BPDFamily.com

it's been three weeks now and we haven't spoken

every time we do this I'm never sure if I should start moving on or if I should give him enough time to get his emotions in order. Sometimes I feel dumb.

He always comes back with a long letter about what he's learned while we're apart and how he's come to realize how much he loves me.

But then two-three months later, he's not in love with me, and never could be in love with me. He just wakes up like that and doesn't know the reason, and I don't think he finds it necessary to have one.

I don't know if he's only around because I take him back or if he actually loves me and the BPD makes him want to take a relationship vacation every few months.

In the past I'd reach out but I don't do that anymore. I could tell it was coming this time and I told him if he was feeling indifferent about hurting my feelings or indifferent towards our relationship, then I needed to step back.

I want to stay, but how do I stay in a relationship that doesn't exist right now? How do I remind myself that this is a pause?

We've been doing this for over two years now, and we've gotten better on both sides. But it's hard and everyone just dismisses him as abusive or crazy and that's not the support I'm looking for

From reading others experiences I feel like this period of telling me he's not in love with me and snapping at me over every little thing and then not talking to me is the disregulation, but I don't know if it lasts for weeks. He'll go for weeks not talking to me and behaving as if he got this big weight off his shoulders, like I was the worst person to be with, but he's finally seen the light

I went through a one year period of my dBPDh doing this. He left and came back 5 times. It was driving me nuts. I put my foot down. I told him I would take him back because I loved him, but because I loved me too... .I wouldn't do this again. If he wants to stay, he can. If he wants to leave, he can but I won't be waiting for him next time.

That was 5 years ago. Since then, he's had empty threats of divorce during dysregulation, threatened to leave but never steps out the door. When he says those things to me I remain calm and say hey... .go ahead. I love you and I want you here, but if you want to go... .go. He hasn't bit yet. He's gotten to the front door, but hasn't gone out it.

I know other people have experienced differently, so I'm not sure I'm much help. But sweetie, you gotta love yourself enough to decide whether or not this is what you want. If you do... .you have to put some boundaries up for yourself.

My experience is basically the same. If I'm feeling OK then I can cope with it, because yes, he always has come back. Not that he has threatened to leave - but always this no contact, no speaking time, or just ignoring me. My friends are well aware of this cycle and always tell me not to worry. Whatever, I try to make my life pleasant outside of this relationship, and tell myself that these periods have nothing to do with me. And mostly I succeed. But I have set myself a different goal/task  - that of trying to support him and be a real constant, not blame or cause waves. I know that most of the time he is a good person, that that is what he wants to be, but can't always manage. It's a disability. Not as obvious as a physical one, but as real.

However, this  is not the aim of a normal partnership. It provides a lot of freedom on the one hand, a central point in life on the other. Maybe this suits me personally, but I wouldn't recommend building a life on it. But, as you say, you are getting better at dealing with the no communication phases, so maybe, like me, you just have to keep reaching out to OTHER people during these phases, and enjoy life anyway. I'm certainly trying.

Hi there panda,

One thing that comes to my mind : we men need time off to sort our emotions out, like you said.  But usually it should not take more than a few days.

It is a good sign that he writes down the things he's learned.  It shows he learns about himself and his needs, which is a big asset in life.

About the 2-3 month interval : is it possible that you smother him after being separated?  For us men a clinging partner is not what we want, and his reaction is typical for this kind of thing.

Don't want to point fingers, but sometimes it is useful to know ourselves before we can judge a situation correctly.

Jack

Hi Mangopanda,

Love your name by the way  |iiii I'm not often on the Staying Board but had to see what a fellow Panda had to say.  It sounds as if you have the push/pull going on.  Below is a thread about push/pull it might help in understanding why your honey has these back and forth episodes.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

Yeah I'm getting better at not making waves when he does this. In the past I would get angry because I didn't fully understand that he can't help the push back. This time I just said that I needed to step back but I didn't know how long because I don't know how long he'll be cold towards me. And he just said "okay." In the past I feel like when I stayed while he was being cold towards me it did more harm than good. I thought if I stayed even when he was being emotionally abusive to a degree, that I was supporting him. But I realized that built resentment. I just get worried because I never know if when he pushes back he really means it, it's just a waiting game.

To be honest, I used to be smothering. I would call text send him messages asking why he was behaving like I was a stranger off the street, when he was madly in love with me only a few days before. This usually turned out very bad, but I realized that I still had to respect boundaries, and my own boundaries.

thank you :) i love pandas lol yeah from what I've been learning about BPD it usually seems that way, I'm just never sure if it's supposed to be this drastic, he will literally not talk to or acknowledge me for weeks.

There's your answer.

You, as a woman, need social interaction and closeness more than an average man.

Especially after a break, you want to go full speed ahead again with the closeness.

And this way, you just confirm to him why he left last time... .

In his eyes,  you're too needy, suffocating him... .

Every man needs his own time.   And often, from affection,  women want to take up all his time.

Because for most women, relationships are about being together all of the time; so every second he wants to have for himself, you start to panic whether he's lost interest in you. 

Do not worry, he didn't lose interest; he's just a man, and this is what men need.

He'll appreciate you much more if you understand this side of his needs, and respect it.  You'll be one of the few women who gets it... .

And like you said: we men need off-time to sort out our emotions.  Do not interfere at that time, you'll only be making the process take longer.  Even asking what's wrong is interfering here.  If he doesn't react, he's working on this; let him.  Be confident that he will come out of the thinking cave when he is done, and he'll appreciate you all the more for understanding him.

If needs are understood and respected from both sides, a relationship grows into something wonderful.

Jack

Jack it probably wasn't your intent but I find the above rather sexist.  I am a woman who likes my space with a boyfriend that can feel clingy to me sometimes. A role reversal of what you posted above.  I think everyone has varying needs for closeness and independence and pwBPD seem to have a harder time managing those feelings.

Point taken.  

On one hand : I was speaking in general terms, from the viewpoint of the OP.  Most women are, overall, more socially focused than men, it's just reality.

On the other hand, you're also right, time to remove the stereotypes.  :)arn those habits... .

All the more power to you for being yourself, this world could use some more of that.

Back on topic : I'm having a bit trouble to see his BPD behavior.  I think a BPD would never write a letter with what he has learned about himself, as he would be too careful for revealing any possible weaknesses.  He did blame her for the breakup, but in a non-abusive factual way.  From the details that have been mentioned, he might as well be just a regular guy who feels suffocated and frustrated.  So it would be useful (for me), Mangopanda, if you could explain a bit your view on why he's BPD.

As you've pointed out, you've had abandonment issues, and have smothered him in the past.  The thing is that now that you have that reputation, it will be tough to break away from it : any small sign of getting too close will confirm his impression of your neediness.  It will require complete self-awareness from your side, but also openness about his point of view.  You will have to learn how your man thinks, and act accordingly.

He will have to learn to see your point of view, including the abandonment history, and adapt his behavior accordingly.  

Lots to learn, but only then will you 2 be able to live in harmony.


Jack

I agree with Panda. There are a lot of times my dBPDh wants to be clingy and I'm trying to do my own thing, like reading or playing a game. All of a sudden, because HE wants it, he starts putting his hand in front of my book, walking in front of the tv... .he will even "root" me sometimes by taking his head and forcing me to put it in my lap and rub his head. Seriously. Most of the time I don't mind because I love him, but sometimes I'm content with my own company. It's the highs and lows of BPD.