BPDFamily.com

One thing my uBPDh said in an email the other day was that he has "paid for my life" for a long time. ?

When we got married about a hundred years ago he had custody of his at-that-time 6 year old daughter, so I became Instant Mom. I loved it, even though I had no idea what I was doing. I took care of the house and his daughter, and later we had another daughter and I stayed home with her. I did foster care--again at home, and we adopted our first foster child who came from a crack mom and had some big learning issues and hyperactivity issues. I did all this and cooked and cleaned etc. and started taking care of the bills and the taxes. All this time my h would say that it was our agreement that I never needed to work outside the home.

And now it's as simple as he was paying for my life, as if I contributed nothing.

Can you tell his statement really got to me? He has made the "you're happy to use me as a paycheck" and the "you don't do anything all day" sorts of statements, but for some reason his comment about "paying for my life" after raising 4 children, fostering more, etc. etc. really gets me.

What's your "favorite" way you've been invalidated by your BPD partner?

"You owe me for your MBA" she said "I let you study, and take all the time off doing the work at home"

I asked her a few months ago when we were discussing it - "What would it take to pay you back? Whether we divorce or not, I want to pay you back for your sacrifice. What do I owe you?"

She gave me the most dumbfounded look I've ever seen. And she couldn't answer me. She eventually managed "You can't pay me back, you'll always be employable and I'm not - you can't fix that, or pay that back".

How can you argue with that logic? :)

My next favourite is to treat me like a non-person, but treat everyone else like a hero. On the phone to a complete stranger, with a kind tone, generous and helpful. Put down the phone and turn into a witch. Same at church - showing me and others a kind, dutiful wife act, until we get to the car and the claws come out

She said she "helped me live" and that she "got me in touch with my emotions" as if I was some sort of emotionless blob before she met me.  Bear in mind, this is the same woman who said a number of times that her "introverted husband had more of a social life than his extroverted wife."  But yet I needed help living?  Please.  And what the heck?  What does she think about introverts? That we are socially inept or something?  At least my friends wanted to hang out with me outside of some sort of obnoxiously loud bar setting, 3 drinks in, at 1AM on the weekend.  Yeah, that comment really irked me. 

This is also the same woman that when I made plans with friends or did activities/outings that I wanted to do (all of which she was invited to attend), I was leaving her.  There could be no semblance of two separate identities.  She even said to me that "our differences would keep us from going through life enmeshed as one."  Her words, verbatim.   

That is a classic  :)

I have one of those mother's that never accepts the fact that their kids are grown up and that constantly tries to baby me and my siblings. Because of this i hold some sort of resentment towards her but the BPDx uses the way my mother is to call me a "momma's boy" as if i'm the one going to my mom to take care of stuff for me.

Some of these hurt to talk about.

"We never dated."

She threw herself at me for over two years.

"You're stalking ME!"

She once called my mom at 5am to ask what I was up to.

"I'm a lesbian, I don't date guys."

Again, she threw herself at me.

"My sister thinks you're a creep."

Her sister apologized for my ex's behavior and admitted she had problems.

"You got me fired from two jobs."

Her former manager said she quit to avoid being served court documents, which is beyond stupid.

"You're just mad you got rejected by the same girl for three years."

She threw herself at me.

List is endless and so are her actions, like slowly cutting me and my daughter out of her schedule to the point where she didnt talk to my daughter anymore and I was left trying to guess her schedule so I could see her!

"I finally know what I want"... .wow... .there went 16 months

One time I told her I couldnt stop by because of some stuff I was doing at home with my kids and was busy with that (granted, they are older) and she tells me "Oh, I see, I have 5 kids, you only have 2. You only think your busy"... .What the heck

Everytime I would try and say something back, she would sush me, or make a large, loud no, no, no,over me while I was speaking... .

I am no longer staying at your house.

Kissing me not on lips on side of cheek.

Not touching me.

Saying it is all about me

:'(

Totally hear you on the kissing part. If we argued about something(I would cave just to keep piece) we would go do something, or hang on the couch or whatever, I would go to leave and kiss her goodnight on the lips and I would get the "MMM MMM, I have to like you again first"... .god that killed me. Still hurts me.

Not kissing me or showing any affection.

Refusing to say "I love you."

Telling me I'd never live up to his expectations.

Not listening when I tried to speak about my feelings -- either ignoring me or shutting me down.

Redirecting and blaming me if I said something he did/said hurt my feelings.

Accusing me of "having it easy."

Taking my depressive episodes personally.

-One time, we were talking about our relationship and he said, "I don't think we ever took each other out of the friend zone."

-I tried to talk to him once about how I don't feel special to him and how he is so unplugged. He turned it around on me and said that I don't make him feel special. I tried to point out all of the things that I had done for him and all of the ways that I had tried to help him and his response was, "You don't make me feel special because you are nice to everyone." What the heck? So I have to be a jerk to other people just so he will feel special?

-When I got my new job, his first response when he heard about my hours was, "What about what I want to do?" HUH? I had been a work at home mom/housewife for over 7 years so it wasn't easy for me to find a job that had evening hours and decent pay and he was worried about his men's meeting.

-When we were exploring an open relationship, there was a person that I was talking to that my husband really liked. The reason he liked this person was because the other guy made some joke about cleaning me up before sending me home. In the context that it was originally said, it wasn't invalidating because it was a bit of a joke. My husband latched onto it and took it rather seriously and brought it up a couple of times.

-He will has also taken me places and failed to introduce me to people. There was one time back in grad school a number of years ago that stands out. We walked up on a group of people. I knew several of them but there was one lady in particular that I didn't know but he did. He started talking to her and acted like I wasn't even there. His body language was such that I was a pariah or simply did not exist. I don't need to be fawned over but at least act like I am there. Very invalidating.

And the list goes on. . .

WOW.

I feel kicked in the chest reading all of those... .

I felt for the past few years that if I said anything he would jump in with "Yes, BUT--" He acted like our marriage was some big competition that he had to win!

I saw the same thing where he could be wise and funny and compassionate for someone else and then turn around and breathe fire at me... .

And how could I have forgotten what a couple of you mentioned--no affection. For pretty much 4 years I felt like some gross sack of rotting potatoes because he would look like he just ate a bug if I wanted to be affectionate.

Moselle--you just can't put a price on guilt! lol

billypilgrim--awww now you're all fixed! Did you know you were broken, you poor sad introvert? OY! And that enmeshed comment is some sort of creepy look inside her brain... .

clydegriffith--okay, another creepy look inside an ex's brain... .but anything for her to feel superior to you, right?

.cup.car-- her version of "truth". That's what my uBPDh does, tells The Story of Elpis, his way. Told it so convincingly that I believed him for years.

Deeno--again with the superiority! And shushing you? yikes!

HappyNihilist--wow--I didn't know my uBPDh had a twin, but clearly... .

Vortex--it is supPOSED to be all about him, right? lol

Wow, there is definitely a pattern here. A need for control whatever it takes. We will never be "enough." Must be First. Throwing the blame on us, no matter what. It's really sad, and I honestly do feel compassion for my h, but it's amazing the things we allowed ourselves to put up with for the sake of the relationship.

For my uBPDh I know there is so much "want" but so little "give" and the give was when it worked for him. I feel like he's invalidated pretty much every part of me, every part of my life, in our marriage.

I had primarily been raged at and belittled face to face over the years, so now that i'm no longer at home i'm seeing more of it in print. Somehow that makes it even more obvious, his need to "win." It's tragic. But I need to keep myself safe and work toward healing.

(is it terrible I like hearing everyone else's stories BECAUSE they validate my experience?)

I think the worst was when I'd ask to be left alone and she'd guilt trip me and then shove her mindless babble down my ears, even though it obviously upset me.

"clydegriffith--okay, another creepy look inside an ex's brain... .but anything for her to feel superior to you, right?"

Yep. Also, i think she was envious of the fact that my mom would do absolutley anything for me and she does not have a very good relationship with her own mother, which is due to the BPD behavior.

No.  If you are anything like me, you have been craving validation for a long, long while.  And also, if you are anything like me, the nonsense you put up probably made you feel like the crazy one.  Especially if yours was very inept in guilting you into feeling bad for being/acting/thinking a certain way. I learned to just let her be, it was easier.  There was far less conflict.  So seeing all this other crazy ___ that people like you, me, and the rest who have commented here have dealt with is comforting.  We have needs.  And right now our needs involve feeling better about the craziness we called a relationship.  Tend to your needs.

Agreed!  This whole website is so validating!  Who else could begin to understand or relate? 

When I read this thread this morning, I was stumped... .because my whole relationship invalidated me!  I wasn't allowed to be real.  6 mths out now, I feel like I've been dreaming the last 4 yrs... .or sleepwalking.  Something unreal!  Such a bizarre state to feel like this! 

I think we all learned to shut down our instincts because they obviously were telling us that Something Was Amiss. Yes, I felt very crazy, things didn't fit together or make sense, and he was telling me I was the opposite of what I thought I was, and oh the guilt about everything... .

It is taking so much self-talk and talking here on the site to change the faulty thinking I developed during my 38 years of marriage! AND I STILL FEEL GUILTY! GAAAAAHHHHHHH

Driving to meet her brother for the first time to see him and his new born daughter. I asked if she had told him we were seeing each other and she said no. We'd been together 3 months!

Didn't get introduced to anyone. Her family and friends and me kind of introduced each other. So ignorant.

My ex said all of these things to me .

You don't make any effort with me !

You put your job , your family , your freinds before me everyone and everything comes first and I'm last !

I'm always an after thought !

You give our dog more attention than you do me !

Your a good step farther and your excellent and your job but when it comes to me and my needs your crap !

You never think of me and ignore me !

Come to think of it how did I put up with all that ? I'm glad I wrote this list as I'm missing my ex at the moment and goin no contact and this has just reminded me and helping me move on.

We were long distance... .He dysregulated, said he was commitung suicide. I was on the other side of the planet and couldnt reach him anymore. I called the police in his city and they went to his house. There was nothing wrong, he opened the door completely calm and normal.

Then he raged at me that obviously I didnt care about him at all other wise I would not have called the police!   I was evil, mean and out to ___ him over, I would know this would go in his record and it could affect his custody battle over his son... .What a b*tch I was trying to save his life. This was the first of many suicide threaths. It was an awefull experience and I was in shock for a couple of hours.

God the ___ I excepted from this man... .Mind boggling!

ugh, this one is the worst.  Anytime we're having a disagreement about something and I try to talk about my feelings or my side of it and suddenly, "This isn't about you for once," from her.

But I would love it to actually be about me and what I want from my life for once. 

Yes know this way to well in an argument I would end up making everything my fault ? Then argue that I was to blame even tho it was her ! Then she'd say YER coz it's all my fault isn't it ! Someone here please tells how that makes sense ? I used to walk away thinking I was loosing it almost like another world you have step into ! I do not know how on earth I did stay sane enough to end things !

Same. Apologize profusely, swear to do better, try to diffuse with humor or just roll over and take the ass kicking. Still have a second guessing myself problem and some guilt.

This made me chuckle because it reminds me of all of the times that we have gotten into fights over whose fault it was. I would take the blame a lot of times because he has this way of being all pathetic like a whipped puppy dog. I can't even describe how big of a mind f**k it was because I would walk away wondering what the heck just happened. If I try to admit that I screwed up and apologize, he twists it and says, "You don't need to apologize. I deserved it because I am a horrible person, blah, blah, blah." So then, all was forgotten and I would find myself praising him and building him up and telling him how great he was. It was crazy, crazy, crazy! Talk about feeling completely invalidated. I'd start out trying to have a serious conversation about something that was important to me and would walk away after what I said was somehow turned around and I was praising him. HUH? How does that work?

there is so many I can`t even count or remember all of them.

1) my dog hates me. This one still hurts.

2) I am crazy .

3) nobody loves me .

4) my place is a dumb. which is were she lived for three years on and off.

5) that she paid all the bills. which was a lie.

6) how i had no friends.

7) how it was my fault her son beat me up and put me in the hospital, because i am mean. this was sent me to the mental hospital.

My favorites...

I'm emotionless

I'm incapable of love

I'm unlovable

Nice, huh?

Oh yes. I forgot about this. My ex treated pretty much everything like a competition. He had to have the last word, or be the best, or have it the worst, etc.


No doubt! A lot of your stories about your ex remind me of mine.


My exBPDbf straight up told me (a couple of months after the breakup): "I needed to be first, above everything and everyone else in your life and mind."

Like you, Elpis, I feel compassion for my ex. I certainly wouldn't want to have to live inside his head. But like you said, their behavior is so deeply invalidating. It really wounds to the core.

But yes, reading others' stories has been very validating and reassuring for me. In the times when I've felt like I might be crazy, seeing people's similar experiences has been a nice sanity check.

Reading this topic has me remembering all sorts of things.

One time he said that we had to stay together because we were both too weird for anybody else to want either of us. (Um, okay, whatever!)

Another time, he said that if we split up he would see if he would be able to give me any money to take care of the kids. Like the kids and I are not on his priority list.

When he was going through his suicidal phase, he would talk about how he wanted me to give this or that to this or that friend. Never any talk of wanting me or the kids to have anything. He wanted his friends to have his sentimental stuff. (Like living with me is such hell that he wants to die and make sure that his friends get his stuff because the kids and I aren't worthy wasn't bad enough.)

If we divorce, you won't have anything to worry about because you will probably find somebody right away and you can marry him and have him help you raise the kids. (WHAT? Okay, whatever!)

Ohhhh, I'll never forget the first time I saw my exBPDbf's full rage. We were having an argument, although I had been trying not to, and he was just not listening to me. Finally I got exasperated and said, "Sometimes it's not all about you." He lost it. He started shaking, and yelled at me, "YES! IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!" and punched things. I was legitimately scared (and I don't scare easy), and tried to just walk away. He grabbed me by my hips to stop me, and I looked him square in those angry eyes and coolly told him to take his hands off of me. He seemed to "come to" -- the rage deflated -- and he let me go and walked away.

I never said "it's not about you" again. 

Finding out that she maintained an active dating profile whilst maintaining an intimate relationship with me.

Has a tendency to take the wind out of one's sails, don't you know.

This was long before I was apprenticed into the study and mastery of all things BPD.

I heard those very same statements Elpis from my uBPDh of 25 yrs after raising 4 children and doing all those same wonderful things I know you did. I loved being an at home mom and not only did I raise my children very well and nearly entirely "alone", I took care of every aspect of the household and beyond.  You see, my spouse "worked" and I "did not."  And he was tired. I could never be tired.  His "job" as he said was to " bring home the money that I got to spend." He did nothing really beyond that except expecting immense praise for " working" and any little thing he might do there after, such as mowing the lawn or shoveling snow,  which became some sort of hosanna event. 

I took on all, not bc I wanted to, but bc he wouldn't w. out raging/victimization. At a certain point in my mind, I just said " it has to get done, I can do it all with a smile and my children deserve a peaceful loving home."

I have NEVER been happier than NOT living this way. Once I "quit" being controlled and started to bcome my own person while putting up boundaries it was far too much for him. So he said he wanted to leave which was a huge blessing in disguise.  Of course his parting gift was to involve our children in adult matters and play me as the bad one ruining a family. My kids still feel their dad was wronged, he did a good job with that.

I am thankful every day that I FINALLY got out of that toxic situation.  I pay the price as my kids, who I devoted my life to in silence of their father's emotional abuse, blame me for much. You see, he's long gone even though he lives nearby which is really the same as he was when he lived in the home, and they have no one else to blame, because it's still all about him.  He still helps with nothing. Yet, somehow, it's all my fault that I ruined the family.

I'll take that all over living with him and being devalued so detrimentally. 

So many lessons I have learned. SUCH personal inventory.

I'm still happier and seeing the good in life.  As I always had.  Sorry, you can't take that away from me :)

Months earlier:  ex begs me not to leave him and says he can't be without me.  Months later:  my whole world is shattering, chaos…find him in our bed in the middle of the day with a woman…he tells me…

"You ruined my lay"

       

One sentence, 7 years later…HEMORRAGHED a severe personality disorder. 

SOO much SOO wrong! And things I relate to far too well!

i'm beginning to think I need to be committed to a mental facility for putting up with this kind of sh!te for so long!

SplitBlack, you quoted this:
Well in MY experience the doggies gave me much more support than my uBPDh! Far more deserving of our attention, right?

This is the stuff we need to remind ourselves of when we start thinking "well maybe it wasn't so bad... ."

when you look back and take an inventory at all of these invalidating comments, circumstances, and actions, you realize they ALL have 1 thing in common:

they are his/her projections

it's a good 'peek' into their inner thinking... .it's a good reminder that these people are chronically miserable

Indeed antelope,

It follows that we should be giving these invalidations the disrespect they deserve. They are as you say "the inner thinking of the chronically miserable", and absolutely nothing to do with us.

Thanks for the reminder.

Having lived it for 25 yrs I can confirm that statement is absolutely truth.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, could bring a sense of lasting happiness to my ex.  Always whoa is me and a blamer.  Always.  Unfortunately the longer you stay in r/s like that, to keep your family structure while trying to keep the peace- walking on eggshells- you, yourself miss out on so much you as a person deserve.  At least thats my experience. I believe my ex was uNPD but having the subsequent waif BPD r/s that followed, its all one big disordered person that simply cannot find happiness while bringing so many down w them.

I have never seen my ex be truly happy. I mean goofy, crazy, silly happy. He has that inner turmoil that keeps him from really enjoying life. I use to be positive before I met him yet it seemed to disappear as the raging, fighting, come here/go away eliminated joy.

I only became able to recognize invalidation within the last year really. Before that I knew it was unkind and hurtful, but after I moved out I started to see my uBPDh say something mean and i'd see the word over his head INVALIDATION/ ONE-UP. And I could see that the less control he had of me, the higher ratio of unkind words there were in any one conversation.

A lot of it has been projection--that I was able to start seeing while I was still at home and he was becoming more and more highly dysregulated. It's a weird way to see my life.

And yes, "the inner thinking of the chronically miserable" (Perfect, antelope!) is the perfect phrase to describe my h's words. I still remember the moment when I had the realization of the bigger picture. I was always berating myself "you're so stupid!" and that sort of fun stuff. Then one day my brain finished the sentence: "i'm so stupid--because I can't make him happy!" And I had to stop and think "oh wow. How many years have I been thinking I could make him happy?"



Caredverymuch, you said


That's bad enough, but I can see where I allowed my children to come to the belief that abuse is 'normal' in some way. I kept trying to normalize the dysfunction! "Grumpy dad" that sort of thing. But that became impossible the more mean he got to me.

Thank you so much EVERYBODY who has participated in this topic! It's helping me keep my thinking straight!