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I've personally been struggling a lot with this. I'm not the same person I was before. A huge part of me is thankful for that -- I have learned so much about myself and life, and I know what I need to do for myself, and in a lot of ways I feel mentally clearer than I ever have.

But there are also negative results for me. Things that never bothered me before in life, in close relationships like friends and family, or in dating situations have been triggering me. (Work is blissfully exempt, which makes sense.) In hindsight, I can trace almost all of them to my r/s and related, underlying issues I've been confronting in myself and dealing with. However, in the moment, I haven't been dealing with them in the best way. This leads to self-loathing on my part, because I've reacted with thoughts and/or behavior going against my core values and who I truly feel I am. The self-loathing leads me to fall into a depressive state where I become negative and fatalistic. I lash out and am defensive, and then retreat into myself.

I know that I need to work on identifying when I'm triggered and reacting in a healthy way. But it's the triggers themselves that have kept me in a downward spiral. Because lately I've been so incredibly scared that this has become my personality somehow... .that this relationship has forever damaged me to a point where I can no longer be the person I used to be... .overall, and most frighteningly, that I truly have somehow lost control of who I am. I feel like I've done some good, hard work on myself since the breakup, but this is a part where I just have felt at a complete loss.

It might be helpful if I start to look at them as trauma reactions -- that these are instances that bring up painful memories of my r/s, causing me to completely abandon the present situation and instead react to my past pain, abuse, etc. Dealing with the aftermath of my r/s has forced me to confront underlying issues, which has brought its own pain. And my exbf did a real number on me, working on all of my core beliefs and needs, strengths and weaknesses, and yes, there was abuse of all sorts involved. Not that the least of which was what so, so many of us here struggle so mightily with -- that someone who we let completely in, who we thought loved and accepted us, could change so quickly, withdraw so fully, and seemingly invalidate our very being. That's its own special kind of trauma: a wound to the soul.

My therapist tells me that the worst thing is avoidance. I know I need to push through and face social situations and interactions. (I've battled social phobia and anxiety all my life, anyway. I had gotten so much better with it, but this has caused a bit of a backslide.) But it's hard right now. It's hard because I don't really feel like myself. I don't want to become a burden or drain on my friends and family by them feeling like they have to tip-toe around subjects with me -- which I know they've been doing, and which makes me feel even worse. Then I get very down and don't feel much like talking to anyone or doing anything.

Of course, I also need to work on resolving that underlying pain causing the triggers, and only I can do that for myself. I don't want to retreat from much-needed friendship and social support to do so, though, which is what I'm often tempted to do.

I know I can be happy and strong. I've been there before. I'm just at a down point right now, where I'm worried that I'll never be there again.

HappyNihilist, I am sorry about these trauma triggers you are experiencing.  We sound like we are at about the same place in our healing.  I am going through a very similar stage.  Wondering if I'll ever be 'normal' again.  Not wanting to be around people for fear of being triggered.  I've become quite the recluse.  I've been feeling like a prisoner.  I saw my T last week and told her how hopeless I feel.  She asked me how I survived my unhappy childhood with my possibly PD mother?  How did I get enough strength to get out of my abusive marriage?  I had to remember that I had an inner strength.  I called it 'rebellion' as a teenager.  Since this appointment my attitude has shifted somewhat.  I am feeling a little more empowered and a little more hopeful.  I had to find the 'fight' in me.  Is there a 'fight' in you?  Can you remember times in your life you had to use your strength?  Can you tap into this now? 

Thank you, Pingo, and I'm sorry you're in a similar stage, too.   You describe exactly what I'm feeling and going through right now.  


What a lovely reminder of your own inner strength and power!   I'm so glad you've been feeling more hopeful and empowered since your appointment. Those are definitely achievements that required a lot of strength and self-protection.

This makes me think... .the very fact that we are here, where we are, still standing and fighting and trying... .that's powerful. That we're still working to take care of ourselves and live our best lives... .that takes strength.

My mother used to call me her little hellcat. I've always been quite the strong individual.  lol I have to stop letting myself feel like life and circumstances have beaten me down. I'm still who I have always been. No one can take that away from me except for me.

Thank you again for sharing your story and advice.   I wish you the best in your journey to find your "fight" and to heal. We will get there. 

Hi  HappyNihilist

I feel for you. it's a long and winding road to healing the 'soul wound' you describe and sometimes we all get interrupted on the way.


i couldn't help but notice quite a tone of 'duty calling'ness if you know what I mean. you need to do certain things. You don't want to do certain things (but possibly feel obliged?)Your therapist doesn't want you to avoid things. you are mad at yourself for falling into old patterns.

Oh Nihilist. I ache for you to be so hard on yourself. To not feel free to do what you truly WANT to do.

Maybe you have a compulsion to retreat because that is the thing that saved you before? Maybe you want to avoid people because your wounds are not healed enough for you to face the risk?

Consider - even soldiers at war are taken off the battlefront if they are injured and don't go back there till they are healed.

Are you entitled to any less consideration? You've been HURT and you need to grieve. Sometimes it's better to grieve with a friend other times it's better to grieve alone. i wonder if you trust your instincts on this?

Retreating from friendship and support is quite natural in the face of great pain. The thing I find is that when I give myself the indulgence of retreat, I enjoy it and then quite naturally I feel drawn back into my social circle. true friends know your situation and allow you to come and go.

Maybe instead of working on the person you want to be, you used to be, maybe it's ok to just allow the person you are right now come out? Who you were has changed as a result of your experience. Going back is not an option but reincorporating the things you used to like about yourself still is. But it takes patience, Grasshopper!

(So says me who wants everything fixed RIGHT NOW)

As far as the self loathing goes, I would ask if you have been able to learn why you would loathe yourself for going 'wrong'?

Most babies aren't born with self loathing as a part of their being - did you pick it up somewhere along the way? is that voice truly yours?

Ziggiddy, you have no idea how much this touched me. I cry every time I read it. Thank you so much. 

oh dear - are you okay? I didn't mean to make you cry!

I think you are lacking support and sympathy, Happynihilist and I am sorry for it. We all need to be cared for from time to time. You seem to have to take on the whole battle yourself. I wish for you to have more sympathy for yourself and be ok with self indulgence. my guess is you don't do it much do you? Give yourself kindness and nice feelings. You are very worth it Nihilist. You really are

<Virtual hug> 

Couple of remarks in your post:

First the trauma triggers: My T told me the same thing.  Mostly places where the horrible events happened are traumatic triggers for me.

I've listened to my T, but debated the purpose of facing these triggers.  For instance, if the place costs me money without any benefit other than re-living a trauma - why should I go? 

Should my time and effort be spent facing the past or moving forward? I've decided - no.  Peace of mind is what is most important to me right now.  When I'm ready - I'll know it.  Their advice, my life.

The second thing I notice is that you don't feel good about yourself.  I was in the same situation.  Extremely low self-esteem.  My T had me focus on my strengths.  I took time, I am no longer looking at what is wrong but what I can do to build on myself.  It's ain't easy.  I know.  But every morning - think about 1 thing positive in your life.  Next morning think of something different.

BTW: I live on Daily motivation quotes, some are better than others.  Start counting your blessings, don't look back,  you're not going that way.

Peace Braw