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I am a bit stuck on setting boundaries, can anyone help me here please?

My relationship of 23 years with my BPD partner has only lasted because of my very tolerant nature. I now realise that my passivity has exasserbated his negative behaviours, but I am confused about boundary setting.

The 3 main limits I've tried to set are: No criticism if it's angry.

                                                   No symbolic rages, ie throwing, smashing etc.

                                                   No angry outbursts.

I have 2 problems here. one is that when I set a limit and he breaks it, I will first tell him I will remove myself (go into another room), if he continues. However he often does continue which means that I have to take things a stage further, by telling him calmly that I will leave the house if he continues. This is all said with me being in the 'adult'. But it is impossible to have a life where I keep having to leave my own house, so I find it incredibly difficult to keep my boudaries consistent. How do others deal with this please?

Also, since constant negative critisism is his continual state of mind, is it reasonable to have this as one of my limits? Isn't is like asking a BPD not to be a BPD? Do I need to accept that hes just going to do this because he has BPD?   

Thank you in advance for any light you can throw on this matter.

Hi, moreaware. 

I am a little stuck on enforcing boundaries appropriately too, and just as you are a tolerant person, so am I, and maybe that’s one reason it can be so hard. 

Sometimes I wait it out too long, but when I am really paying attention to the actions and see that he’s about to cross a boundary, I don’t discuss the boundary.   I just quietly leave the room. 

I am finding that just leaving the room is not enough though.   He has ramped  it up a bit and has started making comments like “Goodbye!” and when I’ve left the room to go to our bedroom, he’s said, “Stay out of my room!” in an effort to control where I go.  This morning I didn’t participate in what he was trying to start up, and as I left the room he said, “You don’t have to leave the room.  I’m about to leave.  Run, flowerpath, run!”  So he’s ridiculing me for enforcing a boundary.   The only reason I didn’t leave the house this morning is was that I was in my pajamas.  I guess now I need to always have a coat, shoes, and keys ready to grab.

I know exactly how you feel about having to leave your own house to enforce a boundary.  It’s very inconvenient and seems wrong that a person would have to do that, but that may be what it takes.  It would certainly change a pattern, and clearly state that you won’t stay around to be treated that way. 

These are rules... .they are about the other person.

Boundaries are about you...  

The way you have them... .implies a consequence.

With a boundary... .you just do it... .the other person gets no say in it.

So... he gets angry... .you do... .whatever the boundary is...  

Thoughts?

  moreaware, and welcome!

First off, I want to say that you ARE doing it right, and you just need to stick with it and be firm about it.

Boundary enforcement is by its very nature a HARD thing.

You set your limit.

If behavior is less than the limit, you ignore it / put up with it / etc.

Once behavior crosses the limit, you immediately take action to protect yourself from the behavior.

It isn't particularly mean when you do it. However, there is nothing "nice" about it either.

When you do it this way, you are doing it right.


One tip: warning him that you will remove yourself (from the room or the house) isn't required. All that is required is the action of going away.

I'd suggest saying something like "I won't be spoken to that way." and leave.

When you leave the house, here is an OPTIONAL bonus thing you can do: Say that you will be back in a specific time period, like 20 minutes or 2 hours, or even in the morning or after work tomorrow, depending on the circumstances. If you do this, come back on time, but be prepared to leave again if he's still being abusive. (You didn't promise to come back and be an emotional punching bag. You promised to come back!) This can help because pwBPD tend to have a strong fear of abandonment which is triggered when you leave. If they can trust you to come back when you say you will, it will help reduce this fear.


No, you don't want to live the rest of your life this way. One way or another, you won't have to.

First off, if you are inconsistent on enforcing your boundaries, you are really shooting yourself in the foot. What this gives him is called "intermittent reinforcement", which is the same thing that slot machines do, and humans are wired to be very strongly conditioned by this sort of thing. You keep pulling on the one-armed bandit because it will *sometimes* give you a jackpot.

In addition, be prepared for a major escalation on his part. When you do start enforcing a boundary consistently, the typical reaction is called an extinction burst. There's a video of what a normal person does when they go into an elevator and push the button and nothing happens. They push it again. And again. Then have a little fit where they smack the button a dozen times in quick succession. And finally after a bit of cursing, walk out and take the stairs.

So... .expect to have to live through that. And once you do, he will start to believe your ACTIONS, that you won't accept verbal abuse, etc. from him. It really isn't much fun to yell at somebody after they've left, and doesn't give him the release he's used to getting by taking his crappy emotions out on you.

Once you get your boundary enforcement rock solid, and he realizes that it is that solid, and he cannot get around it, he will stop trying so much. Or will respect to your first level response. In a bit you probably won't need to leave the house anymore, or at least not very often.

You cannot stop him doing any of these. You can only stop yourself being exposed to them. If your consequences have no lasting effect, then you will need to extend the consequences. If you are simply staying away until he calms down, he may even see this way of soothing himself. He erupts, you get annoyed and leave taking his anger with you he calms down. It becomes a pattern of him learning to calm down by getting you to leave.

ie He knows you will leave but be back soon. He may find this convenient. So it becomes a pattern. If it continues then you may need a boundary about not having to keep leaving (which in effect is what is irking you), by staying away.

Before trying to establish any boundaries you need to make sure you are not trying to achieve too much at once. What can you really really not put up with, and what can you let wash for now?

Simply getting used to the idea that boundaries are actually possible, no matter how small, is a huge first step for both of you. Hence one at a time just to get the principle set down and consolidated.