BPDFamily.com

Hey. I'm am expecting a girl in April with someone who has been diagnosed BPD. Was a very short relationship, amd I was pushed away as she needed to get herself better before having a relationship,which I suppose was honest amd mature of her, yet she fell pregnant. So now One minute she wants to be together she's lovely wants to chat see eachother, then it's just friends, then she goes balistic amd is rude blunt cold with me when I mention the way she acts and makes me feel. Now she will only talk about the baby instead of our problems amd just doesn't care...

More will respond later but I can confirm that long term it may be that, in one aspect, she is right... .it may end up being just about the child.  Yes, you want her better and want to show her how to be better but you can't control that and worse still, she may refuse to listen to you.  Imagine how she sees it, that you're speaking through a tube and all she hears is the distortions of her perceptions.  The emotional connection is too much for her to truly listen, at least not consistently.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships and what is closer than what you two had, however briefly?  Some emotional distance and the passage of time will hopefully reduce the distortions and blaming in her perceptions and moods.

A therapist will be more likely to help her much more than you can, a good therapist will avoid getting emotionally entangled with her.

While you can support her efforts to seek a measure of recovery and improvement, it will likely only be to the extent she allows.

It's very likely you will just have to focus on being a father - hopefully she won't obstruct that or use your child a leverage to abuse or control you - and accept that your relationship with her, if she allows any, will of necessity be secondary.

Hi jstevej,

These are confusing relationships -- have you had a chance to learn about BPD? The more you read, the easier it is to make sense of what often doesn't make sense.

Do you know if she received any treatment, like DBT therapy? Also curious if her family is involved at all in her life, and if so, do you have any relationship with them?

Have you considered that she baited you into the pregnancy?  This is very common with BP's, it is one way of making sure you can't run far.  This is what happened to me, but it was more complex.  I actually think that my BP did not factor in that I would insist on staying after our now S10 was born, I think she felt that she would have the child all to herself and could mold him into her own life long advocate.  This burden is having an adverse impact on my S10 who has significant behavioral issues.  More on this scenario in an article "Blackmailed Into Fatherhood."

I'm just surmising without asking the question, so forgive me if this is inaccurate.  But, my ex, after becoming pregnant, became almost resentful with me, indifferent to my presence, I almost felt as if I shouldn't be with her.  Any type of affection, especially physical was gone.  One of my theories is that her thinking is so twisted nad unreal that she never fully considered the fact that she would have to "share" this child with the father.

BTW, the pregnancy "happened" just short of our fourth month together.  She claimed to be on the pill and "forgot."