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I'm tired of the public attacks on my character. I love my ex, and I would give anything to spend my life with them. They were my best friend, I never met anyone that fit me so well. For two years we've been on and off. We hurt each other in so many ways, and I did a lot of things out of my own hurt. I never want to speak to my ex or see them again, because I know that I still wish I could be with them. I know I'll fall for the words about how much they've learned and how they can't do this without me. But they need help, I can't do this running in circles anymore. Everyone wants me to let them go because all we do is keep hurting each other. I just wish the good could be consistent, I wish that out of the two years we've known each other, that more than half was spent actually loving each other well. How can you be so cruel to a person who loves and cares for you? I understand the disorder but it's always mind blowing pwBPD can flip so easy. I'm moving on even though I don't want to. I wish they had help... .I wish they were getting help... .

I feel so stupid every time I take them back but I can't anymore

mangopanda, I'm so sorry you're in such pain and emotional turmoil right now. 


I understand completely. It's devastating when we can no longer be with someone we love and are compatible with. Even if we rationally know that the relationship is unhealthy, it still hurts like hell. But like the old song says, "Sometimes love just ain't enough." You've reached a place where the bad outweighs the good for you.


It's so good that you recognize this. We can't protect ourselves unless we know our weak spots.




I think this is a very good point, and one that's often overlooked. We forget the very real pain that a pwBPD feels when they are so strongly triggered by a partner.

I hurt my exBPDbf, too. Sometimes I meant to (lashing out), but most of the time it was unintentional. Still, because I triggered him so much, being in a relationship with me was hurting him as much as it was hurting me.


It sounds like you're in a good head space. I know it probably doesn't feel like that right now. But you know what is healthiest for you, even though it's not necessarily what you want at the moment. That's a very important distinction to make and a good place to be.


Don't feel stupid. You can't beat yourself up for loving someone and hoping for the best.

You're a caring, compassionate person. Be kind to yourself. 

I understand where you are coming from. I took my ex back three times in 8 years. We even got engaged and then he ended that via email. Painful stuff. They don't get help so every recycle leaves us again in more pain. They have not changed.

You need to work on you. Are you seeing a T? It helps to read all the boards on this site and to learn as much as you can about the illness.

N/C has been the only way for me to take time to heal. Do I miss him (yes), the good him, the old him, the fantasy of what I thought he was. Do I love him (not sure now if it was love or addiction). I know I got addicted to the drama, the ups and downs. But honestly, when the bad times happen more often than the good, it is time to let him go. Loving someone is not about pain.