BPDFamily.com

I'm new here so I thought I'd say hello.  

It's been many years since I've posted on a message board (since the AOL days!) but I think they can provide a support group and a way to feel less alone when you feel like no one in your personal life understands.

I'm about 3 weeks out of a 1.5 year relationship with a person who has BPD.  I'm still going though the grieving process, although not sure which stage I'm currently in as I feel a lot of different feelings each day. Ultimately,it was my decision to end the relationship, but he pushed me so far away that I had no choice. I realize I am better off but it is still extremely sad and heartbreaking... .one of the most difficult times in my life.

I'm looking forward to comparing notes, helping each other, and sharing experiences.

 *welcome*

Hi Faith1520,

I would like to welcome you. These relationships are difficult and you feel like your walking on eggshells. It's frustrating trying to explain your side and your exes side with people that don't understand mental illness. The disorder is often displayed away from people and the acting out is behind closed doors.

A year and a half is a long time and things are raw at 3 weeks. I'm sorry it came to this. Many of our members share similar experiences.  If you don't mind me asking. What do you mean he pushed you far away?

Hi Mutt, thank you for the kind words.

He's high functioning so I am the only one who saw and dealt with it.

Like many w/this disorder, he never fully trusted me or made himself vulnerable to me. During arguments he would often tell me to go find someone else (who was better than him) and "if you don't like it there's the door." The  BPD behavior was intensified in the last couple weeks of the relationship... .if you can even call it that. He gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks because I couldn't give him a yes or no answer on what I thought we needed to do about the relationship. During this time he refused to go to our counseling sessions and told me to get my stuff out of his place (we don't live together). He went out of town and wouldn't tell me where he was. When I wrote him a letter very lovingly and respectfully explaining my feelings and even saying that I really hoped to move forward with the relationship, his response was cold, defensive, blaming, arrogant. He told me to choose between him and my family and when I told him I wouldnt do that he said that by not choosing I chose them and that he wasn't important enough to me. The final straw was when he refused my request to set up a time to meet in order to talk everything in person, saying he was busy. He was angry that I had not talked to him for so long (at his request!) so his punishment was to not give me what I was asking for. He is a "punisher"  as I discovered reading the book "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward... .which I highly recommend!

So that's why I say he pushed me away... .I felt so lonely in those last couple weeks, I couldn't believe the way he was acting. He ended the relationship physically and emotionally, I was just the one to do it verbally. I realized that because of his abandonment issues he would rather be in a miserable relationship than none at all. When I did the research and learned more about everything that was happening I finally got wise enough to end it.

 *) You're welcome Faith1520,

It's frustrating when you feel isolated and your the only one that sees it and wanted to isolate you further. He was emotionally blackmailing you with giving you an ultimatum by picking him and dropping the people that have known you for you you are and are blood. It's damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

I'm sorry to hear that he was distant and cold and the silent treatment is hard. He may of projected the silent treatment on you. You were going to counselling sessions and that can be very frustrating with someone with BPD and counter productive.

Are you seeing a T now? How's your support unit. I understand that they're not going to get the whole picture. Are they asking questions and its difficult to articulate or are they pretty understanding,and supportive?

Hi Faith!

Like Mutt said, 3 weeks is still a pretty raw time! I felt rather like a burn victim for a while.

Grieving is a weird thing--the stages and feelings are all jumbled up sometimes, they don't really take a linear path. maybe vaguely, but for the most part as humans we can feel so many different ways all at once or in the same day. If we can somehow honor those feelings that's the best gift we can give ourselves during these days while we begin to heal.

I'm just proud of you that you were smart enough to realize you should never be expected to choose someone you've known for a year and a half over your family. That was such a great move on your part.

All this hurts like crazy, but we will get through it, even on the days it doesn't feel like it.

All the best to you... .

Thank you Mutt and Elpis for your kind words.

He has literally no friends and next to no family around for support... .which I feel terrible about. But he put himself in this situation and probably drove some of those people away as well. Even though he enjoyed my family and they took him in as their own, it showed a bit throughout the relationship and in the end for sure that he had some resentment towards me for having them around and for having an overall easier life than he has. He was definitely subconsciously blackmailing me and when I realized it it made me sad and angry because I knew I didn't deserve it. No one does!

I am continuing to see the same therapist that we saw together. I thought it would be the best choice since he got to know me, my ex and what I went through with him. My family is pretty supportive, some easier to talk to than others and I have a best friend who has been wonderful through all of this. I encouraged some of them to read about BPD as I felt that would give them the best chance of understanding.

WELCOME!  This is a great place to understand why you feel the way you do and also to sort out what happened and to get support and identify with others!

There is so much support, guidance and understanding here.

Hi faith,

Like everyone else I wanna welcome u and let u know u made a great choice joining the site . it has helped me greatly. I went through a breakup with mine between 4-6 months ago and ill admit each day can be frustrating at 3 Weeks I never thought i would still be where I am. My biggest advice for u is to let urself grieve. You are gonna hear a lot about nc throughout this site and it is for the best and lastly I know its difficult but as they have split u black u would suggest trying to do same to a degree .I've had to to try real hard to differentiate the woman I fell in love with and the person she is /became in the aftermath. I don't envy the road ahead of u because I know it all too well especially if they already moved on with someone else and ur seen as bubble gum on their shoe. But day by day it does get better.I still think about mine all the time but it isn't with the samr feelings anymore . best wishes

Emancipated

Thanks Infared and Emancipated.

Emancipated - It's hard to paint him back completely, knowing what a great person he could be and having the compassion I do for the sickness he has…but, I know what you're saying. My ex has said some very cruel and hateful things to me, particularly since I ended it… and although it's been very hurtful and hard to accept, in a way it's also confirmed that I've made the right decision in letting it go. It would be extremely hard for me if he moves on anytime soon…I've gone NC in the hopes of being unaware of anything he does, and vice versa.

I'm happy to hear that some members in your family are open-minded and receptive. I admire that you encouraged them to read about BPD! That's smart  

 Hi, Faith, and welcome!

The first few weeks after the breakup are often tumultuous, raw, and chaotic feeling. I felt like I was literally going crazy, myself. I was in a 2-year-long relationship with a BPD man, which ended a little over 8 months ago. I promise you that it does get better!   My best advice is to truly listen to what your feelings are telling you about yourself during this time. The end of these types of relationships is painful and heart-breaking, but it can teach us a lot of truths about ourselves.




I sympathize. There's no need to paint him black if you don't want to. You need to heal and process your way. There may come a time when you do want to "paint him black" and hate him and think only of his flaws, and that will be ok, too. You may never feel any ill will towards him, and that's ok. The important thing is that you do what it sounds like you're already doing -- focus on how his behavior and actions have affected you, how they make you feel. Remind yourself that you are making the right decision for yourself.


I feel you on this. My ex often said things like that to me during arguments, or when he was just feeling down on himself. He was really stuck on the whole "you could do so much better" idea, too.


 That loneliness and distance at the end is so incredibly heart-breaking. Being pushed away from someone we care about, in a relationship we've invested so much in, is a special kind of torment.


My ex, too, has very little in the way of a support system, and for the most part this is due to him pushing people away. And there were many times when he acted resentful of me for having had an easier life than he -- especially at the end, when all the cracks started showing.

On the subject of friends and family... .it's so wonderful that you have such an open-minded, amazing support system! And also wonderful to have a great therapist.  |iiii Don't hold back from leaning on them during this time.


NC is great for a lot of reasons, including this one. What steps have you taken in going NC?

I     this:

HappyNihilis- I am just now seeing your post from weeks ago - thank you!

It's been about 2 weeks and so far I haven't had to put up any kind of fight for NC. I texted him that I was going to drop off the rest of his stuff (at this point it was 2 weeks after the breakup) and apparently that was a trigger because he went off in a text message rage about how it was my fault, I left him, never loved him like I said I did, etc etc and what a horrible person I am. It was tempting to reply and defend myself but I didn't respond to a single text, which of course made him even more upset. After wishing me a miserable life, he finally gave up and I haven't heard from him since. I'm hoping it continues because I've come at least a little ways in my healing and I know if I hear from him I'll have to start all over again. I unfriended him on Facebook but he still has my number and email address. I'm hoping he leaves me alone so I don't have to change any of that.

Actually I think you'll be surprised Faith--the healing you've done will keep building and as you get further away in your brain from the untruths that you were believing you won't go as far back if you hear from him. It's not the easiest, but we can teach ourselves to respond differently even on the inside as we learn what is really True of the relationship. :)

Great job not responding to his little text-rage! I hate those... .