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I am trying my best to stay NC with my mother. Yesterday, I got a text that said "call me at home". I have her number blocked so she cannot call me. I was just starting to get some peace and BAM ... Here she starts again! I didn't call her so I have no idea what she wanted to say. Ok, so last night I had a horrible, horrible dream. My mother and stepdad were saying mean things to me. Things they have said in my younger years. Such as... You're worthless, you should have been aborted, I hate you, you're so stupid, you make everyone miserable, do us all a favour and just disappear plus much, much more. They also have said... Don't you wish you were as beautiful as Morgan? Morgan is my step sister. We have different fathers. But, when I woke up from this crying dream, I was crying in real life. Not just crying lightly either. I was absolutely hysterical. They have turned my 17 & 18 year old siblings against me. They have texted me before telling me how awful I am and that they will beat me to death if they ever see me again. I also feel so much guilt because I am keeping my three young children out of their lives. My reason for doing this is because the last time my mother went into rage, she told my 4 & 6 year olds that I am a b___ and that my children's stepfather is using me for pu$$y. I'm sorry to put that on here but I wanted you guys to know my reasons. My mother also makes a difference in my kids. My 4 year old precious daughter even asks why they don't love her? There are so much more that I could share but I think this is good for now.

So, my questions are 1. Have you ever woke up and actually been crying in real life? What does this mean?

2. Am I wrong for keeping my young children away from her? I feel as though I need to protect them and I do not want her damaging my children the way that she has me.

Please reply! Sorry so long.

Thank you!

Brittanyd14 So sorry to hear about your awfull experinces. I have also been NC for a year from my BPD  mom. So in answer to your question about the kids, legaly speeking I can't comment on someone else's position. But in the case of my kids, it isn't good for them to see the dyfunctional behavior you describe. They should not be seeing adults dissrespecting their parents, or showing no repspect. It's only natural for you to put your kids first, but if your BPD is anything like mine, she'll do her best to use F.O.G. and have you believe her rights come above all others. My BPD use to excuse bad behavior by saying "Because I'm your Mother. I have a right." No one has a right to abuse anyone - a real mother wouldn't do that. So I expect you know what's best for your kids better than those still in the F.O.G.  |iiii

As for waking up crying, this may sound odd but I havn't cried since I was 10, the first time I ran away from home. But I hear it can be good therapy. Wish I could cry. There are ":)ream Therapists" out there, and I've seen books. They do say we dream about what we feel we need to remember. Maybe you just need remember why you're NC ?  |iiii  

Hi, Brittanyd14!  *welcome*

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult it is just to keep your healthy boundaries in place. I think all of us around here know what that feels like... .I can only think of very rude phrases to describe it, myself.  :)

But in answer to your questions -

1. I haven't actually been physically crying when waking up, but I HAVE had many difficult/awful dreams about my own uBPDmom and uBPDmil. Sometimes I awoke nauseated or shaking from them. I hate having that kind of dream, and in fact am getting some professional counseling to begin to address the issue. So far I have chosen to see it as my subconscious working out things that I don't want to think about when I'm awake, and hoping that it's actually speeding my healing process. The good thing is that in some of these dreams, I'm able to defend myself, where in real life I didn't or wasn't able to. I wish all the dreams were that way, or that, better yet, the dreams would just go away, but here's hoping they're doing my mind and heart some good in some way. Even though it usually feels the opposite.

2. You are a HERO for keeping your children away from that kind of volatility and abuse. Seriously. You really are. Even if they grow up not really understanding it, even if they resent you for doing so; when they are adults, they can figure out their own stance on things, and their ability to do so healthfully will be hugely impacted by the fact that you gave them the best shot at growing up without the toxic wounds your mother continuously inflicts.

Hang in there! 

Let me start by saying that I am so sorry - I completely sympathize with you. For a period of time, I had to keep my children away from my mother - though my situation is not quite as extreme as yours. Therefore let me also say based on what you have said about the way your children are treated by your mother, you are COMPLETELY in the right to keep them away from her, as the long term effects of such abuse can be devastating indeed (as you well know).

I have woken up crying from dreams (though for different reasons) and from what I have gathered, it is your subconscious (which is more awake when you're sleeping) telling you what your innermost feelings are. It's more than natural to feel wounded when your own mother viciously attacks you that way.

Also, NEVER second guess your mother instincts - they're telling you to keep your kids safe from your mother, and it's better to heed them. I know that NC is hard - the guilt is not to be believed - but you can do it.

If you're not seeing a T, it would probably be a good idea - especially if you are having a hard time dealing with the FOG cycle. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Shadowcat

Thank you all for your advice and/or uplifting words. This morning, my stepfather called me and said that my mom wanted him to call me. She was wanting to know if she could see my children for Christmas. I calmy replied no and I explained my feelings to him. He takes her side. He says that she worries about me and the kids. I told him she has a very weird way of showing her worries and that I am completely done with her. So, now my mom is going to go through my ex-husband (their father) to try to see the kids. I talked with him about this and he assured me that this would not happen. He has seen her rages and knows how dangerous she can be. I trust him fully as I know he would never put our children in danger. But... Is there a possibility that she can go through court and get visitations with my children. Myself and the children's father are against it. We also have several family members to serve as witnesses of the things she has done to me and the few things she has done to my children. What do you guys think?

Good for you. Sounds like you're doing the right thing.   |iiii RE: your legal question, this will depend on your country. Quiet often charities (such as Mind) have free legal lines. But if your mom has never been your children’s main carer, why would her rights take preference over your rights ?  :)  BPD are great saber rattlers.

I am so sorry, this sounds like my mom - I don't have kids(yet) but I could easily see her saying that sort of thing. Ugh, and then to have your stepdad join in. I can relate to the crude comments about only wanting you for pu$$y too - it's interesting, I never had a sex talk or anything from my parents. My mom was utterly uncomfortable when anything about me and romantic relationships/sex came up, but if she is raging she will say the grossest things, I think in trying to 'shock' me or in some cases my grandma was also present. Ugh.

I would keep my children away from her too, so I think you are absolutely making a good decision. Her behavior is toxic to your children and I would also want to protect them from that.

Anyway, I am not NC with my mom but I have had a couple of dreams where I have been crying in the dream and woke up crying. Recent dreams but I can't remember the dreams at all. I have been going through a lot though because I only started therapy 1.5 years ago and I have been crying more in general. So maybe it is related to something that you've either talked about in therapy or something that came up to dredge up bad memories?

I also have had night terrors and used to have them at her house. I sprained my foot and broke some toes during one when I JUMPED out of bed. Another I jumped up and went running off the end of the bed, tripping over the headboard.