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Need some help to know I am not losing (completely) my sense f self worth. Been 3 weeks since my uBPDw decided I was the bad guy and all was wrong with our relationship because I am a " neglected"' she broke my trust and when I called her out on it everything was twisted back at me ( what a surprise)    so we spoke a week ago and she told me she needed time to think about the relationship and there was nothing specific she needed from me to help her thought process . So over the course of this past week I have been very loving,complimentary,respectful and a bunch of other positive adjectives. So last night she goes to her holiday party through work (no spouses)' I be sure to compliment her on how nice she looked and I asked her to let me know she was okay as the night went on. She never checked in ( a text would have been fine)' came home fairly drunk, which is unusual. I WAITED up for her. I was annoyed with her for not touching base,but that was forgiven when I saw her she needed to get to bed asap. I wake her up for work,offer to drive her in if  she didn't feel well.That was declined,no big deal. This afternoon I call her to see how she was feeling. Got her voicemail. This was 6 hours ago and I know she received the message. I know for certain when I see her I will get the cold shoulder ,painted black attitude.  My question,why in God's name do I feel like garbage. I feel worthless,lost and shamed. I am trying like beck to do things for myself to take care of me for once. However everything I do is just a distraction from thinking of her. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

Hi 4kidz.

We all lose our sense of self-worth and self-confidence when we are subjected to continued complaint, criticism and basically verbal abuse from someone that we love, whether that person is a parent, a spouse, a sibling or a child.

Being positive and giving positives to someone when you feel like they are using you as a punching bag is actually not a healthy response. Okay, I know this is not a surprise, but it actually was a surprise for me when I stopped and reflected what was actually happening in my marriage. Tying my self-worth to the relative success or failure of my SO liking me, at some point, even just tolerating me was/is a sign of my own issues. For me, I had to realize that I needed to start being here for me, and I had to let her succeed or fail on her own and stop pretending to be responsible for it.

What would it have felt like had you not waited up for your wife, or made efforts to get her to bed and back on her feet to work? What would it have felt like if you had done something entirely and only just for yourself while she was at her no spouse party? I am finding exploring these types of options is not only helping me realize that I cannot control my wife's emotional responses to things, I also really don't want to. And it's an uphill battle for me each day to overcome my lifelong habits of rescuing/pacifying/encouraging to feel needed.

I think the only way through what you are feeling is by opening up and being willing to dive in to what you are feeling. It might not be fun, but then again, it will always be the ride of your life.

I hope that some of this is helpful, and please do keep posting. This is a journey, for certain.

 

Your feelings are normal.

As you learn more... .you will understand that there is an "order to the disorder"... .and will be able to figure out what part of the r/s is "about you"... .and therefore... .you should pay attention to and base your feelings on.

You will also get guidance on figuring out what part is not about you... .and so whatever happens in that part... .just let it go... .live your life... .and don't use what is going on in that part of the r/s... .to figure out how you feel about things.

*welcome* *welcome* *welcome*

Lot's of new info here for you... .but you can do this.  We are here to help.

Thank you for the advice/responses. I am truly trying to work on myself. I hAve come to realize that at 50 years old I do not know how to do that... .won't make me stop trying. Actually spoke to my UBPDW earlier and along with the blaming for all my faults and how I am to blame for so much she do repeatedly tell me to work on myself. Anybody have any advice to someone who has never done it before?

Step 1... .learn how to gracefully deflect blame and get out of the road of it. 

Step 2... .find a local therapist.  Don't stress out about finding the "perfect".  You may go to a couple before you find the right fit.  This T is about you... .don't look for one to help your wife.

Step 3... read the lessons about finding "inner strength"  Post your thoughts here.

Hi 4kidz.

I am 49, so I am right there with you in the don't know how to give self-care and right my own ship. But go easy on yourself. I can't recall how long you have been married, but being in a relationship with someone suffering with a mental illness is not easy.

One of the positive things that I did for myself was, as formflier notes, to start seeing a therapist for myself. Eventually, this therapist became a marriage counselor for my wife and me. And with some coaxing from this community, I found another therapist just for me.

A second thing that I would encourage you to do is to see if there is a local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) near you (if you live in North America). They hold family support group meetings, typically every other week. Having a safe and understanding place to tell your story and receive support is absolutely essential. And you soon realize that you are not alone in your struggles.

Another thing that helped me to start looking at my own feelings and needs was working through (well, almost through) Randi Kreger's "Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook". The exercises, if you take the time to really do them (and you are worth taking the time), helped me to identify what I wanted and had hoped for in this relationship a long time ago and how much I had given up on for myself.

Lastly, when we first realize that we are emotionally involved with someone who has a mental illness, there are some pretty standard phases of emotional response. I have posted these previously, but will do so again, because they really do show that what you are going through is NORMAL and okay. You didn't ask for your wife to have this illness, nor did she, but it's here and you have to decipher for yourself how you want to proceed, not only in her best interest but for your own as well. Anyway, here's the phases of response, and while we progress through these, it's not uncommon to bounce around and find yourself back in Phase I after having left it for a while.

STAGES OF EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

I.

DEALING WITH CATASTROPHIC EVENTS

Crisis/Chaos/Shock; Denial “normalizing”; Hoping Against Hope

NEEDS: *Support *Comfort *Empathy for confusion *Help finding resources *Crisis intervention *Prognosis *Empathy for pain

II.

LEARNING TO COPE

Anger/Guilt/Resentment; Recognition; Grief

NEEDS: *Vent feelings *Keep hope *Education *Self-care *Networking *Skill training *Letting go *Co-operation from System

III.

MOVING INTO ADVOCACY

Understanding; Acceptance; Advocacy/Action

NEEDS: *Activism *Restoring balance in life, *Responsiveness from System

thank you. FYI-I am married 9 years , been with her for 14. She is so worth the effort,patience etc. However as we all know the roller coaster ride is gut wrenching. Right now the coaster is heading in the wrong direction. I constantly find my mindset in such a negative place. Very difficult to remain hopeful. But I will! I appreciate the info on NAMI I really think that would be helpful ( if ones available). Anticipate a very difficult week no less holiday season... Please give me the strength to stay the course and love and support my wife... .

4kidz,

You've come to the right place. There is much to do and learn and it definitely feels overwhelming in the beginning. 

One step at a time, one day at a time,  it will get better.

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