BPDFamily.com

Hello all.  As my graduation from BPD school and recovery from the "relationship" continues I can look back on it and see clearly just how insane my life and my BPDexgf were in the time we were together.

I've been having lots of lightbulb :light: :light: moments and had another significant one last night.  I'm 5 weeks NC now, and during that time I began to see the relationship for what it was but still felt a lot of pain.  Last night I was having a conversation with someone about the experience, and I couldn't stop laughing when I was telling them about what happened.  At the time it was BEYOND painful, but looking back I am able to just laugh at it, and it doesn't hurt.  I'm not trying to laugh at my BPDexgf, I truly pity her for the pain she must feel on a daily basis.  But I feel so removed from the experience, and see how truly bizarre her behavior (and my responses to it) were. 

Also, the "knot" in my stomach is more or less gone.  You know what I'm talking about.  Many people post about that symptom on here.  It used to come up every time she crossed my mind.  Now it hardly comes up and I think about her less and less.  Am on a happy path out of the FOG.

My point is that for those of you who are suffering it DOES get better.  At the time and in the moment it causes excruciating emotional pain.  But if you take care of yourself and do what is right things can get much, much better.  Without this message board I don't know where I would be and I hope it can also help many other on their roads to recovery.   |iiii 

It does. Friday was the first day that I havent counted how many days Ive been NC or how long we have been broken up. That is a good sign. And I have reflected on how crappy the relationship truly was and on my co-dependancy of not wanting to me alone. I relize that now. While I guess I may have loved her, I think, I tolerated it because I didnt want to be alone. I didnt think anyone would want me again after my divorce, and then she came long a year and a half after my divorce. I thought I was ready for a relationship. I was, but with a healthy person, of which she isnt. Should of, could of, would of all day long, but I think we had some trauma bonding going, her just recently separated, stay at home mom with 5 kids and poof, there I am. Should have known it wouldnt last, most rebounds dont. I was hooked and I knew better and she was getting her fix of attension as was I. I see it plain as day... .now. Im happier now that I dont have that chaos hanging over my head, pleased to be alive and fixing the wreckage this selfish woman caused. Im my own priority now. She's now become like how she left me... .a distant memory. Im indifferent as to her existence, and Im happy.

It is great to read these posts. Exactly how I did it. You reclaim your life from a very toxic person. I don't count the days, I don't even know what day I walked out, but it must be about 3 months now. And like others said, looking back at the 3 years together, I have to ask myself, What where you thinking?

Lovely to read these posts!

They made me reflect on my own progress. Including noticing I have not felt the need to write in my journal for several weeks now (I swear I wrote a volume of encyclopaedias initially to get the hurt out of my system).

The gut knot has almost disappeared too!

She no longer consumes my every waking thought, and I can focus on and take pleasure in simple day-to-day activities again, like house cleaning.

I especially notice how much slower, more peaceful and relaxed my life is now. Whilst the pace of life with a BPDgf was hectic (much social activity, always going somewhere, doing something) and fun at times, it was also relentless, non-stop, edgy and just plain tiring. For a while, I felt something was wrong (slow, boring?) when I caught up with non-BPD friends, but now realise how normal that is and how more real too.

Time really is a great healer.

The comments, stories and words of encouragement and support from others on this board, whilst only words on a page, have made so much difference in feeling less alone and confused and perplexed and upset.

Reflecting, doing the lessons and continuing to work on me for a change as also helped too!

Glad to hear everyone is feeling better. While I have improved a lot since I arrived here months and months ago I still struggle having some days better than others.