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So... .finding it incredibly difficult to simply sit there... .for 90% of the entire session as my BPDw goes on and on painting me black.

AND the MC... .validates... .validates... .validates... .

(understand ... .to validate ... .to her means she is RIGHT - about ME)

I have talked to the MC about it, says not missing the entire picture, but HAS to do that - or my BPDw will NOT even be willing to get to HER stuff.

That said... .I fear that EACH time we go... .she leaves with an attitude of

"THERE!... .see ... .I AM RIGHT! IT's NOT ME AT ALL... .IT IS YOU!

HAS anyone else experienced this in a marriage counseling session? What did you do to handle it? DO others see this as potential harm not help?

Have you spoke to the MC about how you felt? About what was going on? Is your pwBPD diagnosed? Does the MC know about it?

How many sessions have you had?  I've certainly experienced what you have experienced - just being blamed for everything under the sun for a whole hour.  Out MC usually turns things a bit more positive in the last 10 minutes, but I still leave feeling like I got stabbed in the chest.  But in my case, those are isolated sessions.  Sure, the typical session is her discussing her gripes and life, and I am okay with that.  But the attacking and blaming me isn't every session.

So what do you do?  It's your decision - obviously you don't like walking into MC knowing you are going to get beat up again.  My personal advice here - if you have less than 6 sessions so far, be patient with the MC, but make an effort in the next session to steer the conversation back your way without resorting to JADE.  Talk about boundaries instead.  Perhaps like this? "I hear what you are saying and what your issues are with me.  I can do what I can to solve these issues, but I feel you want me to be perfect, and that is impossible.  I do love you and want to work with you on those issues, but I feel you only want to blame me.  If you want to solve these issues I will need you to work with me as a couple, and I won't work with you unless you can let go of the blame."  And if you have been to more than a half dozen sessions with her and it continues, you can set a boundary here as well: "I would love to work on our issues together in MC, but I feel the sessions have turned into a forum that I feel is not constructive.  I am not going to participate in additional MC if it is going to turn into a venue where I am being blamed for all our problems."

Hello nightmoves,

For me MC would depend on many things, the skill level and experience of the therapist in working with high conflict couples and BPD, awareness of DBT etc. The level of emotional functioning of the pwBPD, because as we know BPD symptoms  are on a continuum; so if the pw held down a semblance of a life before the disorder reeked havoc their capacity for insight might be greater. I know for sure MC would not be right for me and my dBPDh. The thought of it fills me with horror!

Lots of couples on this site have from what I have read found MC useful and lots have not. It is worth saying that if you read around about this disorder, MC is not usually the therapy of choice for pwBPD. Again though what is positive is your wife is there, she is going. It could be from these sessions that the therapist suggests individual therapy if they feel MC is not right at the moment.

Personally I would not participate in MC with my h for the reasons that you highlight, and that sometimes this type of environment can inadvertently validate negative aspects of the disorder.

I don't know how long you have been going, but if it is early days then perhaps in validating how your wife feels about things keeps her in the room and that keeps open the possibility she might behind to tolerate some emotional discomfort further down the line.

I don't know if you have your own T, but it might be a useful place for you to be emotionally held whilst this dynamic continues in MC. I can hear that it is frustrating when you have gone for support and feel like exactly the same thing is being played out in the MC, remember though MC is about the relationship so your communications and interactions will be mirrored in the session. It is the role of the therapist to help you both navigate this.

Max, Ethyl, and Sweetheart -

Thank you

Four years ago my husband and I tried marriage counseling.  Sessions were much like you describe leaving me to feel after each session that things were in fact worse than before.  We tried 2 different therapists and both were sabotaged by my husband, which he now admits.  He has expressed interest in trying again now that he realizes I am so close to throwing in the towel, but I don't think he's capable of working on our issues until he's made some progress dealing with his own issues.  In the meantime I am seeing my own counselor to work through my own resentments and anger over how I've been treated and to decide whether or not I can stick around while he tries once again.

Thanks Michelle -

Wish you the best in this go round.

SO - get this.

MY BPDw... .is seeing her own therapist... .to work out all the "issues" she has with me. All the issues she paints me black about I guess.

Her anger at me for the most aberrant of issues that frankly I a constantly appalled that anyone can "blame another for.I must admit it is a little disconcerting that she is meeting each week to recieve validation for her BPD fueled "issues" with me.

As every non on here knows... .thier BPD spouse can and will conjure up the most ridiculous areas to rage at you over.

And I am sure that THOSE are what she is "discussing".

Not sure what happens when a therapist gets the one sided opine.

 

I've been to 5 or so different MC therapists over several years.

By far the most effective one... or style... .focuses on each others feelings... .and not who is right or wrong.

Focuses less on exactly what you will do... .or not do... .and focuses more on trying to feel empathy for the other persons feelings.

I'll try to look up the "style"... there is a name... .which I can't seem to remember right now.

I would have the MC try to focus on time limits for expression... .and time limits for fairness.  The basic taking turns thing.

Stay away from right and wrong

Stay away from trying to make it a courtroom