BPDFamily.com

Hi,

Just wondering. Has anyone been able to stay friends after a break-up?

I'm seeing a T for a few months now. He was seeing one for 2 years and ended that because he couldn't get any further and he's dealing with his life getting worse by the minute.

We spoke over the phone on Saturday (I did that) and I just felt friendship for him. Didn't feel sad. Didn't feel any type of pain or explicit emotion that was hurting me. Just empathy, as I know he has worked his ass of in therapy and this is definitely not something he wants, either.

I think - as long as we don't see each other, I can be friends. I can feel okay going on with my own life, solving my own issues, dating other guys, without feeling obligated to look after him or worry about him. I feel I know him in a certain way that could help him in whatever demons he has left to fight, without getting sucked into it. Without it impeding my own life.

Anyone any similar experiences?

In my experience I wouldn't recommend it.

I tried and it was ok for a few weeks but then I started to hear from her more and more and found myself almost subconsciously found myself going back down a road I really didn't want to be on.

It's very sly how they do it but in my case I couldn't do much to hold it off. A comment here and there, looking into your eyes etc You end up beliving their lies again, and back in fog.

Hi there 

Sort of my situation at the moment, not therapy but medication on the x behalf. There have been 'moments' of rage out of the blue from my x which keep me moving forward in my journey of single life (been three months) but I have been there on the end of the phone during the very depressed stages and also the drunk garbled nonsense which is conveniently 'forgotten' the next day. It's been really hard hearing some of this, but then she is absolutely fine the next week and almost cut-throat "I'm doing fine and don't need you" the next...

We have agreed to remain 'friends' but this was to avoid the severe abandonment issues and served/serves to lovingly detach gently but detach all the same. I am not sure if we can ever be 'friends' in the way I am friends with my 'friends' because they have not psychologically and physically harmed me the way my x has. I certainly would not choose a friend like this!

I know many view our association as a weird outcome/unhealthy, and I am aware that I must 'need' her to some extent... But we lived like room mates for nigh on two years, so living apart without the violence and drama seems perfectly normal in comparison!

I don't know where our association longterm will be, all I know it is suits for now on both sides and I am no longer feeling damaged by her behaviours. Time will tell... .I guess if I met someone new, then that could blow everything out of the water! But as I won't be meeting anyone else for a VERY long time! this shouldn't be an issue in the near future... .

^^these three lines stuck out to me... .so, in other words, you're not really going to be his friend, but instead play the role of pseudo-therapist/confidant via emails and phonecalls? 

at some point, he's not going to 'get any further' with you either

worry about your therapy, not his!

Do you mean you felt indifferent?

You validate that he's doing the hard work in therapy. He's sincere and you have empathy for his efforts.

I don't see a right or wrong here.

It sounds like you're busy with your own life. Perhaps your feelings may change later on and it'll be easier for you if he's around. For now, you can settle with not seeing each other and see how that goes and if it doesn't work, then maybe it's not a good idea to be friends.

It's taken many years, but I'm probably as close to my ex as anyone here. We speak pretty regularly, and even spend time together with our kids on occation (usually at after school events and holidays which I spend with her family). I'll be honest, it's difficult. It's not anything I would even attempt if I didn't have children with her. I'm still not sure I consider us friends, because I can't become that deeply involved with her life. It's just not healthy for anyone involved. I have to remain distant and relatively detached from her. I also had to stop trying to fix/save her. Her problems are her problems. If she falls on her face, I'm not going to be the one to pick her up. That's not exactly what I personally would call a friendship.

So is it possible? Yeah, it's possible. But realistically, I don't think it's likely. And I certainly don't see it coming strait out of the relationship. It literally took me almost dieing, and years of work to get to where me and my ex are now. And like I said, I'm not even sure you can call us friends. I really suggest that before you consider a friendship with your ex, you make sure you deal with all your issues first. Focus on you. Otherwise, you're just leaving yourself open to go through the same exact hurt as before.