BPDFamily.com

My codependent traits are really bothering me right now. And I keep obsessing over her and the relationship most of the time. Any advice how to get over it?

I understand, I went through the same exact thing.  Start focusing on yourself and things you like to do. My pwBPD always needed validation and to be with me 24/7.  My co-dependency, deterred me from doing things I normally would like to do, such as going to the gym (he hated the gym and never wanted to go).  When I started to think about him and obsessing, the first thing I did was to put on my Nikes and go to the gym.

Also, the only other way you are going to get over it, is to really accept her mental illness for what it is. Ruminating and analyzing her behavior and relationship, will only drive you crazy. You cannot change her behavior, no matter how hard you try. I have posted this before but, on one of his more lucid days, my pwBPD specifically told me, "EaglesJuju, you could have done everything possible and gave me the world, I know you tried; it still would not have been enough.  This is a problem that I have."   

Therapy.  Try a Therapist who specializes in ISTDP. 

Yeah that too  lol.  I forgot that since,  I always assume that most of the people here are in therapy   

Is therapy absolutely necessary?

I have been trying to handle it on my own

May I ask why are you trying to handle this on your own?  If you encountered a truly personality disordered individual you are in more need of talking to a trained professional on a regular basis than most of the population (without a PD ex) already talking to a therapist does. 

The effects on our psyche is a trauma. 

What do you do when trained proffesionals are useless and judge you as the one with a problem. Dont get me wrong i have my issues other wise i would not be here now. Take a look in the mirror are you what you think or what you know.

The same thing you would do with a hairstylist who just butchered your mane or a medical doctor who just told you "it's all in your head"…find another one and save yourself. 

I went through three therapists until I found the right one for me. You have to shop around till you find someone you are comfortable with.

I can't imagine handling this on my own. The tramua and ptsd is enough to put anyone over the edge. I believe counseling is necessary to recover from this type of relationship.

Well my fathers wife is divorcing him and going through a rough time. It is so hard because my father is a sociopath and destroyed 5 years of her life. She isn't going to therapy or anything and their marriage was a lot worse than my relationship with my exBPDgf. So I guess I feel like if she can do it so can I.

But I am having pretty bad PTSD and anxiety

Find another one.  I would not be where I am today without mine.  He saved my life.

Necessary? No. Really helpful? Usually. I completely get not wanting to go to a therapist. Years ago I was very hesitant myself to talk to someone myself. And there are plenty of valid reasons for not going. But there's nothing wrong with seeking help in healing. It's like having a giant cut and not going to the doctor's to get stitches. Sure, the wound will most likely heal on it's own, but it's going to heal quicker and cleaner if you let the doctor do their job. If you really don't want to go, like I said, I get it. It may be a good thing to at least consider. It usually helps a lot, and if you feel you're not getting anything out of it, you don't have to keep going.


Just because your dad's wife isn't seeing a therapist, doesn't mean it wouldn't help her as well. And everyone heals differently. Some people don't need the extra help as much others. It doesn't make one person better or stronger than the other one. There is no shame in talking to someone, particularly when you know you have a problem.

Pretty bad PTSD and anxiety is pretty much the norm for all of us trying to cope.  Without a therapist, I cannot begin to imagine.  It's really like self-inflicted cruelty.  Don't let a bad experience  or more than one, deter you from getting the help we all crucially need.

Someone, earlier on this site suggested ISTDP

istdp.com/about 

Look it up .

Just read the link.  I like the ideas behind this therapy.  I'm going to look into it and believe with the right practitioner, I can benefit.  Thanks.

Can you do it on your own?  I don't know.  I just know that I couldn't.  I read every book out there.  The way I figure, and I believe this is absolutely true... .we were broken in the context of a relationship, so it stands to reason that we can be healed in the context of a good relationship, as well... .a good relationship with a T who knows what he is doing and knows how to help us find our way out.

ISTDP is what I did.  No other counselors really helped me.

And to expand on this metaphor, if you need stitches and you don't get them, it will leave a nasty scar that will fade over time but never go away.  Finding a good counsellor can really make a huge difference in your healing.

I also had to go through a few counsellors to find the right one.  I found someone that is so validating, which is what most of us didn't get in our r/ss and are in desperate need of since most of our friends and family have no idea what we've been through.  They mean well but often are not terribly helpful.  I have yet to come out of my counsellors office not feeling ten times better than when I went in!  She always gives me an objective perspective, something that is very difficult to come up with on your own when you are in deep grief or suffering from depression, anxiety or PTSD.