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My husband is very abusive. He always tries the control. Not really control me, but control the situation.

For example, few days ago I was very upset at him. I spoke, maybe a bit too harshly but he was very rude to me so I was just speaking out of anger, than he told me that he will not answer me and he refused to even apologize!

I told him that he is controlling and abusive, and he is trying to control the situation. Instead of just realizing that I am upset and say I am sorry, he is trying to stop me from talking! How rude!

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This is what I heard from my wife today. Tried explaining to her what does control freak means - trying to control you and change what you do or don't. ":)id I ever make you do something you don't want? Or stopped you from doing something you want"?

She didn't answer because the answer is no. In fact, if you compare "control", she has much more control over me than the other way around. I almost never tell her what to do or not for me, for the children or herself. I will suggest something, if I am being asked.

Still. I thought the conversation was very funny. And now, thank g-d, I am in a much better place so I can laugh - and share :)

What a tangled mess you seem to be in!  We've been there, my BPDh and me.  The push and shove back and forth of who is controlling who.  How I hated being there.  So destructive to everything that was important to me.  My thoughts are with you and your family.

We've worked as a family for over fifteen years to break this cycle of hatred and pain.  We've done okay.  Our lives are relatively good now, compared to what you're experiencing.  We both still hold the scars of what we've done and said to each other, but at least now, we get strength in knowing we've made it this far.  We haven't killed each other, and we don't despise each other any more.  Well, at least not daily anyways. 

What helped me the most when I was where you are, was to ask myself why I was about to say what I was going to say, before I said it.  When you turn from reacting to someone's words to thinking about your own words, life becomes less tangled.  It's not easy to master.  It took me years to be able to automatically consider this before I spoke.  I had to stop worrying all the time about what others were thinking and start thinking myself, I guess.  I don't know, I'm not you, but I just wish I had something to offer you for support.

I can, and am, sending good intentions your way.  Be kind to each other, as much as you can.

blessings,

c.

I would try to validate this.

"yes honey... .it is very important that we speak properly to each other... .or "speak kindly"... .etc etc

Be careful with this.  I did this and she accused me of being passive agressive and patronizing :-)

I second the caution there. Using "we" like that blows up validation pretty quickly. In effect you are saying two things at the same time:

"It is very important that I speak kindly to you"

"It is very important that you speak kindly to me"

The first is OK. The second one is invalidating... .or at least patronizing. And trying to wrap those two together with a nice neat bow probably qualifies as passive aggressive.

 

A bit of nuance here... I think.

I think the key here is to avoid double standard.   I'm not seeing the PA in this.  Also will admit... .I have a hard time understanding PA... as my understanding is that true PA behavior is based on what you are after... or really want.

So... if you were saying what I said as way to "hit" without being direct... .then I think that is PA.

If your intentions were honorable... and you want to both speak properly... .then it is not.

Max,

What was the follow up to the accusation?  Sorry you feel that way... .or a gentle... .help me understand... .is usually what I do.

My perception of the danger here is not being "even" in the delivery.  pwBPD pick up on nuance a bunch.  And you can also say my suggestion in a way that makes you sound like a smart ass... or "dismissive"... .

I do see the point about being invalidating... .

So... my follow up would be... .if you try this a few times with poor results... post about it here... .but I would then move along to another tactic.