BPDFamily.com

In November of 2012 we had to ask our DS30 to leave because he was smoking cigarettes in his bedroom. Imagine about 60-80 cig burns in his mattress. He couldn't get it thru his head that maybe all of us could perish in a fire. Fast forward to March of 2013 when we let him spend the night on the downstairs couch because he had used up all of his couch surfing options. Because I can't bring myself to send him out on the streets during a New England winter, that one night on the couch turned into 18 months of "living" on our downstairs couch. Keep in mind that our son has a difficult time picking up after himself so that downstairs turned into a disaster area.

The agreement was if we saw one cig butt, he would be gone. He kept that agreement so we painted his old room, bought a cheap mattress and box spring and moved him back in so I was able to get my "downstairs" back. Fast forward to December of 2014... .his Mom goes down to his room while he's at work and finds 4 cig butts on his windowsill along with dishes, food packages, clothing all over the place AND the window is open. She goes absolutely bats**t. She texted him this message, "I noticed cig butts outside of your bedroom window. I also noticed butts in the garage. The agreement was you may not smoke in that room. I think you need to find another place to live." He claimed he had company and he put the butts in his pocket. She's not buying any of it and I can't blame her. She asked him to "clean everything up and told him he had 24 hours with an inspection to follow and then weekly inspections from now on. One more cig butt and he is out of the house for good." I agreed with her.

Because I can formulate my thoughts much better in an e-mail rather than a one on one conversation, I tried to explain, in wise-mind, how WE felt and how we needed him to follow our rules. Here are some direct excerpts from the two e-mails I received from our DS30 this morning... .

"The bottom line is, I appreciate the roof you give me so I don't have to live in the streets. I'd sleep on the floor of the garage andf be fine with it. But the point I'm trying to make is that MOM TREATS ME LIKE A PIECE OF S**T! She puts me down, she's sarcastic, insulting, disrespectful, judgemental, and downright MEAN, when I either make a human mistake OR if someone doesn't agree with her way of thinking OR if someone doesn't take her advice. My final point is... .the truth is I GET IT... .I UNDERSTAND, PROCESS, RESPECT, HONOR everything you're saying and I'll do what I'm told but I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I don't deserve to be disrespected or treated like a subhuman." Here's an excerpt from his 2nd e-mail:



I'm at the drug free version of rock bottom right now, I'm hanging onto living by a thread... .I have to convince myself on a daily basis that it's gonna get better and I'm GOING to get it together , and the past five years of hell hasnt all been for nothing once I'm off methadone, I'm looking for work and fighting the clinic till they start tapering me... .

You KNOW me dude, you know a bit about how my brain works and how I think and feel cuz of my BPD do you REALLY think hearing MY MOTHER say " Your 30 years old and going nowhere anytime soon, if your gonna be staying with us for a while I'm gonna force you to improve  your Yada Yada... .

The point I'm trying to make is... .yes, I get it. I need to keep my room clean (er) and I can't smoke in the room ( which I haven't in almost a year still was treated like I did) ... .even so... .what mom said , and how she acted, was ... .plain... .WRONG.



After reading both of his e-mails to her, she didn't have much to say except, "Why am I always the bad guy?" BPD runs rampant on her side of the family. Her mother certainly has it but it's undiagnosed. The same with her sister and brother, who are both divorced because of it. Yes, she has it too but took measures to learn about it and get help, largely in part because I told her years ago I would need to leave. She even runs a "Family Connections" group in our area.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing her under the bus. 95% of the time, the atmosphere in our home is quiet and peaceful compared to our DS30's high school years before we knew what we were dealing with. Yes, I bring my own issues to the table. I dread confrontation and I'm waaaay to nice. I will do and say things just to keep the peace in the house. At this point I've been toying with the idea of moving out for a month or so and let them figure it out. I guess that would be the coward's way out, but as I write this, I feel helpless and ineffective as a husband and the Dad of a DS30.

You know, I think you are in a difficult situation and anybody here would feel really, really uncomfortable sandwiched in-between two warring family members who both have issues... .

|iiii On a side note - it looks like your son is really working hard on  himself and is very aware of his issues, that is more than half the battle... .


And I think that lots of us can identify with this too... .

In a way, though, you have the best personality to be able to do some validation on both sides of the barricade, that might be enough of a bump for them in the right direction, what do you think?

your story here has hit home for me, the conversations between your wife and son almost mimic my daughters and mine. She always says that I don't treat her like a human, that I am rude and disrespectful of her, and that she is sick of listening to me B**ch all of the time.

My DD is very untidy, she does not clean up after herself or her son, and contributes in way to meal preparation or clean up of dishes. She is 31 years old and I am over 50 with a full time job working over 50 hours a week, so I don't want to come home and clean up after her and her son, and I don't want to look at the mess that has been left for me either, so I either have to bite my tongue and deal with it or brace for the fight if I say something about it.

Reading your post here has made me aware that perhaps my approach is wrong. Maybe I need to find a better way to communicate my needs to my DD. She has said that I make her want to slit her own throat, and the only reason she is still alive today is because of her son. So hearing this story from you, makes me realize that I perhaps contribute to her problem.  This is something for me to work on.

I realize I was absolutely no help to you here, and I'm sorry for that. But if it's any consolation, you were a massive help to me. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you find a peaceful solution.

hi RGG-

I'm so sorry to hear what is going on in your life now that has brought you back to bpdfamily.com.

I echo what PO said to you. Difficult situation, sounds like your son is trying, and that your personality gives your situation some much needed depth and empathy, especially empathy for your son.

Do you agree with your son that your wife


or is he exaggerating to make a point with you?

From what you describe it seems like there is far more peace than discord (95% peace). And it sounds like things came to a head when your wife found out that the important boundary of "no smoking in your room" was infringed upon.

From 60-80 burns on a mattress to no smoking at all is a great accomplishment. If you don't believe your son's story that (from what I can gather from your post- sorry I don't exactly understand the butts in the pocket part- he got the butts from friends who were smoking during a visit and put them in his pocket and then placed them on the windowsill) it looks like he is once again smoking in his room. Having been in a similar situation with my BPDSD23, the discovery of butts most likely means he successfully dealt with butts to cover his digression for awhile before he got comfortable enough that he forgot to dispose of several butts.

I wouldn't want to be in the position of making a boundary and having it transgressed upon, even if years later. Has your wife been regularly inspecting his room? Is this something you do as well? The idea of a fire in my home was very scary to me when my SD was being careless with her smoking materials when she lived with us. Once I found a fire in our rain gutter from her taking off her screen and smoking out of her window and tossing the butts to hopefully clear the gutter.) I used to inspect out of fear, fear for her and fear for my husband and me, fear for our pets, fear of losing our home and our hard worked for possessions. Inspecting never made me feel very good... .l hated the violation of my SDs privacy but I hated more turning a blind eye to the fact that she might be again taking risks with so much just to have her "way", "her comforts" "her easier access" to her bad, self destructive habits.

I know a strong motivation for me in dealing with my SDs out-of-control behavior by inspecting and invading her privacy was to have my suspicions and fears and feelings validated. My husband was an enabler and he made so many excuses for her, believed her when it was so obvious she was lying to us. He always agreed with the invasion of her privacy but he rarely took any effort to do so. I often felt conflict but a drive to do so when I was seeing red flags (or smelling red flags). UGH.

That your wife verbally put down your son is regrettable, considering that this sort of exchange rarely does much for people with BPD other than causing them to put up defenses or to blame others or whatever maladjusted behavior they exercise when put under stress such as this.

How will your wife want to handle things from here? Does she agree with your son's assertions? How do you want to handle things from this point? I know you are considering leaving for a month- how does that look to you? What are alternatives to that decision?

I think it is wonderful that your wife got herself help when you made your boundaries clear to her years ago. That she leads a Family Connections group is also so wonderful!

With my SD, the thing that helped us the most with parenting her was to identify what it was we truly wanted for her and then we searched our hearts and brains to try to figure out what would be the most effective ends to those means. Do you think you and your wife are on the same page as to how best to help your son?

Best wishes for you and your family. Hope you will let us know how things progress.

Thursday

Hi Thursday... .

If you ask my son if she really said all of those horrible things, he will adamantly confirm that's exactly what she said. When I asked my wife, she kind of shrugged it off and told me she said no such thing. My take is that what was actually said is somewhere in the middle meaning that her tone of voice translated into sarcasm, disrespect, judgemental, etc... .

She is usually very respectful when communicating with him but when she saw his room and those butts, she simply "lost it!" and moved immediately into emotion mind. She and I are frustrated and angry that this is our reality for now, and it might have been true that we were throwing our own personal pity party.

Even though we act as a united front, the problem stems from me not agreeing with her methods such as losing her temper. She claims that nothing changes if we just "do nothing" and she's right! More often than not she is right which is soo annoying but it's not my nature to lose my temper. I'm trying to figure out how to be more effective with my son. Here's the kicker... .the following day, he cleaned his room according to "mom standards."

Thank you for your post and I hope you and your family have a manageable holiday season!

RGG

That's awesome!

Do you think some mild validation/appreciation that he upheld his end in spite of feeling put down might make the situation better?

Actually, your post was helpful T, because you validated how I feel in this situation. Are you part of a "Family Connections" group in your area? I found that talking to other parents with the same issues was extremely helpful. Also from time to time, I'll make an appointment with my therapist who is well versed and supportive when it comes to BPD. It's so easy to "see red" when our BPD s/d do "something" that is so obviously inappropriate. My first inclination is to yell but I know that's a strategy that is totally unproductive. My suggestion would be to pause and think about HOW you're going to say WHAT you're going to say before engaging.

I hope you have a "yell free" somewhat normal(whatever that is) holiday.

All The Best

RGG