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Well as most of you will be aware ive been posting my stories and events on here for only a few short weeks and can safley say I think this may be my last post .

No more than an hour ago had the final big argument withe my ex BPD gf that has compleaty made my mind up that I am no longer in love with her .she has pushed way beyond far this time . Let's put it this way I engulfd her with all her blame guilt you name it in she had it !

I got fed up with her crap she had been texting me over the last week or so ! I kept saying YOU caused us to break up YOU done this to yourself to the point she backed down on the phone I told her a few home truths about her self and she DIDNT like it .i was fed up with her telling me how fantastic my replacment is that he doesn't get angry at me or shout at me bla bla the guy has known her one month ! 6 months in he will be shouting trust me ! She even said all of her exes have ended up shouting at her but this guy is different she is deluded ! I needed to get those things off my chest to her she emotionly destroyed me start to finish now it was my turn ! I don't even feel bad right at this moment in time in fact I feel so much better I was fed up of her b/s her lies . She has blocked my number ! But not thru me texting her and pestering her ! Blocked because she can't handle the truth ! I hope she falls into massive depression after this she deserves it she cruel she is a lier and destroys everything in her way and will hurt and break anyone to get what she wants I hope what I said really hits home she does not deserve to be happy she rotten to her hollow core !

I think it's safe to say I will never hear from her again if I do it will be to soon .

Hi Splitblack4good,

She has the other guy on a pedestal right now in her fantasy - the honeymoon phase. I agree, he will get knocked off that pedestal.

Do you see the context of her black and white thinking?

Your a bad guy. All the exes are bad guys with no in-between - no grey area. People and life is somewhere in the middle.

Your angry. She's pushing buttons and it really hurts to hear this stuff about the other person. It's invalidating to our emotional needs.

Never say never. She'll likely text or contact you again. Have you considered blocking her and going no contact to detach and heal the wounds?

Hi mutt tbh I'm not angry I didnt even shout at her but I told her truths she has been hiding for years in a calm but menacing way I wanted to hurt her deep hurt her verbally to the point she collapsed none of what I said was lies she ruined this relaitionship and she knows it she even told me I abandoned her because I made no effort with her ! Please ! I unwound her double standards on her to the point she couldn't twist them back on me she was stuttering ! 1 min she was planning our wedding next she cut the throat of our relaitionship I wasn't prepared to feel her guilt on me anymore . As far as hearing from her mutt I truly beleive I wont.

Anger has many forms. You wanted to hurt her deeply and trying to have your voice heard. I've been through this MANY times.

I was trying to convince the mentally ill 

She's invalidating you. Your voice is not being heard.

You loved her. You were planning a wedding. That has to hurt deep.

I'm hoping she heard some of it she called me a nasty peice of s**t so something must of sunk in ! Why do you think she blocked my number then mutt ? Do you think she was engulfed ?

Its understandable you are angry and its okay to release your feelings when being devalued this way.  There's an urge to want to give that same pain back, to let them " feel" the harm they are causing   Unfortunately these " conversations "  are not heard in the way we intend.  You begin to see the emotional age they are stunted at in reaction and they can then  dysregulate, rather than reflect and correct.

Do you want to hear from her again? As Mutt points out, this is a true example of the black and white thinking. And triangulation.  And devaluation.

There's little room for mature interaction and responsibility when we are expected to not have feelings of our own.

Tbh I'm not sure if I want to hear from her again I loved her she never loved me full stop because of the disorder she has always said I made no effort with her but most of it was I working long hours to pay for Xmas and our wedding etc she is blaming me for Xmas being screwed up and she is skint how do they not see ther part of the blame ? That will always play on my mind . I know how it works with black and white thinking . When she was saying how wonderful the new guy is I reminded her she said those things about me at the start . She just dismissed it or changed the subject to avoid it .

Tbh guys I'm just so frustraighted it's hard not to be BPD it's like all the things that should matter and all the good things you do they just don't see it or don't remember it and then don't want to be with you over something like not spending to time with them due to working .

It's OK to be frustrated and angry at her!

Splitblack4good work through this anger.

What will help is set a goal. A goal to accept that she's mentally ill. She's mentally ill and whatever feelings I tell her because of her actions won't register with her.

I had to tell myself 3x a day because I was in denial that a person I loved is really mentally ill until it finally sunk in. My wife has borderline personality disorder.

I kept wanting my voice heard because she caused incredible pain.

I had to end this suffering by going no contact and detach.

I know mutt I'm round a mutuel freinds house as I write this and who just walked in with the replacement ! She didn't even look at me ! It's also the mirroring they do she was sort of dressed like him ! It's a lot to take in I am hurt im not gona lie . Do any of you ever think is she gona change for him the new guy ? Is it gona last between them ? After just seeing her it feels like I don't know her is that strange ? The women that just over a month ago was in my arms looking at me telling me how fantastic I am and can't wait to marry then be blanked the next and been seem with my replacment

Splitblack4good.

You just told my story !

A week ago , I had  said enough is enough and started emailing her all sort of BPD articles she  is very aware of her illness, but  not from this site are you kidding !

Texted her all my anger and the truth about her , she hated it , and told me I am the crazy she doesn't not need me and she said you want me to need you . the new guy is like heaven , even told her you're not in love you are in Need you will see and I wish you a heartbreak . she really saw that one but she claimed don't bother I am deleting them as they come without reading.

HOW F Ugly can you be miss FU ?

That has put me in NC... .Anger out NC in .

If she ever text again because deep down I know how f weak she is I won't answer . Please help me god get that satisfaction . I still struggle !

Man it's so freaking hard to love a f BPD .

We are in the same boat .

My wife changed a lot physically and I didn't recognize her as I knew her. Her personality was different and is more like the personality of the replacement. He's milquetoast. She had also returned to her emotional baseline and it was tough seeing her happy she I wasn't.

She's not going to change for this guy. It is a serious mental illness.

That has to sting. Is this a freak occurrence? I'd keep distance with both.

The thing is she goes thru freinds the same way . What really does get me with them is at the time they are with the replacement they are so confidant and eager to rub your nose in it but then when it does go wrong and they do want to come back how do they not expect to be told I told you so ! Or surly they wouldn't hide the Shame . If I done that to one of my exes Thers no way is even entertain the thought of goin back the embarrassment would be to much .

I'm so glad you just said that mutt about your ex wife even talking like him that's exactly like she's doin acting like him her attitude is a lot worse (replacment attitude is bad ) so what your saying is mutt the illness will come to the surface eventually ? It did with me 3 months in she started saying a few thing that were strange then started having a go at me over silly things then before you know it conffused and arguing all the time . I really do hope it doesn't work between them as the new guy is no good (drug dealer ) nasty bit of work but loves drama so maybe it might work

Like you, i often times find myself pointing out all of the BPDx's past transgressions when she pushes my buttons, i know i shouldn't and most of the time i don't but were' all human and sometimes i just can't help myself. During one an argument a few weeks ago she sent me some thing about how people that are depressed "refused to let go of the past" and blah blah blah so she went on to say that i'm depressed . I tell her that what she did to me wasn't just a minor transgression. This woman ruined my life. She forced fatherhood on me and after i gave that a chance to work she had me arrested 4 times and cheated on me with 10-20 guys. Yeah that kind of stuff stays with you for life.

I try to be sympathetic as it's very clear that she has this disorder but i won't lie, i am sitting back with a smile on my face patiently awaiting news of the next disaster she gets herself into. In that regard she has not dissapointed thus far and i've got my popcorn ready :)

THEY are Not happy they never been happy with all the exes they will never be happy ever they are sick if they admit and love for real and accept our sincere help they might have a chance but they blew it and I know they know that shame regrets , guilt when alone there is no way they don't think of us anymore No way . good or bad we wre the best they ever had that's why they left .

The only change she will do for him is the same change she did for you I believe, she will change from a needy love Bomber to a hateful devaluing discarder!  If she is anything like my ex she will be trying to contact you the whole time and it is up to you whether or not to read the messages or completely block her,  she will creep on your social media if you have any and will work to new avenues to try and send you hateful messages. Taunting about your replacement is hateful! Bye X only told me in a message that she thinks she may have found somebody that will love her, so I said good for you and I blocked all of her avenues. I did that so I do not have two put up with her sending me pictures in the future of them together which will only be short lived anyway. So will she change for him?  My guess is yes and the change will probably become more rapid and intensifying as the months go on

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Author: Roger Melton M.A. M.F.T. CEAP

Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor their appearance or actions to please others, a failed relationship often presents with a characteristic pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I was angry and confused when I got to bpdfamily. I was triangulated with the replacement.

I read the article above MANY times to make sense of 7 years.

The pattern doesn't change because of another person. It's ingrained in their personality. The pattern we went through is the pattern the next person and so forth goes through with variable lengths in time when the other "personality" is triggered and comes out.


I can't recall how many times I read that article after being abandoned. I hope it helps.

I don't know if she will try to contact me while with the new guy the only been together a month . Before she blocked my number today she having some kind of contact with me regarding the sky tv we had at the house . But after today I do think she will try later ? (Maybe after ther first argument) or maybe when she does start to devalue him a year or 3 down the line who knows how long it will last a few mutuel freinds Arnt confidant it will but others are saying she really is happy ! But then they said that about her when she was with me at first .

Im sorry for this experience. Its very hurtful and when I saw my ex in that very situation, so soon after up and walking away from me after saying the same you've heard, w the replacement acting like a totally different person than I knew.  Mirroring  so deeply that he didnt even appear to see me... .only her.  Taking differently. Walking differently. That luring engaging full smile.  That was one very defining moment in my detaching.  I could no longer question the ifs or whys. 

Do you understand that you are seeing the disorder, quite literally?

Yes very much so the first thing I said to our mutuel freind is that her walk had changed ! Her voice and her hair  everything ! She is white the new group of freinds and my replacement are black just to make it more interesting !

I'm kinda wondering aswell will the replacement see and witness the loud child like crying and the endless phone calls and texts with her crying like a child or her very stressfull states taping her head as she's hearing faint voices telling them to shut up ? Falling down onto her knees in such a dramatic way when you threaten to leave .

I witnessed all her BPD moods and actions they can be strange when you first witness them I coped with these well I feel but if the new guy sees them he may run a mile thinking crazy !

It hurts as ive seen everything with this women but will she do this with her new partner will the traits and stressful episodes come out ?

She has been with this guy for a month and you both are still in contact. It may be negative attention but the keyword is attention.  Attention is what they crave and she still has yours. How many Of her other exes was she in contact with in the beginning of your relationship with her? Did you even think to look for this while you were being Love bombed?  She is disordered not stupid, this is not her first go round and she is expecting this guy to figure her out And leave as well, they only know that relationships have a beginning and a end. because she is not stupid I believe she knows that you really love her,  but what good is that after you learn about this disorder and find out that is the very thing they fear the most and need to run away from? So as long as you still have even negative contact with her you are going to still be a safety net, actually in a way you will be a enabler of her problem. A safety net for need. This is the way I am looking at it in my situation and I am still hurting very much as well, I loved mine with all of my heart and gave her everything I had, I now have taken the" if you love something set it free "adage as my approach to my situation, only I am not making it easy if she wants to try and come back which she probably will not, but if she does she's going to have a lot of work to do in order to do that and even if I got weak and entertained the idea at any point in the future it is not going to go the way she thinks!  I would never jump right back in and just try loving her ever again because it does not work! Never will without years of proper therapy, and that would be my only offer.  Realising myself worth  I now will accept nothing less than success and in order for her and I to succeed she has a lot of work to do on Herself, this being a 90-10 relationship with me doing all of the work, it is her turn to do some work alright will just find somebody that I can work with.  number of days may increase or get shorter from time to time but she is never going to stop contacting you. Not if you were good to her,  she may tell you that you were not and she may make you believe that she thinks that you were not but remember,  she is disordered not stupid!

That realy has helped thanks . I know she was I contact or maybe still with her ex when we first met . But she cut him out of her life the first week we were together I should of spotted the red flags a month or so into seeing each other but you go with it ! . I'm not sure tbh if I will here from her again she never has blocked me up until today . If she wants contact then she will have to unblock me . I think she done this as I was verbally engulfing Her on her fears blame and shame and couldn't cope with the truth of it all . What hurts the most is what she said today that was her new bf doesnt shout at me or scream out of frustration or throw things like you . Your not the person I knew 5 years ago ! . That hurt bad because it was only 2 months befor the split I got angry like that out of sheer frustration with her no win antics and neediness and pointless arguing ! It's not in my nature atall to be abusive or throw things (I never threw things at her ) but she only remembers the things like that come to think of it why do BPD always remember the last parts or a r/s ? Not all the good times you had and shared ? . So will I hear from her ? Was I good to her ? I know I was but she thinks not I would say based on her past she will stay with replacement till she finds another and not come back to me even if it's temp .

I've just rememberd saying to her in the middle of the argument I was going to block her ! Then she hung up sent me a text saying IM BLOCKING YOU she beat me to it lol

Splitblack4good detach. You don't need to tell her your blocking her. Just block her your still attached.

A goal can be indifference to her emotional immaturity and behaviors. De-personalize the behaviors.

Emotional attachment to her behaviors and words is suffering.

Create boundaries and tell her she's not to call or text and block her on social media. Or simply block her and not tell her. Don't explain or justify why and defend your boundaries.

Fear of abandonment. Real or perceived,  When they think you are going to leave they have to leave you first!  You said you were going to block her so she blocked you first!  You are trying to settle adult matters with a three-year-old.  My ex used to block my phone number during any argument at all, this is the equivalent of A three-year-old not getting their way and running to their room and slamming the door shut!  But they are going to Open the door again to see if mummy and daddy are still there! It is a childish game because the three-year-old slammed the door shut but is still in the house and is going to come right back out of their room as soon as they NEED something! I want somebody to love me back not just need me for something.  If she loved you back she would have gotten treatment instead of a new boyfriend. So look at it this way? Her blocking you is a childish game of slamming the door! YOU on the other hand having a adult mind when you block her it is the adult saying to the child go to your room and do not come out until you are done being bad!  Don't play the childish game and keep opening and closing the door, she is going to keep contacting you! To be safe I would say less than a week, in reality I would say within the next 48 hours at best! If she does contact you be the parent, The adult! Put her in her room and do not let her out unless she is done being bad! -block her.  Let her know you mean business. Either be good for my life or get out of my life.  She will not stop hurting or bothering you as long as you keep allowing her to.  It is the nature of the disorder. I know it sucks and I totally relate to what you are going through and feel the same way but it is the only way, The reality is that with out years of intense therapy and commitment to it nobody will ever be able to tolerate them so why should you?

Great analogy Targeted!

My ex brought out to worst in me. What BPD taught me about conlict:


Sometimes its good to try something different Splitblack4good because the way your doing it now everyone loses.

Thank you mutt!

I played this game too many times and nothing changed, this becomes a childish relationship on both sides because you feed into it for different reasons,  someone has to  do  the right thing as a adult!  Even if it hurts!

There is great strength in silence!

Peace too!

Targeted, this is very solid feedback. As Skip has said here on this board.  Something has to change.  This is exactly what I ultimately did. Put up every boundary and blocked every means of communication.  Not for a reaction from my ex. 

For me. To echo your words: If you are not good for my life, get out of my life.

And this final act was indeed the push I needed to get to full detachment and freedom. 

Thanks guys you are being really helpfull and it's amazing how much that I am learning about this disorder and some things they do are so unreal its mind blowing.

It's funny about what you were just saying that contact is possible from her again withon 48hours she has just this second text me ! Saying hi sorry I ignored you round Paul's today (that's out mutual freind ) now I wasn't expecting that and your right any contact is contact from Her ! I have not replied.

I already know my fate. she will try to make contact again. she recycles. im the first new guy in years. she goes back to old guys when things fall apart. she is back with one of them now, the narcissistic ex. they cannot go a month without fighting. i am the guy that her family wanted her with. her daughter loves me, and her mom cried because it ended. i have heard from both that i was the best that she has had and that no man, not even the daughters dad, treated her like i did.

her mom is worried about what will happen to her when she stops splitting and realizes what she has done. i don't care. life goes on for me and im moving much too quickly to ever let a woman slow me down... .

Splitbalack4 good, You have value and worth! Do not let her devalue you. They do this by cramming another person down your throat. It is sick and it is hateful and they have no clue the damage they do to us! My opinion is N/C has worked for me in the fact I do not get caught up in his madness.

As you said, your a good person. Detaching will allow you to see that conversations with this person are toxic. She is borderline. She is mentally ill. You are not.

I hope you will continue to post here and get the support you need. Go easy on yourself and let her go... .she is not worth your love.

It has been two months for me. The man I loved and was engaged to walked out and sent me an email saying it was over. Cold, selfish and replaced me. Why would I really want a man like him? Think about it, why do you need someone who cannot truly commit.  Get married and it would be worse. It is like their words are cheap. They meaning nothing.

Be strong... .hang in there and N/C.

BPDs seem to usually have a replacement lined up. Mine did a month after we we're married. I think it's because they know the relationship won't work out and their scared to death of being alone. I'm getting blocked calls in the early morning, so it leads me to believe there's trouble in paradise.  I have no intention of answering.  It would just start the same games.

Seems like they always have an exit strategy. Mine did, the last argument wasn't even an argument. All I said is what's wrong and calm down and lets talk about this.She'd  told me months before that she was doing a character assassination of myself to her family. It was a planned out thing.

Looking back on it the day before the split she seemed not sure weather or not we were gona break up she told me she wasn't coping to well I guess the abandonment fear was at 100% that night then the next morning I broke up with her as she started a massive argument . Come to think of it that's proberly why she started it coz in her mind I had abandoned her they are confusing ppl .

If they can they abandon first because they fear we will abandon them and it gives them the false feeling of having control over their lives. I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me

Downwhim

wow that really hit home for me. Thanks I needed that. It sums up my ex fiancee so completely.

Hi splitblack,

I read on another post that she did not even make 12 hours before unblocking and contacting you again and said sorry, they are just so predictable it's not even funny, so the little child that ran to her room and slammed the door ( blocked you )  opened the door ( unblocked you ) because she NEEDED to go to the bathroom ( her phone ) and eliminate (her feelings ) and then flush her emotional toilet ( contacting you ) .  Ask yourself how long you want to be her toilet?  I think some here May still or at least at one point wish they would get help for their emotional issues and be willing to do the work to help carry them through it, I know I would have, Think about how great of a person you are to be willing to do that! Learning about this disorder and knowing how much work that would be for anyone to take on I think that speaks volumes about your ability to love and your character.  The fact Is though she don't want help for her problem, she does not know or think she has one,  without the therapy that she is not getting all you are going to get is more hurt, mine went from hate and blame messages to messages of missing me to Messages of just wanting me to come up  and F her and then back to hate and blame! This confusion is what you are in store for if you keep contact with her and it is designed to keep you in the FOG, dazed and confused and mindlessly there for her when she needs to flush her toilet. If you want to do anything positive for the relationship than go NC!  Even if you got rid of the boyfriend You would still be in a triangulated relationship between you and her and a disorder! One that produces boyfriends.  So no therapy than NO CONTACT!   don't even think about it.

Well it's been 3 days nearly i havnt heard from her ! I've stayed no contact . I'm hoping now I can start to heal !

I hope the same for both of us,  i'm still very hurt by this myself.

I did send her a text 2 days ago asking what she ment by sorry that day and wished her a happy Xmas and new year but didn't get a reply .

Targeted many thanks again for your advise Thers a few things you said to me that I keep telling myself and its making things easier for sure

She has also left me unblocked on her phone so we will see if she does contact me anytime soon and I will keep u updated . A few ppl are saying I may here from her when the replacement and her have ther first argument but we will see I also put in that text to her I am moving forward with my life and to not contact me so 2 and half days seems as she has respected that .

Bro your thinking too much. I did the same, save yourself all the pain and let go. You'll be much better off.

Yer maybe but seems to be the reality of it up to date and based on the facts I know if I know I will be better off without her I just need a littleore time .

I am glad some of my experience could help, I do not think she will answer that question but I am sure she will contact you again soon for something, most likely something hateful, at least until she starts devaluing this guy, I would bet my money that The relationship she is in now does not go past 4-5 months and it has already been one, my ultimate guess is 10 more weeks. This is all a guess based on what I know about my exes traits in the past, they are not the same person obviously so things could vary a little but it is the same disorder, so if you are going to leave communication open to her please prepare yourself so that you do not get sucked back in and get hurt even worse because anything short of her making a commitment to herself and getting therapy to fix her issues that is all that is going to happen and it will be worse, it got worse each time for me, I got sucked back in numerous times because our break ups were so short I never had a chance to get out of the fog, my progression--

She thought I did not love her enough so she went out on a date.  no Break up first.

Result- I forgave her and told her not to do that again.  Never heard about the guy again.

2. Had an argument so she went on a dating site again, started talking to a guy and broke up with me for one day to go out with him.

R- she got mad at me at dinner once in a restaurant and left and went to have a beer with him again and it took two months to make that go away,

3. Disregulated again and back on dating site. Admission of physical cheating!  Just hands!  At least she said!  Months of stress and uncertainty followed, compounded with my now full lack of trust and hurt from cheating and her answer to this was that she does not feel bad because we were broken up!--  actual break up was only 3 days.

4. Caught her on a dating site again and I lost it and left and said I'm done!

R- 5 months of email and texting hatred, projections, blame, taunting, and mixed messages of missing me and loving me and back to hatred. Messages went in this circle numerous times,  at about the 3 week mark because I did not cave she called child services  on me numerous times to try to get my kids taken away because she knew that would hurt me more than anything! It took up to 11 days ago for that reality of what she will do to me to sink in because of being so deep in FOG.  Now 11 days later I am happy to be finally NC,  now just need to find out why I would allow it to go that far and stop missing her for what was good because the bad that goes with it far outweighs the good by 99%.  It's tough to cut through the FOG!

Sounds like you really are goin thru a tuff time target tbh the more time I'm having away from her I'm truly seeing the real person she is and she isn't a nice person atall and only thinks of herself and can't help but lie she was round a mutuel freinds house today telling lies about our relationship in front of her new bf (my replacement ) to the point I think he just shook his head bless her always being the centre of attention and the victim ! .

Thank you split, I am having a very difficult time just like everybody else,  but helping and caring is in my nature and I like that about myself, it is very disappointing that I could not help my ex because I cared so much but if sharing my experiences helps somebody before their experiences get as bad as mine did then I am still being helpful and it is also helping me to heal, I do not want this experience to turn me into a cold uncaring person, if my Sharing of my experience eventually helps just one person even in a minute Small way then to me I turned a negative into a positive and I believe that is how you move forward.  I believe there are people Who are just discovering this site and have not even joined yet reading our posts and it is starting to make a difference, that's how I got on here.  It is at least a start to think that you are posting and getting feedback and figuring things out and healing as well as maybe helping somebody out along the way.   Keep posting.

Yes I am goin to carry on posting on here regardless of what happens with the ex and I (she still hasn't made contact !) you sound likes target a ppl pleaser ! That's what got me sucked in to all this mess with a borderline in the first place . After reading most posts about NC I'm actually pleased with myself as I seem to be doing well with it the urge is getting less and less and the contact I sent was one text wishing merry Xmas and why she would say sorry after seeing me tbh I'm suppressed she hasnt text me by now it was always once every 2/3 days ? I'm getting the feeling I may get one over Xmas as she is going to be on her own after the kids go off to ther nans house Boxing Day new bf got family of his own . Plus if I do hear from her the NC will give me time to think about what I should do if that time comes .

Targeted  ,I bumped into my eBPDgf  ex best freind today who has nothing good to say about my ex now she actually sees her lies and figured her out straight away and doesn't want to know her . she also told me something that really made a difference to how I was feeling she said I was the best thing that happened to her she is an idiot for pushing me away she has no doubt that her and my replacement will not last she said she was supprised it's lasted this long already ! (Her ex best freind knows my replacement ) was told he doesn't really care for her in his mind it's just a casual thing. I was also told that all my ex does is talk about me most of the time ! It's mostly rambling tho . I think my ex has set herself up for a hard fall this time as she is obsessed with him due to idolising him right now and obviously the BPD. But he is just using her and telling her what she wants to hear ! Explains why my replacement is so laid back and doesn't seem to be botherd or batter an eye lid whent name is mentioned !

Targeted any views on this