BPDFamily.com

I left my wife 6 months ago now, although really "left" is a difficult one to claim as we've been talking (arguing) for the past 6 months so I hampered my own recovery time. Like everyone here it seems that I found my exBPD at a time when I was crucially wounded, I'd finished another long term relationship of 5 years and felt very betrayed and lost, within a month of that, the exBPDw showed up. Looking through her line of loves, each one is the same, fundamentally good, helpful people who she could use in some way or another to fulfill her strange needs. You can't spot this as a manipulation or "use" to begin with because we, as good kind and giving, caring people, don't have it in us to behave like that and that's the very reason why you were chosen, and the very reason you are searching for some truth about what happened with your ex, the number os "whys" I had/have are off the charts. I couldn't accept a person would be taunting or cruel to someone they claimed to love, that they would smarm and strive to decieve this person they claim in another breath is everything to them. But they can. And they do. Over and over and over. The only person who can stop their manipulation of you, is you.

For years I've struggled to understand BPD, made excuses for behaviour but a few weeks ago I had an incident happen to me, I was drugged and robbed. Upon recounting that story with my exBPDw I could see clearly that this woman simply doesn't care about anyone, let alone the person she claims to love. All she could do was twist what had happened to me around to be about her, that I had deserved what happened to me because then I would understand her better. Everything has always been about her, even the most poignant or sad personal tragedy could befall me, i could be heartbroken, I could be in desperate need and yet still, apart from a couple of face saving attempts, it would always be about her. We have to stop looking for answers about them, it is in their favour to keep us confused, this is how they get their kicks, deflection, lies, blaming, this is how they kep their fragile selves together and the longer we participate the harder it is for us to break away, the more the crazy FOG talk goes on, the more credence we give it, the less we have a grip on the real reality of the situation, the reality, that we are abused by people who claim to love us.

Whether they have BPD, whether they can be saved, whether they can help it, our "caring" like this is exactly why we are a target for them. I bet we all have mates who think we are ridiculous, who say "what is wrong with you, just leave her", and they are right, something is wrong with us, we haven't learnt a vital lesson and things will just carry on getting more painful and the suffering will go on unless we learn it and its a lesson about ourselves and not them. I was taught by my family to be caring, sympathetic and to look out for others less fortunate, if that is your modus, BPDs will seek you out. I was unable to put down the proper boundaries, i got seperated from my family and friends and I couldn't see who I was anymore, what I enjoyed because I was always making space for her, her drama, her friends and in the end, not only did I not get thanked, I got royally *********. Guys and girls, don't despair, because you WILL make it out the other side, I know this, because I am coming out of the other side like a **** stained Shawshank finale and there IS a reason this has happened to you but the keenest advice I can give you is just stop, breath and in every action you do, every single action, think about yourself. I know its hard for us nons to be selfull (not selfish), but to get past this we need to be self-FULL, consider what is best for you (ie, answering crazy or not answering crazy, spending your day thinking about crazy or treating yourself to something you've always wanted).

Every single cent I made I earmarked for my ex in some way, its time to stop, its time to put ourselves first, when I began to do this, when I understood that if a person can't show the same compassion to me that I can show then I was doing myself out of love, I began to get over it. Its hard but I think we need to stop obsessing about BPD, if we've left, everytime you think about "why did she do that to me" "why is she dating him" "if i tell her she had BPD"... .just think instead of yourself, that you ARE the kind of person who pours love on people when they need it, you're kind, you're good and you deserve the exact same back. I just want to reach out to everyone here who is suffering, and it is heart wrenching pain and suffering to go through this, that for us, as codas and nons, its a lesson we have to learn and you will be a better person out of the other side of this, who knows what they want, and what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. When you're in pain, tell yourself you're a good person, you must be, or you wouldn't have been targetted in the first place (this is why your friend wasn't targetted) but you do have a lesson to learn about yourself, put yourself front and centre and the BPD to the back of the line. Good luck all.

That is so true, especially about the so confusing "face saving attempts". I think what triggered all the crisis with my exuBPDbf is the trouble I experienced at work at the beginning of the year. I was suspected of doing something I didn't do, a fact finding session followed and I was found completely innocent. To say this was stressful would be an understatement, as I can't afford to lose this job (and really who can in this economy ?) Anyway instead of finding support with exuBPDbf, he only made matters much much worse, he even started drinking again (alcohol and BPD, what a lovely mix  ) I did get some lame "face saving attempts" to be supportive, let just say my cats and my dog were much more competent at it lol. Anyway, I now realize I would have lived through this awful situation better alone than with him. Thanks Trog for sharing.

Wise words Trog, so glad to see you are coming through to the other side with some clarity and strength.  I am also almost 6 mths out.  I do think the experience of leaving is different from the experience of being abandoned though.  I think for me, I began to detach long before I left.  I do think this helps.  It is all a process.  In the beginning, when I learned about BPD, I just wanted to examine and re-examine every little thing he did.  I wanted to deal with it logically.  Then after a period of time I realised that there was no solution in this and I had to focus on my own experience.  I see other members going through the same process.  When they first come here, they are desperately searching for answers.  And you can see as time goes on their focus gradually changes to their own experience.  It really is incredible how resilient we are.  We certainly don't think we are when we first arrive here!  All the best in your journey to healing!

Hi Pingo,

You're right, old rescuer habits die hard! Its painful to read everyone examining and in such pain, you want to be able to help, but you're correct in that suffering is the teacher and they have to go through it in their own ways, questioning everything, turning over every stone and then in the end people do tend to shift their focus onto themselves and recover. People say Time is a healer... .and then they leave it there, which feels like a sentence to carry out! But I'd like to say its not only time, time with no work or questioning may also heal but looking into yourself not only "heals" it makes you better than you were before and more likely to find that love you need, a real love.

This > https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves > is something to read, re-read, add to favourites and re-read again and again at different stages of your recovery. I read it at different stages and as time went by more and more of it comforted and resonated with me.

Trog: I want to thank you so much for what you wrote in your post: a soulful, heartfelt THANKS!

Pingo: I was abandoned, out of the blue (I refused to believe or take note of the signs), and I'm interested in how you think leaving vs being left is different.

Anyway, I'm now 4 months out, and I completely agree--we move from "What in the heck are they doing?" To "What in the heck was I thinking?" And what do I need to do about me so this never happens again?

Trog, like you and many others, I was reeling from the end of a 25-year marriage and the very painful demise of my first post-divorce relationship. Enter stage right: exbfBPD! He needed the kindest most caring most connected most resourceful and most generous person on the planet. He found me when he was living in a halfway house after serving 3 months in federal prison for financial fraud (unbeknownst to me at the time). Eventually, he did to me what he had done to other women who landed him in a federal penitentiary. Yet still, I felt I could help him, and he never would hurt or abandon me.

Your post made me realize today THAT IS WHY HE CHOSE ME, as opposed to thinking I was dumb or naive or damaged. Now I have to continue to work on WHY I CHOSE TO STAY WITH HIM?

Thank you; thank you; thank you!

Yes they do choose us, they have a preference for trusting people who don't enforce boundaries. I'd say our work then is two-fold, firstly, putting ourselves at the helm of our lives and understanding our wants and needs and then working out and setting boundaries for all interactions and then secondly, once we've worked that out, exercising our boundary muscle at every opportunity (work, home, love, friends) and then we wont have to wonder why we chose to stay, as we wont. Its all part of the same puzzle and its all solvable within ourselves... .which is the good news! We don't have to rely on them, or understanding them, to get past this.

Hi Loveofhislife, I have read heartbreaking stories on here of people who were dumped without a moment's notice.  At least I had some sort of control over the situation.  It was my decision to end the r/s.  I have recently reconnected with an old bf from 16 yrs ago.  I mentioned this in another thread.  We have been texting/talking/fb messaging for a few mths and I was beginning to wonder if we could maybe rekindle our romance.  We seemed to be getting quite close recently.  Then he pulled the rug out from under me last Monday and sent me a 'dear John' text!  I have no idea why I'm cut off!  I have been left dumbfounded with no explanation (He is not personality disordered).  All he said was that he was sorry for any hurt he may have caused and that he had to go and 'fix his broken life'!  I am angry that I once again let this person into my life for him to once again stomp on my heart!  And this was just a short emotional affair (we hadn't even seen each other yet). I have had other r/ss where I was dumped (said bf being one of them 16 yrs ago) and it really sucks!  Not only do you have to grieve the r/s but also wrangle with the feelings of unworthiness and loss of control.  My first bf of 4 yrs dumped me on the eve of my 21st birthday (24 yrs ago today actually)!  This one really damaged my ego and has affected all my other r/ss.  Every abandonment triggers the memory and pain of all previous abandonments, right back to our childhood.

Trog, your post was very helpful.

I am still with my wife, and at times, I find myself exhausted and depressed.  I cannot seem to get my inner equilibrium back.  I feel off balance all of the time.  I know that it is because of my relationship with my BPD wife and growing up with my npd dad.

That being said, I took some time out for myself today.  I used to get so motivated in life, and now I just feel spent.  So, I took my free time to do nothing and try to relax.  I started thinking about my situation, and I realized that when I met my wife, she made me feel so good about myself and gave my life purpose.

Yes, all of my money went to her.  Yes, I tried to make her happy and supply her with everything she wanted.  Yes, she was great to me, then she took all of that away.  I found myself sputtering.  I think I lost my purpose now.  I am trying to rediscover what my "purpose" is, and it makes me feel guilty.

Everyday I try to focus a little more on what I need to do here in life.  It seems to be a painfully hard journey.  There are times that I would love to share my hopes and dreams with my wife.  There are times that I would just love some simple support and affection.  I just have to get it out of my head that it will happen.  She just doesn't care.

Thanks again Trog!

Trog: I have copied and pasted your reply to send to my T: it was a kind, concise description of a scope of work on which I need to embark. T has been really focused on my FOO issues as well as re-parenting and some very necessary relaxation and meditation exercises. This week, after praying, it occurred to me that I virtually have left God out of everything--almost as if I was ashamed to tell him how foolish and masochistic I have been. That feeling about leaving God out of my healing is not unlike how reluctant I was to tell any of my loved ones about what happened over the year with exbfBPD, and it took a long time to ask anyone for help.

Workinprogress: we are here; we feel your pain; please continue to let us know how you're doing, and lean on us when you need to.

Pingo--the abandonment was unbelieveable and no doubt brought back past hurts and betrayals. And he left me in financial rubble--it's been hard remaining NC when there has been a legal and "collections" process ongoing. I'm sorry for your recent disappointments.

Trog et al: thanks again for this awesome post

Great Post! You really get it  :)

I'm on this site because my SO has an uBPDxw but have my own history of a codependent 20 year marriage to an alcoholic.


Your above quote really resonates with me and it was a lesson that I learned when I left my marriage.   "Self-full" is my new favorite word!  |iiii

Thanks, Lovethislife!  I know sometimes I'm all over the place, I really appreciate the support!

With the holidays coming, I will be around my foo more, and my wife will be extra nice to me.  That always make it tough for me.  She lures me back in, then discards me later.  I am doing better and not getting sucked in quite as bad.  I still have work to do though.

Trog,

Many thanks for taking the time to write your original post - I found it very powerful and exactly what I needed to hear just now.

We DO have lessons to learn, I can feel myself learning them every day that I reflect upon the madness that has now left my life now that my BPD ex is no longer killing the calm balance of my existence.

It still hurts, but I am actively working on the lessons I have to learn - and working on seeing, acknowledging and acting on the red flags others now show, as I dip my toe back into the world of dating.

You sound strong. Well done. :-)

Thanks again.

C14