when I'm being a b***... ."

Because it's on us to defuse the situation right? Not her fault at all for raging in the first place? When we broke up one of things she told me was that she needs to be with someone who can handle her better when she rages. I forget how I responded but it wasn't "how about you work on fixing your bad behavior instead of searching for a sucker who will put up with it?" like I should have said.

I have no regrets at all about not giving her a hug when she was raging like an ___hole about nothing. Because when I see an angry bear ready to kill me that's my first thought, I'll go give it a hug! 

I regret all of the relationships I let slip with friends and family.  I realize that generally when you marry someone, you will not spend as much time with friends and family as you once did.  But the sorts of friends that I lost and the reasons for me losing those friends were not healthy.  I was "leaving her" too often, despite her being invited to tag along to whatever it was I was doing.  She chose not to and I never held it against her like she did me when I didn't want to do something.  

I lost a very dear friend very early on in our relationship.  One of my best friends, happened to be a girl.  I remember when my ex and I first started seeing each other, she began making comments about this particular girl in my life.  We had been friends for years and she had a boyfriend at the time, we had always been platonic but it must have driven my ex crazy that I could be close with another girl.  I remember the comments she made - I can never remember exactly what she said but it was riddled with guilt - why would I want to spend time with a member of the opposite sex that wasn't her?  And it worked.  I let my friend down during a very difficult time in her life - I wasn't there for her like I should have been.  I ignored texts and phone calls.  I ignored facebook messages.  Even the ones asking me what in the world this friend had done to me that made me cut her out.  I turned into my BPD ex in that moment and I hate myself for it.  Luckily, because my friend is a real and caring person, we have since reconciled and have begun communicating again.  6 long years have gone by but I'm lucky to have her back in my life again.  

I regret the behavior I probably displayed to my friends that I still currently have.  I became so consumed with making things work in my relationship that I forgot who I was as a person.  I found it a constant struggle to do anything sometimes with my own friends for fear of the repercussions with my ex.  I honestly wonder how far things would have gone had the relationship continued?  Would there have been anyone left in my life other than my ex?  

I regret be a terrible friend for 6 years.  I hope I can forgive myself for that one day.  

Spot on. This is an area where I've struggled. I have been expected to respond with love, kindness, compassion, spaciousness and when being tested again and again and again and again and again (ad naseum again and again) ... .I'd lose it eventually.

And those times i'd lose it, I'd feel guilty for, and they are used to point out my own disconnects.

For example, I was accused of screaming and leaving ... .

My response to her was, "With your response, I get very defensive as if I just would up and leave, or out of the blue start screaming at you ... .and that never happened. Its my perspective that everytime I left or fought back, it was provoked and happened after intense periods of relentless stress and fighting."

If it weren't for the fighting, screaming and insanity of her behavior, I would be there ; I would be a step-father, I'd be helping pay for the house, feed the kids, be involved ... .

However, she has never owned her part in it, and has made me responsible for soothing her ; she didn't self-nurture.

Sometimes I wish I would have fought back. I never did. I either defused with humor, watered down what I said and apologized profusely, or said nothing and apologized profusely. I wasnt a man anymore. I was just being. Clinging to what I thought was love. But I was nothing to her except a useful tool for her to get back on her feet again. Im so fu*king glad to be out of it and it gets better everyday!

I really love this post!

There's several different emotional road blocks we have to over come dealing with a break up. They become more difficult and complicated and often last a great deal longer when breaking up with a pwBPD.

I had many revelations in the past few months and never did I fully take responsibility for my actions and reactions to her disorder.

Last night I really gave it a lot of thought and went over all the things I did that were out of character over the last 4 years.

I listed them all along with my reasoning at the time, my understanding now and a sincere apology. (emailed it to her last night)  

It helped me with closure and I hope it also helps my ex.

 

Reading this hit me pretty hard.

My BPDex expected (and usually got) the best out of me. She pushed me like no one else has, in my business, with my kids, working around the house, treating her well, etc. Of course it wasn't a healthy relationship mostly and I was never properly rewarded by her for all the effort, generally, the bar was just raised higher and higher as time went on. The final culmination of this was an excruciating series of events that left her in my very nice home, with everything I own, and my two teenage boys and I 1400 miles away living with a friend, I lost everything I have worked for my whole life. And I have to tell you, I am not doing well, I have completely introverted, I have started drinking again (3 years sober in AA) I am barely interacting with my boys who are very dismayed to see their dad go from huge business owner to a broken couch potato. My 15 year old actually finally spoke up and told me I am being a terrible dad lately. I have always been an amazing father.

My heart is always heavy, I seem incapable to having any kind of relationship with anyone, friend or otherwise. So many people have told me I am just blank now, I don't talk, I hardly eat. I just sit here in this little room with my heart shattered in my chest. It's been 9 months since I have seen my wife, I have gone over it in my head so many times, did I do the right thing, what did  I escape? If this is supposedly better, escaping an abusive BPD partner, why am I such a complete mess? I cannot seem to bring myself to care about much of anything other then why I failed. I even have a nice new little girl friend I am trying to get to know, but she sees I am pretty hollow and I am not sure how much longer she will stick around. I pretty much just want to lay in bed and cling to her. which apparently there is much more to life... .

I just cant shake this sadness. It doesn't matter what my mind tells me, my heart is just... .shot. My ex is a very beautiful woman, charming, and I have been completely addicted to her for 5 years. She used to be addicted to me. I never let her down. I opened up to her a few months ago and told her a lot of this. Which was hard. At first she wanted to save me, and get me back home, and the boys, but in a couple days, she just found my present condition contemptible and stuck with her replacement instead.

I have done, and am doing, things that just keep hurting the people around me because of my dark depression and lack of life. I cannot afford a therapist. This board helps, but it often opens my wounds again reading other people saying such similar things to what I went through. I keep trying, but without my home, my career, my life... .I don't know what to TRY to do... .sigh

I remember I tried to do this once.  During one of our ridiculously stupid arguments that neither one of us could ever remember what it was about after, she used her typical "You always try to belittle the way that I feel - you never take into consideration MY feelings" lines on me.  While I eventually learned that her feelings always equated to facts, in this particular instance, I tried the same line on her.  Instead of doing my usual attempt at trying to logically understand why she was feeling the way she was toward an issue, I flat out said well this is how I feel.  And followed up with ":)o my feelings not matter as much?"  Silence.  I spent days digging out of that one.  Another notch further down the pedestal after that fight. 

777Alex777 I'm sorry, I feel and share your pain. What gets me through the day is my daughter. It rips my soul out knowing she notices my depression and I make every effort to hide it from her. The best thing I've done since the breakup (2months ago) is to give myself actual closure and put an end to reminiscing about the past, the what if's and all the wrongs we've done each other and those around us. In my mind the relationship is over and given it's drama and aggravation it's best for all of us (my ex, my daughter and myself) it is over.

I hold on to hope that one day maybe we can work things out one day but I do so with the following things in mind.

If we did get back together would it be the same troubles? Have I learned enough, have I addressed my personal issues that she had with me that triggered her behavior, do I have the ability to not react in a way that will escalate the situation when she gets in one of her moods?

Is my depression keeping her away? I was a source of her happiness and was always able to pull her out of her moods and settle her rage but in the emotional state I'm in now I can barley communicate with her without triggering her because the pain in my voice leaves her with more guilt and anxiety than she can cope with.

Has she changed and is she willing to get help with or without me for her problem or will I be walking on egg shells the rest of my life and will it effect our daughter in a negative way?

I'm not even sure of these answers at this time but I am sure that right now I need to heal and can not be apart of her life until I do. That is what you should focus on, nothing else.

I'm here if you ever need me as are all the others here on bpdfamily.

I wish you all the best

I don't think I was ever spiteful I actually really worked not to be, by like talking to other girls, or doing things to be mean... .But I was drained and my patience would run thin... .I am upset having found this site AFTER the fact, when maybe I could have learned ways to distance myself during bad times and do a better job.

I've learned a lot of my reactions while either well intentioned or due to stress only served to strengthen those bad phases.

So I have some regrets about that, but again most of us don't have any real idea until the end when we are floored by the fact that we've been sent away for any number of reasons.

That is a very healthy observation. I know it's difficult but it sounds like you've come a long way with the healing process. Little by little I'm getting there... .

I'm talking to lots of people again getting invited. I still miss that future life goal, I miss out where she lived when I hated it when we met. I bought an exotic car on impulse... .I'm far from good lol but thats my own honest assessment.

I just know for me I worked really hard to NOT ignore her texts or calls out of spite, or always be making an effort because when you care, there isn't a point to do it any other way. Although that might have been a better alternative than to what I tried given her BPD, but I'm not proud of some things I did that probably could have made that honeymoon phase last longer. I've caused fights said curse words but thankfully I was never personal I never attacked her on that level with verbal insults. Just superficial surface level frustration.

I'm thankful for that, and hopefully whatever introspection she's capable of I hope somewhere at sometime my effort or even some of it will be remembered... .I just hope its not from a position of abuse or something like drugs.

Karma is a b* and I've gotten sympathy before seeing non-BPD exes suffer post breakup I won't sugar coat that... .But for her, with BPD, and her past... .Seeing her drinking or doing negative things, or taking abuse, either to prove she's happy, or because things fell apart would bring me no joy. Not now, not ever.

I would find joy if she actually found someone who like me was there for the right reasons but was just better able to take that abuse... .Or dealt with it different. IDK.

 |iiii I wish I had the money for an exotic car because I'd buy on in an instant!

after seeing the replacement and speeding away in tears from her house in my truck I blew it up. The motor was smoked and too costly to replace. Fortunately almost as a gift from God a friend was selling an Audi A4 very cheap because it needed a ton of minor fixes. Repairing it was quite therapeutic and kept my mind occupied. It's now all fixed up and running like a top! Now it's time to start fixing myself up. 

I Just wished like she asked me the first year of 5 years together, to both look into Bpd but being exhausted from the drama made it hard for both to do .

I just wish I found this site earlier on , and learned what I learned now and still learning things like Set ,Jade validate don't rage when she rages and all the good stuff .

And most of it all accept her illness and understand her better .

She saw the car at a random traffic encounter lol where she acted like I never existed lol I could tell she liked it till she saw me lmao I'm VERY GLAD i was in that haha.


I accept it. I accept if she came back in a month and I hadn't moved on what I'd be getting into. What I can't accept is the complete lack of noticing my caring to not change, or fix, but to be there to help. That I do not understand lol

guy4caligirl We all have them but regrets will get you no where. Keep learning and working on yourself. I often remind myself there are no guarantees in life and despite our fond memories and having a daughter holding on to hope my ex will return is a long shot.  

I think I have a better change of winning the lottery but if the opportunity comes up I will have changed for the better and be more prepared to deal with it.

Same the indifference I saw each week after everything got unofficial and especially that last encounter proved I don't think she'll ever come back or want to acknowledge me again. Her source of attention is too deep and 3weeks "perfect" guy. She won't be back ever again :/

I hate to stay this because it could provoke an unhealthy thought pattern but... dont count on anything

Recycling happens

Total no contact for a lifetime happens

And even what I like to call carrot dangling happens, where they tease you but there's still no chance they will ever come back.

The only way you can definitively know is if YOU decide its over forever.

BROKENFAMILY

I appreciate what you said , I wish happiness upon you and your daughter I have a son now 16 actually flies a single engine plane what an achievement every time I am down I just think of him  . Always remember that your daughter is your whole life you will experience with her growth from the day she was born and forever.

I was doing fine and a whole lot better but today I could not help it , believe me am on the right way NC is it and if she ever call I am ready for her but I am now not sure if I really want her back my mind says no .

Thank you for your support

I'm in the same boat I want her back so much one day and the next I feel liberated by not being put down and called names anymore.

Mutt told me early on about boundaries, if she decided to come back it would require therapy, if she refuses to go or stopped without improving that would be my boundary.

I don't want her to feel shamed or give her an ultimatum but I need to protect myself and my daughter first and foremost.

I'm not proud of my reactions to her rage at times but I never really lost it with her until she dropped my daughter face down in a car seat at 2am while drunkenly leaping at her cousin. I grabbed the baby and ran up the steps with her to return her to her bed and when my ex tried to stop me I hip checked her almost down a flight of steps.

That was possibly the worst of our fights in 4 years, I can not even allow the possibility of that ever happening again.

And I'm not there yet. I don't think mine is good enough to do carrot dangling. I think much like she did after our first two days of no contact, where she was engaging caring saying babe etc. after one more day she was unable to maintain that affection for any number of reasons too which I know not. But I don't think mine could keep it up long enough to keep me interested, especially if she waited 4+ months to try it. She might peak my curiosity but if she would make plans and not follow through... .Just like in the relationship. Called out lol.

Years before I knew my exwife had BPD I figured out something was wrong with her and I had to put up with some extraordinary difficult behavior in my relationship.

I struggled with whether to treat her like an "ill" person, silk gloves on, depriving her of all responsibilities (and all dignity for that matter). Or if I should treat her like a grown up, like a peer.

I decided for the latter route. When she pissed me off I raised my voice and told her I'd had enough. I didn't comfort her when I had been too hurt myself even though she was sad and cried.

I decided that I didn't want to (or couldn't for that matter) parent my own wife.

It is those things she never forgave me for. In my weaker moments I did regret these things too. And if you read on the "staying" board I did all the wrong things.

But in hindsight all my reactions were justified.

It is a life pattern I have to regret my own perfectly normal reactions to things, such as other people crashing my boundaries etc.

This probably is the biggest problem. You don't know they have a disorder when you get involved. But you do eventually realize something is wrong.

Looking back at the 3 years we where together, I realize that my reaction was as a result of her abusive ways. I have never been treated so badly in any previous relationship.

As a matter of fact I have never given so much in any previous relationship. And got NOTHING in return. So I don't really regret my behaviour. It was a natural reaction to a dysfunctional disorder.

What I do regret, is not getting out after 18 months when I got to know the problem. I thought I could learn about the disorder and overcome it. I never mentioned to her that I know she has a problem, I just tried to accommodate it.

So I regret not taking the advice from others, 18 months ago. I should have run. It took me another 18 months before I ran.

Yes, yes, yes... .I knew something was wrong. Couldnt figure out why so I blamed it on her separation/divorce etc. Didnt know anything about BPD until after. She did me the biggest favor my letting me go. Wow! I was prepared and did, give it all and was slowly broken down and shattered by this woman. Im in a better place now and enjoying my time. So, like that Who song, "we wont get fooled again", Ive learned all about this disorder and Ive learned to gut check myself on things now. Not 100% but, damn, it is getting so much better without the flippin chaos and abuse. Second guess myself sometimes but that quickly fades away and eventually that will disappear too! Hang in there folks and will get better!

the carrot dangling is what mine does. it can be really annoying.

Is she nice for extended amounts of time though? I feel like if she was nice than nasty within a day or two it really couldn't work, or maybe I'm just not letting it slide lol

I always feel like the carrot dangling is an ever present threat. Maybe after 4 1/2 years and more break ups than I can count, I'm used to the carrot dangling technique. The last time before this last split, she promised to go to therapy(she didn't). The thing that is the scariest is this... .The last time we broke up, I started working out again (which i missed soo much), quit using tobacco, etc etc. She ran right back. That's the scary part of it all, esp when you have a child together. Its like they are ATTRACTED to the fact that you don't need them to be happy, get in shape, etc. I know mine dropped everything and just straight up said "Its not fair you are this way NOW. This is who I always wanted." So it can be complicated. You can work on yourself (you should), but sometimes its an instant trigger to them. I guess the REAL struggle is this: What are you going to do when that comes around? How will you react when the promises and sweet talk makes itself present again. Ive pretty much succumb to the fact that it will always be there no matter who she is with. Its a sad thing to have to deal with, but for some of us, its a reality that probably wont go away.

These kinds of posts are always intriguing to me because I feel like the members who have had this happen never really go more than a few weeks of no contact... .It just doesn't seem like the exBPD partner ever removes you completely. Where like for a few of us, poof gone, we mean 0.

WOW. Well said.

Don't buy that line.  You could be a dream person for them and yet none of us are perfect.  You would let them down somehow.  Their needs are too great.

Another angle, I believe that healthy confident people don't want BPD's in their lives.  So, when you become healthy and confident, you don't want them.

It's a double-edged sword for BPD's.

They want what they don't have, and after they get it, they find something wrong with it.

I do regret letting her ruin me as a man, however temporary, and making me think this was all my doing... .thats the biggest regret, other than allowing it to continue... .

I'm glad I found this site so quick I'd probably still be beating my own a$$ badly.

Have a good thanksgiving bud!

Dangithurts: I've noticed this as well. It's very strange. I continually had to battle her over talking to ex's that she dated for little to no time at all. I think it comes down to wherever trauma they experienced as a child. I could be wrong. My exBPD was put up for adoption and had several losses in her life. I think the ones who experience loss of love/no development at all have a real hard time letting go of someone that was in their lives. She sat there last night and told last night how she met the man of dreams, they made out blah blah (we've only been separated this time for 2 weeks so far and have a child together), point is... .I've heard all this crap before. I think that some cling to ones that will be consider "life parters". They abuse them, tell them they are worthless etc. But deep down beneath the false self and pain/chaos, there's a voice that tells them who in there lives are worth keeping around. That's just a guess anyway. I guess it just depends on what you want in life. I'm certainly tired of it. I'm also tired of clock like distorted behavior. It's exhausting for someone to tell you that you are worthless then turn around days/weeks/months later that you are the love of their life.

Workin progress: I totally agree.

Yep! Exactly. Reminds me of two specific examples. One from when I was a kid. I would bring home a paper with a 99 on it. Instead of getting positive feedback, I would get, "Why wasn't it a 100?" More recently, finances were tight and my pay was cut at one job so I spent some time looking for a job that had to fit a certain schedule along with certain other criteria, which seemed almost impossible. I found the exact job that would accommodate my husband's work schedule and has great pay. Upon hearing about it, the first thing out of my husband's mouth was, "What about my meetings on Tuesday nights?" It wasn't enough. He was going to find the downside and basically tell me that it wasn't enough.


That is so true. The healthier I get, the less I need those people in my life. I have gotten to a point where I can take or leave my family of origin and I really, really want to get away from my husband. It is impossible to be healthy and stay healthy as long as you have them pulling you down. It is a cycle that if you don't get out of, it just continues.


I have seen this with my husband so many times. He will obsess over something until he gets it and then he will get upset over it or find something wrong with it. He wanted us both to see other people so badly so I gave in. I don't know what he thought would happen but he didn't like it because he couldn't find anybody but I could. Part of me felt sorry for him because it made him even lonelier and more abandoned. Another part of my quietly laughed because what he wanted backfired and blew up in his face. I regret doing all of that but is sure did show me how dysfunctional things are between me and my husband.

I posted a few regrets above and wanted to add my biggest regret.

Immediately after the breakup, I reminded her friends and a few family members of her temper, irrational thinking and several instances of her making up total lies about us all, saying cruel things to us all and pointing out the fact that she is ruining her life my life and our daughters life because she has BPD not because she wasn't happy!

Needless to say this fell on deaf ears and caused my ex to think I was trashing her which made everything worse.

I try not to beat myself up over it but I knew then what I know now, I would have reacted much differently

Sorry to hijack but know that feeling well I got good at throwing things completely out of character!

Once I had reached my limit, I was cold and clinical. The last time I saw her, she wept as I left with my stuff, she was a mess, like a child, and was whispering "why, why, why". It took all of my strength to turn and walk away... .shortly after this day I cut her out completely. Her father had just passed away and she was pleading for me to return. I have never been as tough as this ever with anyone and I hope I never have to. For me it was about survival as I was so bent out of shape Thst I was close to a breakdown. That said, I never said a bad word to her in all of the madness, I kept calm and I think this hurt her more. I regret having to cut another human out so drastically. I know she was devastated. It was sink or swim for me. I'll do my best to avoid ever getting into a situation that will force me to act this way again.

It's a sad memory for me. Bless us all 

Me too. So much that my parents are not talking to me anymore. I haven't done anything extraordinary, but people are just used to seeing in me the calm and kind person. I'm a lot more agressive now.

Absolutely!

I have lost my sister, my best friend and a whole load of self respect from dealing with the fallout of the violence and unsettlement. There is only so many times you can 'run' out of the door with your pre-prepared emergency bag before people start to think you are a fake and it's all your own doing... I lost 2 stone, under the doctor for a myriad of horrible physical symptoms, anxiety, panic... I was a total train wreck.

Fortunately my dear old mum has never doubted me and for that I am eternally grateful, without her, I think I would have done something very stupid and very permanent... it is only because my brother died so young, that I owe it to him, and my mum, to stay alive, why make her suffer the loss of another child?

I honestly do not know how I have survived, my job is my world right now and as depressed and isolated as I am, I am safe from the beatings and the rages.

I feel nothing, which is worrying... I am usually angry or upset or something... So I can related to being void of any real emotion, and I cannot imagine ever having a relationship again... I guess I have nothing more to give right now...

Great topic.  I struggled with my own behavior long and hard, very long and hard.  I beat myself up pretty bad for words and behaviors I cannot believe were me while I was in with the ex.  For a long time I desperately wanted to rewind, run back and do it all over again.

Today... .In my case only, of course, I fully believe that my instincts were screaming at me to wake the hell up and run!  My uBPDexH symptoms leaned HEAVILY in the psychopath range and there is not an ounce of doubt in that fact today.  I am at peace today knowing that if not for my own anger, disgust, frustration with his rages, unrelenting chaos, and massively mounting lies to bring about the fallout that painted me black…I would be dead.  1 year ago this coming Tuesday, he smashed me in the head with a household item that caved in the corner of my forehead and required 12 stitches and a concussion.  I blamed myself for a long time because I did something that made his rage that night worse.  I apologized for what I did.  When I asked him if he was sorry for cracking me in the head, he turned his face toward me and said, "You have a very bad memory, I threw it into the wall and it hit you.  "I" didn't hit you".  THAT became my truth.  I must have simply gotten it wrong.  I journaled about it a few weeks later and never told a soul until recently.  I remembered him stomping toward me and smashing the item into me.  I remembered it clearly. 

The only behavior I regret is the choices I made to clearly miss the warning signs that a bottom-feeder Baiter was headed in my direction to steal my soul.  I grow more and more disturbed by postings that miss these persons who have systematically inflicted such a wide variety of cruelty in the form of lies, manipulation and self-serving behaviors that directly contradict their overly intense verbal diarrhea love declarations.

I posted this on L2. I have many regrets. The biggest lesson my ex taught me is I needed to listen. For years she said I was controlling.

I went to a P a few months after the break-up and I was struggling. The first session I gave the P the back story on my marriage breaking down. In 10 minutes my P said "Mutt your controlling" My ex had told me that often.

Being a codependent person I kept blaming her. BPD is an incredibly difficult disorder when your dealing with it 24 / 7 and you don't know what to your dealing with.

I kept trying to make my voice heard. My biggest regret is not listening.


There are many lessons to be learned if you take the time and work through them. She taught me more lessons in 2 years than I can think of. The gift of the borderline.

Mutt, reflecting on my life, I wish that I had been more controlling.  You see, no matter what approach you use with them, it will be the wrong approach.

The more I am researching about me, the more I realize that I just need to be myself, and if I set clear boundaries, these people will gravitate OUT of my life, or I will not allow them into my life to start with.  Sorry for the run on sentence.

BPD's have the maturity level of children.  For them to successfully make it through life they need a parental figure that they can respect to keep them from destroying their life.  The thing is, they will never accept a figure like that in their life, so you are doomed to failure with them.

Our job is to be ourselves.

|iiii

We only have control of ourselves. Spot on.