BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the lengthy post in advance.

So, some of you know that my 20 year old daughter who is not diagnosed but almost certainly has BPD has left home again and moved in with her boyfriend and his family and is having little to no contact with her family.  She has done this three times now, moved in with a boyfriend and adopted his family as her own.  Last week I messaged her and just said that I was thinking about her and hoped that she was well.  Unknowingly, my sister had messaged her at the same time and got a response, but I had not received one and I became jealous although happy to know that she was still alive.  I held strong for a few days, but broke down and messaged her again asking for a response, which I got.  She is fine.  Living with a sex offender (her boyfriend) and doing just fine.  She didn't say that part, that's just my anger and frustration poking out.  She's not working, although she says she is a nanny for one of her friends.  I'm sure that just means she occasionally babysits.

So a few days ago, we found out that my sister in law has ovarian cancer.  Originally diagnosed at stage three, but after surgery Tuesday, it has been upgraded to stage 4, it is all through her lungs and other organs.  I have not divulged this information to my daughter.  My husband, however, is having an extremely hard time with this.  We have been doing really well, getting closer with all the chaos, but that ended the night before last.  He has been taking out his frustration on our 16 year old son, who admittedly is a typical teen age boy who doesn't hear much of what you tell him.  The other night there was a blow up between them and I was trying to facilitate the conversation, because my husband was yelling and my son was looking rather defeated.  I suggested that it seemed to me that there was a miscommunication between the two of them and that it didn't seem like our son was being deceitful, but maybe he just misunderstood.  My husband decided that I was undermining his authority and told me that as soon as he found a suitable living arrangement that he was leaving.  We talked it out, sorta, and I told him that if anyone left, it should be me because an adolescent boy needs his father more than his mother... .I think it was more his grief over his sister and his frustration with everything, but it was a huge blow.

Last night, I got a call from an ex-friend of my daughter, saying that she was in a store and ran into my daughter and her boyfriend.  She said that they both seemed high as a kite, which made my blood run cold.  I had been told by this same person that the boyfriend used to do heroin, so it was in the back of my mind, but I was hopeful that my daughter was smart enough not to go down that road.  I asked the ex-friend what did she mean "high"  and she described slurring words, scratching, etc.  So, not like pot high I asked?  She said no.  I then get a message from my daughter that I should not keep in contact with this ex-friend because she is a no good b****.  When I didn't respond right away, my daughter called me.  I hadn't heard her voice in about a month.  She was crying.  I asked her about her slurred words and she told me it was because she was upset that she had this altercation with the ex-friend and the ex-friend was yelling at her in the middle of the store.  (The ex-friend says she didn't yell but she did tell her that my daughter needed to contact me, which is what prompted the message-knowledge that we were in contact).  My daughter seemed contrite.  Not argumentative, which is what I was expecting.  Unfortunately, I think I handled it badly.  I told her that her family missed her and loved her and pointed out that she had thrown us away to join a new family.  She protested a little, but I reminded her that this is the third time that she has done this.  She tried to blame her dad and I told her that she was twisting his words.  I told her I loved her and only wanted the best for her.  She told me she would call tomorrow (today) and asked what we were doing.  I reminded her that it was Thanksgiving and told her that we would be having dinner with our family, because that is what you do on Thanksgiving.  I know I should not have said some of these things, that they could be inflammatory, fortunately they did not incite a fight. To top things off, she is now apparently engaged to this sex offender, according to Facebook. 

I have been emotionally wrung out lately.  I'm trying to be there for my husband, but his anger and frustration make it difficult.  I need to be there for my son, but I have to be careful not to upset my husband.  My daughter is weighing heavy on my mind.  I need to be there for my mother in law, but she is a difficult woman who my husband is not talking to right now, although I'm sure that will change soon given the circumstances--he will step up to the plate when she needs him.  I invited her for Thanksgiving only after asking my husband if he would be ok with it (my first priority is his feelings), but she has other plans, so I dodged that bullet at least.  There is something to be thankful for!  Seriously, I have a lot to be thankful for, the interaction with my daughter was not a blow up and that is good.  It was actually really good to hear her voice after all this time, even if she was slurring her words.  I just need to figure out how to cope with it all.  I have prayed more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life I think.  I have cried buckets.  I have read everything I can get my hands on.  I have tried to stay busy, to take my mind off of everything, but it's hard.  I'm working full time and finishing my master's degree full time, but it's an effort to do my school work when my mind is so jumbled. 

I guess I just needed to vent and ask for any advice that you all have.  Thanks for reading my missive, I apologize for the length.  One of my favorite sayings is "Not my circus, not my monkeys" but this time I guess it is mine... .

Stacy

If I'm out of line for asking this, I apologize.  My gut response is:  Are you afraid of your husband?  He seems to rule the roost by his temper. I hate the idea of you moving out and leaving your son to deal with him alone.   There appears to be an imbalance and that you are bringing too much stress into your life appeasing your husband?  Might be good to let him leave in a huff if that's where his head is at.  Boys need their dads but not angry dismissive dads who take other things out on their children.  He'd be better off knowing his reasonable mom stuck by him and didn't set him up for feeling abandoned. 

Chooselove, I'm not afraid of my husband, in my lack of sleep, foggy mind maybe I portrayed it like that. My husband is a reasonable man most times and is only under an inordinate amount of stress with our daughter and just finding out his sister has most likely a terminal illness. Thank you for your concern though.

mkmomto2

Take a moment to re-read your post. Did you realize that you seem to feel responsible for repairing everyone else's relationships and/or soothing their emotions?  No wonder you are frustrated and exhausted.

It certainly sounds as if your family has many things going on, and perhaps you may want to prioritize your involvement according to importance.  Work on what requires immediate attention first, put less significant issues aside, and allow others be responsible for solving their own problems.

Concentrate on what is happening under your own roof first. Your husband is distraught about his sister's illness, but is taking it out on family members. Remind him that you and your children understand his pain

and fear, because you are struggling too, but his misdirected hostility and anger are helping no one. Be sure to include your son as well.

Discuss any marital issues at a later date, when emotions have calmed down. Many things said in anger cannot be unsaid.

Your daughter is an adult.  Let her act like one.  There may be reasons why she prefers to spend time with her bf's family that have nothing to do with you.

Just some suggestions to consider.

MammaMia,

Thanks for your post.  You made a lot of good points.  I think that I should have written that when I wasn't feeling so overwhelmed with everything.  My husband and I have been talking and he was just insanely frustrated.  We have talked with our son too and are on a more even keel.  We have discussed the need to be there for each other and to be cognizant of everyone's feelings.  My husband apologized to our son for yelling at him as he did.  As far as my daughter wanting to be with his family for reasons not relating to me, that's a possibility, but she started dating him when she moved out because she had nowhere else to go.  I think she tried some other people first and found them to be nonresponsive this time, so she settled for him.  She apparently had dated him prior to this for a couple weeks but had broken up with him and said some terrible things about him to everyone that she knew.  The fact that he took her back after she said those things is surprising. I don't think that she particularly wants to be with this guy or this family, I think it is just the only place she had left to go if she didn't want to be here. 

I'm glad to hear that things are more even keeled and I hope they stay that way.  I have had a reactive "frustrated" (the word he used) male figure in my life, too, and while he always returned to that even keeled apologetic place after he hurt others (usually family) with his yelling or put downs, I have come to see that appeasing him or playing it down after the fact made me complicit in his destructive and hurtful behavior.  It also changed me. I lost respect for myself for giving up my freedom to be strong and stand up for myself or others who he intimidated. But if a situation like that were to occur now, and the father and husband of my family acted out poorly, I would suggest that maybe he should leave unless and until he is willing to be an adult and accomplish better ways to handle adversity in his life.  Even one incident of lashing out at a child can have a decades-long effect on that young person's view of him/herself and alter the relationships of their future for the worse.  I'm glad your husband apologized to your son and I hope he will now demonstrate how serious that apology was because that is your son's best hope against internalizing these events.   Family dynamics are interesting. Your daughter may be mirroring some of what has happened at home.  If there is a pattern in your family (I said *if*) of someone verbally abusing others, apologizing, and doing it again, etc., then it makes sense your daughter may find a similar dynamic elsewhere, only this time she is playing the role of the angry person who gets re-accepted into the family after blow ups and mean words.  Somewhere someone may be surprised that you have allowed your husband to behave this way and remain in the family... .just like you are surprised that your daughter has behaved poorly and be taken back in by her boyfriend.  So, stick to your guns about what you will not tolerate in the sanctuary of your home. 

chooselove,

I've stayed away from this site for a few days now because I was somewhat offended by your take on my situation.  I came to the conclusion that just because you read it that way, does not make it so.  All of our experiences lend themselves to our perceptions, so I decided that it wasn't right of me to take offense to what you had said as your experience has dictated that that is what you would have read in my message.   Does my husband sometimes react poorly? Yes, but so do I.  We are human.  Can I expect him to never raise his voice?  Probably not. Does he always do it? No.  Do I always keep my calm? No.  But, having said that, I don't think that either of us are verbally abusive to each other or our children.  We show them respect and want respect from them.  Teenagers often go through trying spells of laziness and disrespect.  Normally, we handle it very well.  Once in a while, frustration rears its ugly head. This time, the frustration was over the top with his sister's terminal illness and our daughter being gone. 

Thanks for giving me your opinion on what you read, but I think that my situation is very different from yours. 

Hi mkmomto,   I did qualify my statements to get your attention to my understanding that what is happening in your home is only known to you, not us, thus my use of the word "if" more than once.   When you said that things were bad enough that your husband was going to move out as soon as he could find a place and you had said you might leave, too, that pulled me into a the possibility that things were bad beyond "normal to be expected frustrations."  I agree that a healthy relationship includes frustrations and occasional yelling.  But see, those are not the things that looked like red flags to me in your post. And, I appreciate all our situations have a uniqueness to them, as well as similarities.  Sometimes we are not ready to be ourselves and let the chips fall, i.e. your alluding to walking on eggshells around your husband vs. letting him see the real you and benefit from that.  The process can be uncomfortable and perhaps you are very afraid he will leave and *if* so that is very understandable.  Some people use the threat of leaving to regain control of others, especially if the person being threatened has abandonment issues. It's unfair and cruel, but effective.   I'm glad you came to terms with being offended by my posts.  I think all of us do well to not take each others' responses personally.  I'm just throwing out observations as they come to me.   I don't expect them to be acted upon or even necessarily mean something to the person I'm responding to.  It's just there as third party feedback for consideration.