BPDFamily.com

I can't handle the push pull and stuff

I have decided and firmed out that I do not want a relationship with her again. I can't cope with her and I don't want this life for myself anymore.

I don't wish to cut her out completely but I want her to stop giving me "hope" and stop the flirting and seduction that she does intermittent with me.

Any advice on how I can do this? I'm thinking of saying I'm not right for her and I'm better as a friend?

Well, you serious got to ask yourself why you want to be friends with a dysfunctional person. Her ways are never going to change, and she will constantly need that "control" over you. Or maybe you want to keep the door open to a future relationship.

Be honest with yourself. A friend is someone who you get along with, can confide in, can trust and does not abuse you.

It is totally your choice, but I chose to break away completely. I really don't need these type of people in my life. They too demanding and you just cannot have an adult conversation, yet alone a relationship, with them.

Thank you for your responses to my threads, This is an area that i am all too familiar with. Not knowing the back story or how long you've been together makes it difficult to assess but in my case a month before we split in Sept, I broke it off with her saying that I couldn't handle the push-pull crazy-making and wanted out. (I used those terms without even knowing about BPD) She immediately dug her teeth in and held on for dear life without changing her ways - Not what you want. Of course a month later she had called up another guy from the minors and I was out 'on her terms' because I wasn't compliant. Tell her you want a healthy relationship and give examples of the push/pull. Say you're not the right person for her. Does she know she has BPD? Is she getting help?

You cannot stop her if you are friends with her. You can either ignore her actions, take the bait or walk away. She will do what she wants as she always has.

caretaker is completely right. Its not a friendship your just another form of supply.

Mate let me tell you the more im thinking the more im realizing being "friends" just doesnt benefit either party well. They occasionally talk to you. When they do yeah you may get the occasional joke and genuinely laugh(reminiscent of the "good times" and such) but then its all back to emotional tampon or needs eventually. And as long as we feed into this were not detaching were keeping the attachment open which also retracts from healing the trauma bond. An unhealthy attachment that will hinder our self growth and possibilities of forming new intimate bonds.

As CareTaker said maybe youre trying to keep the door open whether consciously or unconsciously only you can determine this. My belief is that if this is the case you dont have to be in contact very seldom or at all for this to be a possibility. BPDs have problems letting attachments go just as they do properly forming them. This also ties in with youre not wanting her to be intimate anymore. She will always see you that way due to you two being sexually intimate. Once that boundary is crossed the line is forever blurred in an untreated borderlines mind. It also works to make you a trigger for her which is not good for either of you as well.

Imo cut contact(minimal if you must). Entertain the thought. Dont act. Observe. And live your life.

Who knows maybe shell be in a better place later down the line and things will work out but staying "friends" isnt helping her or you get to that point.

Just tell her that you've met someone else who is really fun and good looking. Tell her that you can't be anything other than friends now because you are giving the new person a proper chance. It works, I can vouch for that!

"Emotional Tampon" ... .that says soo much with just two words.  |iiii

Inferno,


You know what to do! You have been dealing with this a long time. Complete n/c! she is not your friend. Love yourself and free your mind and body from this girl! She has a boyfriend, she's his now.

What more are you willing to lose of yourself for somebody who is not yours, hurts you emotionally and mentally,

You are allowing all of this by continuing contact. Inferno you have already had a nervous breakdown from the games you allow her to play on you and in your head. Free yourself!

You can not be friends with an ex BPD lover who you are still in love with and still has power to manipulate you!

Rifka

For me, I stay NC, because I know she's sick and will just use and hurt me. Do I care about her? Yes, 3 years post breakup I still care. And the best days of my life were with her. That doesn't mean it's going to be good for me though. Maybe in 10 or 20 years if she has gotten a lot of therapy I could talk to her. But anytime soon? No. Also, even if you just think about her benefit, you're going to trigger her, no matter what you do, and "rescuing" her constantly is what keeps her stuck.

+ 1000

It's twisted,but true. I still feel that I love mine and had the best days of my life with her... .but I just have to protect me and love me now. Years later... .If I see her approaching I just change my day and move away. Absolute no contact is survival for me. If you had a plastic bag on your head, would you leave it on and suffocate or take it off and breath?

It's that simple in that moment for me. Love YOU!

Drop her like a bad habit. She is just keeping a door open. Strike hard and fast.