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This much was too much... .for me. A (love) note I wrote to my ex 1 month prior to final break and 13 months into a live-in relationship. I love this woman with all of my heart and knew nothing of BPD/NPD at that time.


"I wish you were my friend. I did nothing against you but just have a few beers and wanted to get some dinner with you.

You're always angry with me and all I want is to have peace with you. I wish to God I could make you happy for more than one or two days but it just never happens that way.

If there was anything I could do I would. But nothing I've ever done has worked for you.

If everything you say about me is true I don't have a fighting chance in this life even to care for myself. You hurt me and I do nothing but hurt you too and waste your money and contribute nothing to our life or your business.  I don't know what there is left to do. I wanted to love you and to be loved by you but your opinion of me is so negative and I can't change how you feel about me because I've tried over again to change your mind and it just never sticks.

I don't want to fight say names or hurt you in any way. But if you want for me to be left with nothing and not even a place to stay then give it your best shot (MAYBE I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THIS BUT I THOUGH I WAS TAKING TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING). If only you could focus that anger you have for me into the business or your art we both would be a lot happier.

My mouth and my actions ruined everything. That's all I know anymore.

I only pray for peace."

I now have some peace. Only because I left. From what I can tell it doesn't matter so much what you say, how it's received (if it ever really is received) seems to be determined by your current color or who's saying it that matters most (if the message is coming from one she idolizes) maybe. I'm just a guy trying to better understand what I've been through because it became physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually painful. My ex was only on board with me when she saw me white. My life for over a year was constantly bouncing back and forth between both black and white.

white white white black white white white white black white black black... .If I received a kiss in the morning before work I was white. If I didn't get that kiss it could go either way. I hope you find the answers you are searching for. Blessings.