BPDFamily.com

It's so frustrating!

I've been working to detach my emotions from my uBPDh of decades, and making some headway. It helps me become detached when he's talking to me in a bullying way still because I don't want to go back to that!

And then today he sends me a photo of an area of the house where he has cleaned up his tools and other stuff WHEN I TRIED TO GET HIM TO DO SO FOR THE LAST 9 OR 10 YEARS. GAAAAAAHHHHHH

I think his goal is for me to see "oh look! He's making a big effort!" That just makes me feel worse of course because I don't think he can do enough stuff to make me come back when he isn't willing to take responsibility for how he's treated me for so long--with no respect or concern.

WHY DO THEY DO THIS STUFF?

If I didn't have so much history and have children and grandchildren with him I think it might be easier to detach... .though I know it's still plenty hard for those who don't share all the years with their pwBPD.

SO PAINFUL!

Stay strong.  |iiii

Stay strong! They do it because they think they can suck us in so that they can go back to their comfort zone.

I am still with mine but am trying to emotionally detach and make an exit plan. Mine has been ramping things up and doing things that are uncharacteristically nice and thoughtful. This morning, he found out that we were out of water so he went and got some BEFORE he left for work. And, he brought me home a cup of hot chocolate. When I got home from work this evening, there were clean towels in the cabinet and another load in the dryer.

While I was at work this evening, I vowed to myself that I would NOT answer any of his emails. I succeeded but braced myself when I got home because I just knew I was going to catch hell for it. He asked if I got them but that was it. No complaining or trying to confront me or be a jerk about it.

It is soo hard for me to not to give up on my resolve to emotionally detach. It is soo hard for me to NOT think "maybe it will be different this time". Since finding this site, I have been able to clearly identify the pattern of me being unhappy and him doing just enough to shut me and get me to relax only to repeat the cycle all over again.

You are way ahead of me Elpis! Keep taking those baby steps and remember that the turtle won the race!  :)

10 year mess.

9 month separation.

1/4 of a 40 year marriage.

Nearly 11 years is ludicrous.

It has to be hard to emotionally detach with kids, grand-kids, and extended family

Delete the photo if you haven't done so.

Thank you all!

Downwhim (cool name by the way!) I am trying... .it's amazingly important for me to remind myself there is a reason he's doing this. Well, at least all his cleaning will make the house easier to sell I guess. And amazingly hard to see him do something that earned me many an uproar from him when I brought up the possibility of doing it while I was living there!

Vortex, this line,
really hits home. My uBPDh may have done that in the more distant past, but the last decade just kept going downhill to where I was just grateful if he left me alone. To my h, the fact that I was unhappy wasn't his problem at all, that was just me not understanding him. My needs got lower and lower on his priorities and everything became more and more my fault.

Also this:
IMPORTANT to remember! It's about them and their comfort zone, not ours. Such a great point.

And yes I shall turtle my way through this! lol

Mutt, I gotta love a logical, mathematical person. Especially since i'm all made of feelings and senses. When you see the details laid out like that, he's a horse I wouldn't bet on!

I hadn't deleted the photo, I wondered if I should. I have to admit to being fascinated, not having seen that part of the floor in a decade.

Slowly I'm beginning to see that I can detach from him without any other relationships being caught up in that--sure, all our lives are effected, holidays will change because it's pretty awkward for me when we're all together. But my relationships with each person are separate things, I just used to try to bring him into those relationships but he never made much of an effort.

I just remembered a time when I was cleaning and organizing in the attic and I came across some of the decorations from a party i'd done for his 50th birthday. So I strung the lights up on the balcony and put up decorations and invited him out there for dinner and wine. He was so excited I had done that, he said something about how much he liked seeing my old self again, which was commentary on the fact that I hadn't been as caretaking of HIM since I had fibromyalgia! From here I see what a selfish take that was on me being ill and struggling to take care of myself, it had taken away from me taking care of HIM! And in the past couple of years I couldn't even talk about fibromyalgia or it would set him off into trying to make me feel guilty!

So one small piece of clean floor cannot a marriage make.

Again, thanks all!

lol Yes, I have to agree. If he were a (https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-QAYchU6tZjg/VH98lDs8ETI/AAAAAAAAHao/jaQxGBdJCjc/w34-h27-no/horse.gif), being logical and mathematical type person, I wouldn't wager my money.  He'd be a long-shot!  

I like your sense of humour Elpis that brought a smile to my face.


Good point  


This is sad. You have fibromyalgia and the pain flares up. It is stressful and difficult when a partner has BPD and even more so when you are in physical pain and it's invalidated by his anger towards you and your pain. It's objectifying the non-disordered partner   This is difficult and makes your daily struggles with him even more challenging and likely makes you feel even smaller. I'm sorry.

Well at least i'm gonna put that all behind me! And without his tantrums and expectations i'd imagine i'm gonna start feeling better too.

:)