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I feel like I need help in so many ways and I don't know how to ask for it, and I push it away when it's offered. I'm full of blame and shame and anger and hate. I want to change everything about the past but know I can't. All I can effect is the present, and it is my responsibility to myself to effect that in a positive way. For myself. I'm realizing that the answer to all the crazed questions of Why thrown into the wind, is meditation. All the questions are answered by "stop thinking about that and feel peaceful."

I think... .   

You are asking for help here right now; this is a good place to practice, and then find someone you think you trust in the real world, look them in the eye, and let fly with your truth and vulnerability.  It's really no more complicated than that although it can take courage, and it does two things: it allows you to open up to another human, and it gives you immediate feedback whether or not you can trust that person and if they have a place in your life moving forward.  Make it fun!

Thanks, Fromheeltoheal. I did actually do a few months of domestic violence survivor therapy recently, and I was actually able to look a real person in the eye and be my total vulnerable self for the first time in my life. It felt really good. I'm trying to get to that place with a real person without falling into self pity. I hate self pity but I spend so much time with it... .Gotta pick my moods better. 

Good for you Peace!  Consider that progress.  I've been letting fly with who I am a lot lately, like you it's not my first choice, hasn't been ever really, and it's freeing and scary at the same time.  I've also noticed it's not so common, I freak people out sometimes, but that's OK, it's also a good way of getting rid of unsupportive ones.

It's also very cool that you're in a place to realize we can pick our moods, as opposed to them picking us.  A directed mind is a powerful thing.

Take care of you!

Yeah, I know I'm making progress, and sometimes progress is painful.

Remembering that I can be happy if I want to, that I can actually learn to take time to think before I respond.

It's cool. It's cool.   

I've found a lot of things in my meditation.

When I'm trying to be mindful, instead of thinking.

Most of them are very far from peaceful!

... .and yet, when I do it... .I end up with more peace somehow coming from my practice.

Hi peacebaby

It's hard when you feel unsafe to be vulnerable. Is it possible that you had negative consequences at times when you opened your heart before?

it can be that if people have laughed at us, minimised our pain or dismissed our experiences that we lose a large measure of trust and don't want to risk it again.

I agree that sometimes it is worth letting go of circular thoughts or pointless rumination but your heart may be trying to get your attention to tell you something in which case emptying your mind may not work to bring you peace.

Are you able to perhaps pinpoint some experiences you had previously that made you feel ashamed to let your true self show?

You mention you feel ashamed and full of blame and anger and guilt. these are all true feelings but they may not come from a trustworthy part of you.

Can you have picked up critical voices and then perhaps they were so entwined in your own voice that you thought they were your true thoughts?

if that IS the case then your heart won't give you peace because it KNOWS those voices are saying false things.

I think it's so great that you reached out for counselling and that you reached out here. i am applauding your courage because it's risky and it's HARD to do.

i would also ask if you have ever done the inner child exercises where you imagine yourself as a kid and sit down to have some conversations with yourself?

No one is born ashamed of needing help - we all need help from time to time and it's healthy to ask for it.

Are you able to work out how you got into a self chastising loop?

Ziggiddy

Probably because you never really learned how.  But you can.

And so can I.

I have found meditation. To be extremely helpful in my healing.  What I find is the thoughts are associated with an underlying emotional state and is connected to memories and somatic sensations.  Usually when I have a "!" Moments in my thoughts I find an opportunity to sort of surrender to the others aspects of the experience.