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  Everyone.

I started T 5 weeks ago and I wanted to find out more about ''controlling behavior''.What I discovered in T is I am a caretaker,i need to be needed and I am a rescuer.I found out I am a very good man and hold wonderful qualities.

The issue is it is self defeating to find ''broken'' woman and bring them home and try to repair or fix there life.It is kinda like the broken wing syndrome.I will find a wounded bird and bring the bird home.Once you loved it and cared for the broken wing,IT FLYS AWAY and you are left abandoned wondering why.?

My T said I am a very honorable man for being a decent person .But one thing is that people like me have the dreaded ''control issues''.

My EXBPD whom I love very much and cared for did mention that I was ''controlling''.Does anyone have any insight to this behavior I seem to have and ways to work on being less controlling.?

Thanks NYMIKE

Yes NYMike. A lesson that borderline personality disorder taught me is that everyone is different. Some people are simply wired differently and communicate differently.

I had an expectation that people were to understand me and not the other way around. A lesson that BPD taught me is that we have 2 ears and one mouth. We should use our ears more. She was trying to tell me something.

Yes, my exes emotions were two thousand fold compared to mine because she's wired differently.

I had to be more malleable, flexible.

Feelings = facts.

For several years my ex told me I was controlling. I wanted my voice to be heard and I wasn't listening. If she's being angry and stubborn well I'll come back harder. I was blaming her and told her for several years she's the problem.

I wasn't listening. It took a difficult personality disorder to tell me I'm co-dependent.

I'm glad you've found a good T and are working on learning about yourself. That takes a lot of strength. It's hard work, but it's worth it.  |iiii



What behavior on your part do you feel is controlling?

Like Mutt said, often pwBPD accuse their partners of being controlling when really it's just that their impulsive needs are being denied. I would put less stock into what your ex says about it than about how you feel.

The way to work on any issue is to understand the underlying cause. Often a rescuer/fixer mentality is related to control issues. Think about it... .when we go into "rescuer" mode with someone, what we are basically saying is that we know better than that person. We have put ourselves in a superior position, with the intent of someone else being dependent on us for guidance. Isn't this in itself a form of control?

If you think this might help explain your behavior, then it shows you where you need to focus -- which is where you sound like you already are -- on this role you have adopted for yourself as caretaker/rescuer to girls with broken wings.

You are a caring, empathetic, loving person. Now is the time to take care of yourself... .build on your strengths... .look realistically at your weaknesses... .and above all, be kind to yourself.  

I'd like to add.

Don't rescue

Work on boundaries.

As HappyNihilist says own your emphatic, caring and loving nature.

Let go of control.

Accept that there are things we can't control and flow with it instead of against it.

Life is full of imperfections and when we try to control this it causes much anxiety, hurt and pain.

Just let it be  *)

--Mutt

The problem with being a rescuer as stated is that we take control of a situation or try to avoid them happening by controlling events.

This in itself is perfectly normal the problem comes when we are fed the mixed messages a pwBPD gives out. They want to be rescued and have someone do everything for them but they dont want to be engulfed. One minute they need us looking out for them the next they want their independance. If we back off we are abandoning them. If we take charge we engulf them.

It is a no win situation as uou are also expected to be a mind reader as saying if you want my help just ask makes them feel as if you dont notice their needs.

Hi NYMike,

Getting rid of the shoulds and woulds has helped me to be less controlling-- the expectation(s) of another's actions being based on what I did and what they should do, or would do, if only... .

Realizing that we can only control ourselves and how hard that can be at times!

The problems with rescuing behaviors are many.

Adults cannot be rescued.  Children and small animals can be rescued.  Adults need support to become independent and truly grown-up.  Rescuing tends to foser dependency, which is not healthy or rewarding for adults.

Read the article on the Drama Triangle.  You should be able to find it with a quick search.

Yes, rescuing involves control.  It involves trying to exert control of others (even if with good intentions).  The rescued adult will accept it for a short time, even beg for it, then they will resent your continued rescue efforts  b/c people do not like one-up/one-down arrangements.  If you rescue, you are putting yourself in a one-up position with another adult.  You expect the person to get better based on your rescuing efforts, and to love you and feel grateful for all your rescuing efforts.   That almost never happens.   These relationships are always unstable b/c the arrangement is unstable and involves dependence (and if the person you are rescuing has BPD their moods will be unstable, too.)

Classic example.

Becoming involved with a person who has serious mental health or addiction issues and trying to 'fix' them b/c you love them so much.  As mentioned above, that 'fixing' behavior almost always devolves into controlling behavior as the rescuer becomes frantic to prevent the unwanted behavior of another person and to foster dependency and symbiosis.  The focus is on the other person as wounded, when the focus really needs to be on controlling your own behavior and your own life, not someone elses.  Both of you need to grow, not stay merged via rescue fantasies.

If we feel healthy enough to "rescue" people, why not find another similarly healthy partner and join forces to help others in a practical way rather than get mired in no-win rescue behaviors that involve dependency?   These are different ways to think about rescuing and it's impact.

I know a married couple that travel to Africa 1x a year to help build schools and infastructure for children in that community.  This is functional, time limited support and they can do that kind of thing together b/c they have a functional and healthy adult working relationship together that affords them the time and resources to channel their helping instincts into something tangible and sustainable.  Rather than spending time and energy into fixing another person so that they will stay with us or love us, we can channel the well intentioned desire to assist others in ways that are supportive, that does not breed resentment and dependency, and is collaborative and sustainable.  But it takes working on ourselves to do that, rather than fixing others.

The only thing we have control over is ourself.

I like the support your therapist is giving you.  You are a good person.  Make the most of it.

|iiii

Hi NYMike, I'm perfidy, I specialize in insight. I'm very plain and simple. Straight to the point. We as human beings are infinite and eternal. Dare you control anybody? Is it possible to controll your own mind and body, let alone anybody else? It's hard enough to control ourselves and impossible to control another. Our very nature is lack of control, and that is what makes us unhappy. We have no power over anybody, not even our selves. How can you control something that is infinite?