BPDFamily.com

Hello, I'm new.

I understand from a bit of reading (here and other sites) that the best thing to do after the decision to leave a relationship is made is to go NC. What do you do if you own a house with your SO?

I have been married for 10 years. I am not in a financial situation where I can simply pack my things and go (I don't drive). I'm isolated. Estranged from family of origin (uBPD/uNPD). I am attempting to bring in some income with a small business, but it will take time to get established. I have issues that make employment difficult (too long to get into and most likely beyond the scope of this site). I am worried about yet another recycle (I don't want another - I didn't want one the last time.), as there have been so many recycles I have lost track. Unfortunately, if I tell my BPDw that the relationship is over, she won't believe me. It is real difficult to communicate with her in general.

My head is foggy (excuse me if my post doesn't make sense) and I'm so tired of all the extreme highs and lows, devaluation, control, and humiliation that come with this relationship. There have been some good times too, but I just can't take the bad times. I've come to the realization that If I stay in this relationship, my health will be gone (it's already going). I can't be a caretaker for her as I have issues of my own and I need to be concerned about me for once in my life. I've been alone before, I'm fine being alone again. I'm not sure how I will get there though.

Any insight is appreciated.

Hi trashbin,

N/C is recommended for people leaving because there is such a strong pull for us to go right back into the mess and recycle with them.  N/C is really for us.  It isn't a rule, but it is best.  I didn't have that option, really, since I share children with my ex and we live in a pretty small town.  But I wish I could have gone N/C.  In fact, I wish I could have left town and never came back and never talked to her again.

If N/C is not logistically possible, then you need to focus on other areas that, honestly, need to be worked on anyway.  Keep things L/C (low contact).  Avoid emotional engagement as much as possible (which is nearly impossible when you share the same house, by the way... .something I know from experience).  One of the big ones is that you need to establish a support system, if you don't already have one.  Find a good Therapist.  That is huge.  Reach out for help, to friends, to a Church, etc.  And make an exit plan... .preferably one that doesn't take 3 years to complete!  Think about what needs to happen in order for you to find a new place to live.  When you talk to your friends, don't just talk about "maybe needing a place to live, temporarily".  Tell them you need to know if they will commit to letting you live with them for at least 6 months, for example.

Do you share children with her?  Could you just leave town?

Hi OutOfEgypt,

Honestly, if I had the ability, I would leave and never look back (It would hurt like hell though. I would feel like crap for having abandoned her, although I really know that I was abandoned first in many ways). I understand that the pull is strong, it's kind of like the way the sun pulls on the planets of the solar system. I agree with you on the NC. I think despite owning a home with her, I will have to just take off, problem is I am not together financially. I'm not sure I ever will be, again due to reasons that are complicated and I really won't get into as that's for a specialist to help me with (I know this well).

I am trying to do low contact, but I think I screwed up today. I know it's hard to keep the emotional distance, but my BPDw tends to emotionally distance naturally (she will be on the computer and or text for hours), so that's probably on my side (as hurtful as the behavior really is, and the funny thing is, I really don't need a lot of attention to start with).

I know I need a support system. So far, this place is it. If you mean outside, it's going to be a tough one for me, but I know it has to be done. I can't go to a therapist - no money currently. I don't have friends. I do know of an outside support group (offline) that I may be able to join.

No on the kids. I can't skip town - no money, no car. My reality.

Thanks for your help and advice.

Wow.  Sorry, that is hard!  Yes, please give that support group a shot.  Are there any mental health services in your town that are available for people who cannot afford it?  That's another reason why I recommended a Church.  Often, they have resources to help people, without cost.