BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I was actually directed to this site back in August, after meeting with my ex's, ex gf. I have a long story here, so please bear with me. I've been a spectator on this board for a few months now and I just felt that it was time that I share my story.

My ex of 8 months was hiding his mental illness from me. He is a diagnosed bipolar and also borderline. There were so many things that I didn't understand in our relationship which ultimately ended up with myself going into therapy as I was on the verge I think of having a nervous breakdown.

I had met my ex at a volunteering event in our neighborhood a few months after Hurricane Sandy. We were both victims of the storm and decided once we were both up on feet again and rebuilt, we would volunteer our time helping out neighbors in our community. I had met my ex at an event. From that day on, he was constantly contacting me through facebook at all hours of the day. Talking to me about anything and everything and was very persistent and impulsive when it came to wanting to go out with me. I was involved in another relationship at the time, that was on the brink of blowing up... .my BPD ex knew this and was very persistent in asking me out... .literally asking me 50 times a day out to dinner.

We ended up dating and become a couple within 2 months of meeting eachother for the first time. He was very sweet, gentleman like, attentive, warm and overly consumed with our relationship. Me and our relationship were like the center of his world. He worshipped me. I felt so loved and for the first time, felt that I had met the man that had everything I wanted - at least this is how he portrayed himself to me.

I found out once we started dating that he had a mentally ill sister that he had little contact with. She is out on disability and his mother passed away when he was 16. He had a rough childhood and from what it sounded like, he was neglected growing up. He didn't finish high school and didn't go to college... .but he was VERY, VERY smart for someone with less of an education than me. He told me that he was in therapy - and honestly, I never pryed or asked why. I knew that he had a hard time as child growing up and once we were hit with the hurricane, he was displaced from home, he lost his job and his girlfriend of 3 years who allegedly cheated on him. I figured, well, I dont blame the guy for going into therapy. I probably would have lost it myself!

Our relationship was great, but along the way, probably around 3-4 months in I was noticing "odd" behavior that I misread as quirks. A lot of childish behavior and mannerisms. Not so much with his emotions, but with things that he would do and say. He became very overly obsessed with things... .he is very preoccupied with MAC/Apple computers and was constantly concocting these "pie in the sky", unrealistic ideas that he thought would change the world, create a name for himself and make him a lot of money. He is obsessed with Steve Jobs. He would become obsessed and focused on these "phases" as I would call them, where he would sit and read up and educate himself with whatever idea he came up with and then go on and on about it about how he could the world with this idea. Once his new "idea" didn't pan out or go his way, he would drop it and move onto something else.

He became obsessed with wanting to have a baby with me about 2-3 months into our relationship. He was trying/wanting to move into my apartment. He wanted to be a "family" with me, and he told me that it was such a turn on for him to think about trying to get me pregnant so that he could have baby with me and name his daughter "Henrietta."  I never fed into it. He would talk about wanting to get engaged to me, but never said the words "I love you" to me. I never understood this.

About 6 months into our relationship, I was noticing paranoia... .which I didn't take seriously. He became suspicious of people in our community and thought that they were planting microphones around his house, or were outside spying on him, listening to our conversations when the windows were opened. I never took him seriously.

7 months into our relationship, I noticed his behavior and attitude changing towards me. He was starting to challenge me on things that we both agreed on in the beginning of our relationship. He ended up landing a "once in a lifetime opportunity" to do some computer work for a company that was going to pay him a lot of money to work from home where he could do website development and they would fund his dream to become an app developer for iphones and form a company with him... .The whole thing sounded entirely too good to be true.

After Thanksgiving he was to start this new "career", and this is when the behavior flipped like a switch. It was like literally overnight, I didn't exist anymore. He could only focus on this, and only this. It was like nothing else mattered. He was working (glued to the computer) from 5am to 1am and sleeping 3-4 hours at night, not really eating, drinking 6 cups of coffee a day. He was canceling on me left and right and at the last minute because "he had to get this done." He worked from home and made his own hours... .he was working as a contactor so to speak. I began to feel like I was on the backburner and being pushed away for a job.

I started to get suspicious of his behavior... .and I got upset one night and crying, told him how I felt that he was pushing me away and had no time for me and that it wasn't fair. This was the first time we had ever had a "confrontation." He dumped me right on the spot for being honest about my feelings. The following day he contacted me and apologized and said that we would try to fix things and spend some time with me. Well, things didn't change. After having this confrontation with him, he proceeded to cancel on me 2 more times that week. I went over to his apartment the following week with dinner that I made and he was very cold to me. He was very frustrated and aggitated with his computer work and got mad at me because I made dinner for him and dishes were made. He felt obligated to wash the dishes which was "a half hour of his time being wasted that he could have be doing work."  I looked at him and thought to myself, you ungrateful ass.

Something was NOT right. I could feel it in my gut. I was actually thinking that he was cheating on me. He was pushing me away... .using work as the excuse... .not calling/texting me the way he always was before this "job venture" came up... .canceling on me left and right.  I followed my gut and was over his house that night... .he hadn't slept more than maybe 3-4 hours the night before. He ended up passing out in the bedroom while I was still there. I knew something was up, and I investigated. It was wrong of me, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. I snooped around. I went through his nightstand looked for opened condom wrappers. I locked myself in his bathroom and went through his garbage looking for used condoms. I went through his garbage in his kitchen. I found nothing.  Something was telling me to go onto his computer -- and I did. He left his emails up and I found that he had been communicating with his ex gf behind my back for the entire length of our relationship. He was holding onto her belongings and was still driving around in a car and using a cellphone in her name.

He woke up, and I let him catch me on his computer. I made him sit down and I told him what I found on his computer and told him how upset I was that he lied to me. He then flipped everything around on me and was like trying to play Therapist with me and trying to make me think that I have my own emotional and trust issues. I didn't buy it and it didn't sit right with me.

To make a long story short, he ended up dumping me about 2-3 weeks after this confrontation. He got soo overly consumed with his "career" that I went 6 days barely hearing from him and he wasn't returning my phone calls.  Our relationship went entirely downhill within 1 months time. I ended up blasting him over the phone in which he told me that he was "frustrated" with me because:

1. He had severe cat allergies. It was my fault that I had a cat in my own home that he was allergic to and it was my fault for his allergies. For someone who is so highly allergic, he always wanted to be in my home. He was crazy about my kitten that I had just adopted... .he wanted to hold her, feed her, walk around with her carrying her like a baby. Wanted to snuggle with her at any opportunity he had, but then when he would go into a full blown allergy attack it was my fault.

2. I didn't "understand what he was doing with his career." It was my fault for not being understanding why he was pushing me away.

3. I "checked" his email. It was my fault for not being understanding and accepting him lying to me about his ex gf and maintaining communication and financial ties with her.

He would say that "I dont understand a thing he says" and that "I obviously require a lot of attention" and that "his life changed my routine doesn't fit into his new career and life anymore."  Me wanting to have dinner with him 2-3 nights a week after work required too much of his time apparently.

Three days after dumping me, he's all over internet dating websites looking for a new gf. He took pictures of himself in my home when I wasn't in the room and used those photos on these dating websites. He unfriended me on facebook and then I find out through mutual friends that he started a disgusting online dating blog about his dating expeditions and how he's trying to portray himself as gods greatest gift to women and that he's out to give these girls "the big ":)" on the 3rd date. This was not the person I was with.

My ex was the most sweetest, attentitive, loving person for the first few months of our relationship. He had a very needy side to him and went from constantly wanting to be up my butt 24/7, to not wanting to see me anymore. It was like I was a phase.

This was the real kicker. About 2-3 after he dumped me, I ended up getting in touch with 2 of his family members. I found out my ex was hiding bipolar and BPD from me and had a history of trying to commit suicide. He apparently had tried to kill himself about 2-3 months before he and I met and was hospitalized and was on medication. He never told me, and his family thought that I knew. EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT I KNEW. I had never even heard of BPD before all of this. I had never been around or dated anyone with mental illness before and I didnt know the signs.

I contacted him once I found out he was sick and asked him why he didnt tell me that that I had a right to know while I was with him. He denied everything and then became paranoid about ME and accused me of violating the HIPA law and contacting his doctors and getting his medical history out of relaliation for us breaking up. He said he was going to get a lawyer and sue me and "everyone else involved."

It never occurred to him that his family filled me in.

I feel like he made the biggest fool out of me. It's been 11 months since we broke up. It was this time last year when our relationship started going rapidly down hill.  I took all of this very, very badly. I was starting to fall in love with this person, and it was like overnight I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. I blamed myself because he blamed me for everything that was happening, which was a result of HIS BEHAVIOR. I got so depressed... .I couldn't handle the rejection and the guilt that I felt because he made me believe that I was 100% at fault. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep, I could barely get out bed in the morning to go to work. All I did was cry. I hated feeling the way I felt and I voluntarily put myself into therapy which was the best thing I ever did for myself. It helped so much and I was able to get a clearer understanding of what was going on and I was constantly reassured by EVERYONE, including my Therarpist that I was not the one at fault. I was horribly and unfairly led on.

I'd just like to know how other people have gotten through this? And how do you allow yourself to trust again and become close again with another potential mate? I have such trust issues now and I'm so afraid of getting close to another man in fear of being lied to or having my heart ripped right out of my chest again. I'm immediately too critical when dating and looking for anything that smells of mental illness. It's so sad, but I've become too entirely guarded.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. You got off easily IMO. I know it doesn't feel that way. I was with  uBPD from late 2006 until early 2010 when he suddenly stopped talking to me. It took me 18 months to really get over him, which is embarrassing to me to this day.

Thanks for sharing.


Time! I am 18 months out with 1 year NC. And feel I am just about to be through and opening up again. Probably time since last contact is more important than time since breakup.


Curious about that story... .How did that come about?

Clawly85,  *welcome*

I'm glad you finally posted. I'm sorry that you are down on yourself about your r/s. Many of us here feel that way, especially since we had gut feelings in the beginning that something may have been "off." Heck, my Ex even warned me, but the idealization felt so great like I'd never find someone like this again. I moved in with her 3 months into the r/s (having been just friends, but constant companions, for only two moths prior). She was ok with getting pregnant the first time we were intimate. How crazy is that? Imoulsive, childish. A year later, after our one recycle, I acquiesced and the result is now S4. We weren't even through the trama of our recycle. She called the shots, abandined me to therapy (because something was wrong with me, naturally). Then I gave her now D2, despite not wanting another kid due to what I exerienced with the first.

I could feel shame, or realize that I made many poor choices. A stage in healing and detaching is figuring out why. I hope you keep posting and join many of us on the same journey  

Turkish

p.s. Steve Wozniak was the real tech genius behind Apple. That he wasn't a narcissist like his partner I think is one reason why he got out of the business.

Welcome clawly 85

*welcome*

I'm glad you decided to post and share your story.  It has been about a year for me as well since things went downhill and I still have no interest in dating.  In fact I have passed up several opportunities to date girls that seem out of my league looks wise that made it obvious i should ask them out. It is what it is. Learning to trust again I think is a reflection of learning to trust ourselves again. 

It's not really a race to heal and it will take as long as it takes.  Learning about psychology has become a bit of a habit of mine and one I suggest to anyone if they were badly hurt in a relationship with a person with BPD. The fact you get red flags popping up is in many ways a good thing but it's a fine line between a finely tuned "spidey sence" and paranoia. Probably it's just your body telling you to heal more.

I wish you luck on your journey

Just wanted to thank everyone for listening and support. I am a lot better than I was 11 months ago, clearly. I think that I've been just so hard on myself because I feel like I was made a fool of. I'm almost 30 years old, educated with a great career and I was so naive to entangle myself with someone like this. I feel so stupid.

To answer your question, over the course of the last 11 months, the "skeletons" have fallen out of the closet so to speak. My ex hid his mental illness and never introduced me to what little friends he did have. Imagine being with someone for 8 months and never meeting a single friend.

I live in a small community, and over the last couple of months, I made new friends in my area and low and behold, I met up with a cousin of his and was later introduced to his ex gf (the gf who he was still financially connected to and talking to behind my back) and to one of his only childhood friends. I ended up becoming somewhat friendly with his childhood friend and his ex gf who filled me in on EVERYTHING that I was never aware of. They, too, thought that I knew about my ex's mental condition.  Once I found out everything, I felt like I dodged a major bullet. He would have ruined my life, my families life. I just feel like such an idiot and a fool for not seeing things for what they were.

The sad part is, he now has a new gf that he met shortly a month after dumping me. He suckered in a foreign girl  (college student) off an internet dating website that he I'm sure conned like he conned me. She moved in with him about 6 months into their relationship from what I heard. The funny thing is, someone that I know filled me in on her. I ended up  recognizing her in the parking lot of my local supermarket the beginning of last month. I went up to her and tried to speak to her and fill her in as to who she was involved with and she didn't believe me. She blew me off and looked at me like I was crazy and "OK'd" me to death, rolling her eyes... .I just kept telling her that I didn't want her to be put through what I was put through and that she NEEDED to know this. She's still with him and is going to pay the price big time unfortunately. I just kept telling her that I wish someone would have approached me about my ex the way I approached her.