BPDFamily.com

Today started out well. We ate dinner at home with no outside guests. So I arranged this to accommodate my BPD son23. But after dinner my husband and I went to a relatives for dessert. Upon returning our son was angry and projecting sarcasm and trying to fight with us. Then he leaves comes back and I smell marijuana. I understand holidays are difficult for him and I told him that but I can't let him start smoking in the house again. The is my boundary. How do I enforce it. Now I am afraid he will lose his job. I have been working the dbt worksheets myself. He hasn't been diagnosed and wants no part of the workbook. I want him here and I want him safe and I am really working hard on learning new skills not only to deal with him but to calm my anxiety.

Hello marie1057


Enforcing boundaries can be quite challenging but is absolutely necessary when dealing with someone who exhibits BPD traits. We have some information on here that might help you set and enforce boundaries with your son, I suggest you take a look at them:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

Examples of boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0)

Your son hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but do you feel like he in any way acknowledges that there might be something wrong with him?

It's very positive that you're working so hard on learning new skills |iiii You can try to influence him but he himself ultimately is responsible for his own life. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to but what you can change is your own behavior and how you deal with him and the stress he causes you. By changing your own behavior you will be able to change the dynamics of the relationship you have with your son, whether he changes or not. Take care

Hello, marie1057 & I'd like to join Kwamina in welcoming you to this site... .He's given you some very good links to read, and I would like to encourage you to check them out. I'd also like to recommend that you check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page, the TOOLS and THE LESSONS can really give you a handle on understanding how your son's mind works, and how to deal with him better. I've found that learning those things were the first step in improving my relationship with my adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013.

There is no way we can "make" our adult children with BPD get treatment, but there are some things we can do to help them on their journey to help and recovery... .The Feature Articles (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child) linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the threads on this (the Parenting a Child with BPD) Board give very good advice. Even when your child is not already in Therapy, every single one of those Articles is enlightening and helpful.

One of those Articles is How to get a Borderline into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy), and though the whole Article is pertinent to your situation and you should read the whole thing, I found this excerpt for you:

Amador describes what it is like to work with someone who does not believe they are ill. One patient he encountered was paralyzed on his left side and he had problems writing. "When asked to draw a clock the patient thought he did fine", Amador recalls.  However, when he pointed out to the patient that the numbers were outside of the circle, the patient became upset. "The more I talked to him [about the drawing], the more flustered he got... .  Then he got angry and pushed the paper away, saying, 'it's not mine-it's not my drawing.'"

In mental health, we all believe ourselves to be "ground zero" for normalcy and measure everyone else based on our standard. The only way a person knows that they are different is based on the feedback and reactions of others - and this is  complex information to process.  Imagine, for example, if someone told you that the sky was not blue - that you perceived it differently than everyone else.  What would it take for you to believe this?

Granted, it's often a hard concept to wrap our hands around, but guiding a loved one with a mental illness into treatment is a goal, not a given.

What Can I Do for a LovedOne with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits?

Most families are not prepared to cope with a loved one who has a mental illness. It can be physically and emotionally trying, and it can make us feel vulnerable to the opinions and judgments of others.  If you think you or someone you know may have a mental or emotional problem, it is important to remember there is hope and help. With proper care and treatment many individuals learn to cope or recover from Borderline Personality Disorder.

What can we do for a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder traits?

If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on.

Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears.  "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.

Reinforcing the developing awareness.  Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.

Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment.  Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.

I really would like to encourage you to check out the whole thing, and also the other 3 Articles at the first link above... .Please tell us more of your story, and ask your questions; we would like to help, marie1057 

Marie

Maybe you need to define your boundary more clearly? When he left where did he go? Was he in your home smoking?

I think you need to be clear... .is your boundary that he doesn't smoke in your home? or smoke drugs at all? You say "start smoking in the house again" is this something that was allowed at one time? If you are sending mixed messages then I think he is at a disadvantage and might not understand where the line in the sand lies.

Maybe the right to stay in your home involves him going to a drug group weekly? or maybe it involves drug testing? I am just trying to give you some things to think about. Drug use is a hard one and I think pot does help medicate them. I find it hard when some states say it is legal to smoke... .my dd17 does understand this well and either do I.