BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I took the depression quiz linked to this site and scored about 50. While I believe there are many reasons contributing to my depression I'll try to summarize and keep it to however I think it relates to my r/s with BPDgf.

Without rehashing all of the extreme drama that has occured I feel beaten down in all most areas of my life except for work... .and little by little the work stress is starting to creep in which won't help, since work is like my escape/life line.

So my BPDgf has moved out of my house and is living in an apt leased by her son's gf. Getting her out of the house was a good thing and she now has a menial labor job.  Her docs have her on a cocktail of anti psychotics but no controlled narcotics or anything like that. The cocktail of drugs seem to have turned her into a zombie like personality.  Her time in my home was extremely boring and her interest in sex went from very high to zero,  I think because of the meds.

She did not help too much in the house and applied for social security disability which was denied. She has been out of the house for about 2 weeks and I have seen her a couple of times but don't miss her.

Right or wrong I tend to view r/s in terms of meeting each others needs and consider return on investment.  Trying to think as clearly as I can I realize this gf is not able to meet my needs, at least right now.

Because I am very down right now I am trying to be careful with any contact and not say much to her. Her problems are way worse than mine and a few weeks ago when she was having an "I am a loser" moment I countered with a "well, gee I am a loser too" type response and she didn't want to hear it.

To wrap it up with her life almost at the very bottom but now showing small signs of improvement I don't want to p*ss on her parade with my problems... .and not sure if dumping her is the right thing to do ... .at this time.

Oh yeah I take some wellbutrin regularly for depression and a small dosage of xanax for panic attacks (which I would like to stop taking).

Thanks for listening as this is the only place I can go periodically to share these thoughts.

hi nowwhatz. the first thing i would ask is, is your depression situational or endemic? mine's endemic, and after years of thinking i would one day break out of it somehow, i relented and came to admit that i could only manage it. i now take lexapro (and briefly was prescribed xanax, which i hated and tossed). do you feel the wellbutrin helps?

Hi Maxen,

That is a good question. My best guestimate is more situational then endemic. I was on wellbutrin about 12 years ago following a horrible family tragedy, then got off it after a couple of years... .now back on wellbutrin since my adventures with the BPDgf began. About a year into the BPD roller coaster I started to experience frequent panic attacks. The attacks are under control with xanax but I feel like the drug is dumbing me down somewhat even though it is a low dosage.

As for the wellbutrin I think it works. I know there are other meds out there that are stronger or work in different ways. My only other experience was with paxil which turned me into a zombie and I had to stop taking it right away.

Unfortunatley it has been over a year since I was able to see a psychiatrist and over a year since my therapist ¨fired¨me... .I used VA medical and you know they are having problems. Perhaps a visit with a doc might result in a change of prescriptions?

As the weekend progressed I seemed to get out of my funk a little bit. Not having the BPDgf in my house is helping. 

that's awful about your medical plan. if you can swing it, i think a visit to a psychiatrist would be a good thing. do you have any kind of insurance?

as to the r/s, you posted in Undecided. have you read through Choosing a Path on the right hand side of this page? it could be very helpful in clarifying your thinking.

I have partial VA medical benefits which means I pay for services similiar to insurance. The costs of prescriptions is super inexpensive.  The VA psychiatrist was actually very good but he retired. The therapist was also very good but I had to be released from their counseling program for economic reasons I am pretty sure. I may need to pay a private psychiatrist self-pay or self-pay if I can find a therapist.

I am thankful for the VA medical program but there is an old joke about VA medical that it is great unless you are really sick then it is hurry up and die.

Yes, I have read the Choosing a Path several times and still cannot decide. In February it will be 4 years into this r/s. There are many problems in my life that have appeared since the r/s started. I can only take responsibility for my own bad choices and not blame the r/s or gf but I now live mostly in depression and fear with my work as my only "salvation" and I am starting to make mistakes which could cost me.

Right now I am in a destructive cycle which is not getting much better so something has to change. Ironically the BPDgf hit rock bottom for various reasons but has been slowly improving and seems happier than me.

I have found a few things helped me somewhat,  although consistency is key and when you are suffering from depression consistency can be hard to obtain.

Anyway some basics.

Make sure you are eating a nutrition rich diet.

Make sure you are drinking enough water

Get enough sleep

Get excercise

Don't self medicate with alcohol etc

if you can get access to a punch bag I find it really helps to just lay into it, counts as excercise too.

Do things to build up your self esteem, this can even come down to the little things like keeping your house clean and making sure you are dressing tidy.

These are all just little things but together they do help. And they are things people tend to let slip while in the clutches of depression.