BPDFamily.com

I realize that (almost) everyone has a good side and there are a lot of good times and good memories that make breakups especially difficult... .but with my ex it felt SO extreme. When things were good, they were REALLY good. He was the most loving and sweet, helpful, agreeable, compassionate person I've ever met... .and just like me has a heart for the helpless (children, animals, the elderly). He was great to be around and when I was with him I felt like I had never felt with any other SO. This is the behavior that made it so hard to leave. I wondered if this was a commonality among those with the disorder or if I just got really unlucky/lucky, depending on how you look at it.

What I have read explained that since pw/BPD have such a fear of being left and never feel "good enough" they are constantly trying to show others the best person they can be so they will not be abandoned (Obviously when the negative emotions and moods take over, they aren't able to act that way) I also read that because pw/BPD feel emotions to such an extreme it is typical that they feel the positive emotions just as extremely as the negative ones... .therefore expressing those emotions to you... .happiness, love, kindness... .and making you feel great. I've also read about idealizing and maybe that is part of what had me feeling so great.

I am just wondering if any of you had experience with this during your relationship. My counselor thinks I'm still in the shock phase. Although I feel the shock of the breakup happening is wearing off, I am having a hard time getting over the shock of how such an amazing, wonderul and loving person could be so... .well, you know. My ex has shown a horrible side of himself, saying some really hateful and hurtful things to me since I ended it (I have since been ignoring him) and I guess in my grieving I am going through moments of still trying to make sense of things. Silly me.

You've recently broken-up and a break-up with a person with BPD is incredibly hard  I'm happy you have found us. Yes, many if not all members experienced idealization and devaluation in their r/s'.

In psychoanalytic theory, when an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good.[1] When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism idealization: a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.

In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealization_and_devaluation

Thanks, Mutt, for the information. So sad.

My high-functioning uBPD/NPDstbxh is still a very loveable person to others. It's funny that I used the same name for him (Jekyll and Hyde) at some moments. I'm also struggling with the fact that this man, this totally funny, loving, attentive, romantic and caring husband has turned into a vindictive, vengeful, no-contact, full of hatred person. At bad episodes I knew he could be bad, calling me names, belittling me, ignoring me, walking out on me, dissociative behaviour. Totally opposite to the doting and caring husband.

So yes, I have a ton of very fond memories, loads of nice holiday pictures, but I'm not visiting them right now, because focussing on the bad stuff helps me to get through the day. Although after two months of total NC, I'm not thinking of him that often anymore. I'm focussing on me instead.

Don't try to make sense of it. Let it go. It'll wear off eventually. Trying to find an explanation for something that is in the past and can't be changed anyway, takes up too much energy. You need that for healing yourself.

Good luck to you. Stay strong!

I think it's important to separate fact from fiction. To de-stigmatize and understand our experiences.

I have a toddler S3 and he has tantrums. He thinks dad is "all bad" when he's having tantrums. My ex wife is emotionally arrested at this age and thinks I'm all bad when she devalues.

She's 32 and he's 3. The common denominator is that both have difficulties communicating needs and get overwhelmed with emotions. It passes.

Thank you Tiepje3. Even before the breakup, when I realized he had BPD and started to learn about it, I had the idea to make a list of all of our arguments that's I could think of. It was crazy how quickly I came up with so many... .and I still find myself adding to the list. I later read that it's a good way to bring you back to why you're no longer in the relationship... .especially on days that are harder. When I really think about these incidents I feel like my mind is blown that all this took place. And I let it happen.

I am so glad about finding out about BPD and grateful to my counselor for detecting it! It was such a lightbulb moment for me. :light: Suddenly i could make some sense of the nonsense. I sometimes wonder if I hadn't learned, would I still be in the relationship and scratching my head trying to figure things out. Scary thought.

Well, here I am over four (4) months later.  I started off with shock and awe after he walked out with me holding the bag for a lot of debt he charged up on my credit cards, etc.--of course promising to pay back with his salary that was 400% more than mine.  That's all I could focus on.  How could he do it after a year-long relationship of my helping him get back on his feet.  I was in denial.  I was furious.

Next, there was bargaining (in my mind)--If I could just do this, and he would just do that, then at least we could be friends (I've never cut anyone off in my life, though arguably, I should have:-)  I'm still friends with my ex-husband of 25 years in addition to everyone I've ever dated or had a r/s with.

Honestly, I stayed in anger for so long (they say if you stay angry, the fear doesn't set in--that anger rides on the same pathway in the brain with fear)--but there was an ever nagging anxiety.  The abandonment with no break up, no fight, no warning, no replacement (that I knew of) was brutal.

Then came the depression.   :'( Ouch.  I'm a very sanguine, upbeat, high energy person.  I'm the strong one.  I cheer everybody else up.  I'm the rescuer.  I'm the Teflon in the family.  What is this awful feeling?

Some say anger turned inward is depression.  Maybe so.  I think I've spent a significant part of my life denying anger and depression, and so finally I am feeling them.  AND, boy does it hurt.   :'(

But then I realized that after moving through these other stages of grief, I must move toward acceptance.  Part of that is admitting that he wasn't always such a horrible person.  Last night, I needed to go back through some old e-mail to find a file; WOW:  TRIGGERED!  There I stared at the most kind and caring words ever written to me; ever said about me.

Don't get me wrong; I didn't like the idealization part.  It felt weird.  The hook for me was the waif in need of a rescuer.  We fed each other's needs--but his were never ending.  Anyway, for the first time in four months, I had to admit to myself that he wasn't a monster.

The deep sadness of that self admission made me realize that my hurt was probably a fraction of what it would take for pwBPD to admit that we are not monsters.  I had to recognize that my hurt and anger and denial had painted him black in a way not dissimilar to the way he had split me black.

Now--he split me for reasons known only to him:  perceptions, justifications, delusions, paranoia--all those nasty things that go along with neuroses and psychoses.  I have a very justified reason for all of my anger and hurt.

And somewhere therein lies, my next step:  radical acceptance!

I can relate. Last week I was cleaning out my dresser and found all her love notes and cards from the beginning of the relationship. They triggered me big time. Anger at her but mainly anger at me. Those waves of healing keep crashing up on the beach and receding.

and thats where a lot of hate inside of them comes from they resent the facade they put on for others. Thats why we all get blindsided its been burning them up inside since the start. Then boom when triggered its all 'your' fault, the mask begins to slip then they pile more anger on the fire because they know you saw the mask slipping away.

Do you think that even while painting someone black part of them knows deep down that they did this to themselves? Now that my ex has expressed that he hates me and the failed relationship is my fault and that I never really loved him like I said I did, I often wonder whether he has moments of clarity in which some part of him, deep down, acknowledges the truth.

My waif exBPDgf had good insight to her actions i suspect she would be classed as high functioning. What your so said to you sound like projections of himself replace you with i.

Ex has expressed that he hates himself and the failed relationship is his fault and that he never really loved you like he said he did.

You may be right. So twisted... .

My ex was very high functioning as well. And the more I use that term, the more I hate it. None of these people can function, let alone at a high level.  

I really think they enjoy all the chaos and pain they cause. Weather it's because it's where their comfort zone is or in a twisted way getting revenge for people that hurt them in childhood and we're the unlucky surrogate. Either way they should be held accountable for their actions.

Hi all

My ex was a bit of both, high functioning and low functioning, flipping from one into the other at any given moment.

His low functioning side meant that he has been unemployed for 6 years now, and claims he is homeless, (yet when I run into his sister in-law at the local shops, she tells me he is staying with 'friends' but that 'it isn't a good environment for him', hmph like he's a goody goody angel or something!)

He is also notoriously bad with his money, yet always alleged he could manage it very well, NOT, so he has debts piling up everywhere that he isn't paying, and is also driving around without a license, as his parking fines were being sent to his elderly parents, (of whom he thought would be paying them like usual, they haven't, and also haven't heard from him for months, which means he has lost his license and either doesn't realise or doesn't care anyway).

When he feels desperate, he will stop at nothing to get by, if this means stealing from others, then so be it, (he feels entitled to).

He will also stalk, snoop and spy into other people's business, including stealing their mail and rifling through their personal things, (also feels entitled and justified), calls himself 'a desperate man'.

When in that mood, he will use violence (in all forms), deviousness and threats if he feels the need.

He will break the law also, on any given day if he thinks he can get away with it.

High functioning side

He is extremely capable and intelligent, (with a huge earning capacity if he would actually work), has a degree in mining.

Can be very polite, and incredibly charming, (totally disarming charm which certainly swept me off my feet at first).

Can seem to be very caring and considerate, but I came to learn that this was faked in order to get what he needs at any given moment.

Can be very calm and together, (although rarely of course).

At times seemed very 'normal', (rarely though).

Generous, hardworking, perfectionistic, kind, empathic, (not for long though and there was always an undercurrent of manipulation).

Funny, sociable, but childlike mostly, (like a teenage boy or a young boy).

And he was an incredible lover if he felt like making an effort, but this became less and less as time wore on, and his list of gripes against me grew and grew.

I'm still pretty shaken up about the whole relationship, and its effects on me, still love him of course, (always will) but realise that he was too dangerous to be around. There was no healing to be had for me, and certainly not for him, he wasn't prepared to do the hard work.

My instinct tells me he is still around, stalking me, and prowling around at night taking revenge on my stuff, (cars bikes etc), but I haven't got any proof yet, am working on it though.

Since when we were together he was always damaging my stuff, and others (my families things) I would not be surprised if my instinct is correct, given the damages that have happened over the past 8 months of separation, after 4 years off and on.

In May, June, and August, he contacted me, the latter in August, he was wanting me to have regular phone contact, but I just stopped calling him, and went NC again, listening to his madness on the phone was dragging me down too much. Since then, he hasn't contacted me by phone at all, and I wouldn't be surprised if he has another victim, and probably did when he was making contact with me too.

I ponder this because when we were together, he used to tell people that he was 'staying with friends', (translate that to free lodging at my place).

So, that's my two cents peoples, hope there is something here that helps.

Hey faith, i was just passing on my thoughts. My waif in the last 5 years of our 10 year dance was regulary saying things to me like your not cheating are you? Your not gay are you? Your not gonna be one of those guys that suddenly days you are gay?. I was so confussed at the time she mentioned it so much i began to doubt myself. I would ask her why she thought i was cheating and why she thought i would be gay?. Im a pretty rugged biker dude a manly man  . Turns out its her who was cheating with women and men so if she was doing it in her mind i must be too, turns out she would come out as bisexual in the end (she loved the choas that followed with that life). So sometimes they let snippets of truth out but push the blame onto there closest ones leaving the chaos of confusion. Projection of there badselves sucks. Take care.

Rollercoaster:  your description of your Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is nearly IDENTICAL to mine.  Below (in my reply), I have changed only a few words in your post (in all caps) describing the many ways the two pwBPD are so alike.  Thanks for this; I needed the reminder:

My ex was a bit of both, high functioning and low functioning, flipping from one into the other at any given moment.  AND RARELY PREDICTABLE!

His low functioning side meant that he has been unemployed (OFF AND ON for MOST OF THIS LIFE), and claims he ALWAYS IS AT RISK OF BEING homeless, (YET HE HAS MANAGED TO DODGE ANOTHER EVICTION AND MOVE TO THE BEACH!) He is also notoriously bad with his money, yet always alleged he could manage it very well, NOT, so he has debts piling up everywhere that he isn't paying, so his BILLS (HE IS 48) are being sent to his elderly parents, (who he feels SHOULD be paying them, they haven't, and also have (SCARCELY) heard from him for months, which means he IS BEGINNING TO CONTACT ME AGAIN!

***This is how the roller coaster ride started in the first place--he needed money for rent, car insurance, and anything else that he IS ENTITLED TO.  AND HE IS ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING!

When he feels desperate, he will stop at nothing to get by, if this means stealing from others, then so be it, (he feels entitled to). AND IT LANDED HIM IN FEDERAL PRISON FOR THREE YEARS!  He will also stalk, snoop and spy into other people's business, including stealing their mail and rifling through their personal things, (also feels entitled and justified), calls himself "a desperate man" who he has identified as ":)ARK MAN" WHEN HE IS IN DESPERATION MODE.  When in that mood, he will use violence (in all forms), deviousness and threats if he feels the need. (IF HE WERE NOT ON FEDERAL PROBATION, I WOULD PROBABLY BE IN PHYSICAL DANGER). He will break the law also, on any given day if he thinks he can get away with it.  AMEN!

High functioning side

He is extremely capable and intelligent, (with a huge earning capacity WHEN HE actually works), has a degree in MANAGEMENT INFORMATION SYSTEMS. HE IS A HIGH LEVEL SOFTWARE DEVELOPER.

Can be very polite, and incredibly charming, (totally disarming charm which certainly swept me off my feet at first).  SOMETIMES IT WAS A BIT MUCH.  

Can seem to be very caring and considerate, but I came to learn that this was faked in order to get what he needs at any given moment.  AMEN!

Can be very calm and together, (although rarely of course).  I IMAGINE HE WAS BITING HIS LIP AND GNASHING HIS TEETH.

At times seemed very 'normal', (rarely though). AND THE NORMAL STATE WAS SOON AFTER FOLLOWED BY JEALOUS FITS OF RAGE!

Generous (TO A FAULT), hardworking, perfectionistic, kind, empathic, (not for long though and there was always an undercurrent of manipulation). QUID PRO QUO.

Funny, sociable, but childlike mostly, (like a teenage boy or a young boy).  HIS MOST ENDEARING QUALITY!

And he was an ENERGETIC lover if he felt like making an effort, but this became less and less as time wore on, and his list of gripes against me grew and grew.

I'm still pretty shaken up about the whole relationship, and its effects on me, still love him of course, (always will) but realize that he was too dangerous to be around. There was no healing to be had for me, and certainly not for him, he wasn't prepared to do the hard work.

My instinct tells me he is still around, stalking me, and prowling around at night taking revenge on my stuff, (cars bikes etc), but I haven't got any proof yet, am working on it though.  MY CAT DISAPPEARED; MY ENGINE BLEW; MY WIFI ROUTER WAS HACKED; MY SIGNAL BOOSTER WAS DISABLED AND MANY THINGS WENT MISSING. Since when we were together he was always TAKING my stuff, and others (my families things). I would not be surprised if my instinct is correct, given the damages that have happened over the past 4 months of separation, after a 1-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

HE CONTACTS ME ONLY WHEN HE NEEDS SOMETHING:  NEED=LOVE... .but HE ONLY IS TO BE CONTACTING ME THROUGH MY ATTORNEY (NOT), as READING his madness in text on the phone was dragging me down too much. HE CAN'T SEE ME OR HEAR MY VOICE FOR SOME REASON.  Since HE ABANDONED ME ON AUGUST 1, he has CONTACTED ME ONLY BY TEXT, and I wouldn't be surprised if he has another victim, and probably did when he was IN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH me too.

So, that's my two cents peoples, hope there is something here that helps.

IT DID; THANKS!