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How many of you see friends/clients/family about once per year?  Well, at this time last year, I was with exbfBPD at the obligatory holiday parties, who was "the most charming, nicest, attractive young man in the room"?

I suppose if you see them only once per year, pwBPD can hold it together pretty well and make a darn nice first impression.

I have found myself dreading these parties--I dread pulling out the Christmas decorations that he brought into the house last year; I'm hanging the lights that he hung at this time last year.  It seems that every corner I turn, it is filled with memories of exbfBPD.

I can't help but think, "How does he deal with these memories?"  We (my family and friends) took him in when he had no friends and no family of his own, after he had spent three (3) years in federal prison: an event that annihilated his own family and friends--something those people at the holiday parties never knew, until they Google his name.

So, tonight I attended the third party of the season, and everyone asks about that nice young man who attended with me last year--we seemed so happy--he was so nice looking, and we looked so nice together.  I've even had people go as far as asking me, "What did you do?" As if I had done something so terrible to this "nice young man," who abandoned me and left me with his debt.

It's like breaking NC by proxy--it's like he's everywhere, but he's not.  It's like a ghost is following me around.

And I can't help but imagine what he must be going through. 

This is hard.

Yes, it is hard; for me it was the 4th of July, only because the last one together was very significant for us emotionally, but the holiday season always brings up emotions and includes people we don't see all the time, it just amplifies where we're at.

So the way I dealt with it is to make it through the first one, best I could, and then following years the connection had been broken, she was more ancient history.  Instead of taking him with you as a ghost, try and enjoy the experiences as a purging, and holiday season spent without him, a necessary step towards awesome holidays to come, just a focus shift, a looking forward instead of back, which takes effort but it's effort in the right direction.

Thank you, Fromheeltoheal:  wise words... .I think I need to shift a lot of my thinking.  It continues to feel like a death; hence the references to ghosts.  I play another game in my head; it's like trying to break a "spell"--if I can just face all of those people and places and experiences we shared together; the spell will be broken.  At least I'm hoping the pain will lessen.

Thank you.

For me it's worse than a death because their still alive