BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone.  To summarize, I think I'm dealing with two people in my family (aging mother and sibling) with BPD symptoms, and after many years of dealing with it, I find myself in a pretty significant depression. 

My sibling is not talking to my mother, and my mother keeps asking me what is going on with my sibling.  She has been suffering from depression for years but denies it and denies treatment. 

I'm mentally exhausted and find myself unable to function normally.  I've gained a lot of weight and I'm physically unhealthy too.  I'd like to take care of myself, but not really sure how.

Even if no one is doing any talking, I feel that I am constantly in between.  My family is Asian and so I feel the weight of cultural obligation.  Not to mention my father keeps exhorting me to help the family, but I don't know what I can do.  He keeps telling me that I should be closer to my mother, but (1) she's negative, unpleasant, and it's hard for me to actually like her and (2) I'm resentful because she was never emotionally close to me as my mother, but somehow in her old age I'm suddenly supposed to be her loving confidante.  I wasn't born with much empathy and certainly did not learn anything from my parents, but I guess my dad expects me to have it.

Recently my mother told me she has cancer and will soon be undergoing chemotherapy.  I am dreading the next year, however, it has driven me to try and find some support for the days to come.  My husband and children are feeling the consequences of my depression and I really need to not let them down anymore.

I am looking for some hope and silver linings.  Thanks for reading.

Hello hope and silver linings

You have come here under not so pleasant circumstances but I am glad that you're here though and are reaching out for support. Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult life with issues such as depression and anxiety. I have been there myself and know how hard this can be.

You rightly express a desire to take proper care of yourself. When dealing with BPD relatives in our family of origin we often find ourselves in the situation that all our energy and attention get focused on them and we forget about or neglect ourselves and our own family. Are you being treated for your depression? Are you perhaps in therapy and/or receiving medication?

You also mention your husband and children feeling the effects of your depression. Are they aware of your suspicions about your mother and sibling exhibiting BPD traits? How do your husband and children feel about your mother and sibling?

I don't have a formal depression diagnosis, and no therapy, no medication.  I recently started taking SAM-e, and I think it helps.

My husband is generally aware of my mother's behavior.  He doesn't put a label on it, just thinks it's very negative and destructive.

My children know something is not quite right between myself and their grandmother, but they have a generally good relationship with their grandmother. 

My immediate family feel it mainly as it affects me and my ability to function.

Hi again,

Thanks for answering my questions. I am glad that you feel like the SAM-e is helping. Perhaps you can also benefit from reading some information we have on here about depression:

Article about depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts  (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm)

There are forms of therapy that can help you deal with depression. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is one of them. The basic idea is that you learn to identify negative thoughts and replace or combat them with more positive thoughts. There are also online Programs for CBT, here's some information about one of them:

Free On-Line Cognitive Therapy Program (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a111.htm)

Thank you.  I've been looking around the boards, and it's made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one, and that there are some skills that I can learn that might help me. 

Do you think it is not worth it to try and reason with my uBPD mom?  I have tried for so long, and she doesn't listen, or if she does hear me, it's always reframed into something she uses against me.  For example, I have tried to explain that I feel she's a very negative person, and she says, it's not criticism, it is advice, and you are too Western to understand.