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Every now and then I forget she's mentally ill and all the hell she put me through and start thinking that none of what happened would have if I'd only done something different. Then I catch myself. The second guessing is crazy, I know that no matter what I'd done it would have happened. There was nothing I could have done, after all she was cheating a month After we were married.

I do the same. Regretting that I didn't do more or wishing I did things differently. This is only torturing ourselves. We could be perfect and they would find a way to devalue us and eventually jump ship. The disorder always wins.

You're not alone, I think like that sometimes too!

Wasnt in the same situation with the cheating, but bad none the less. I second guess myself almost everyday, even though Im 4 months out, I still do. Her words echo in my head. Hard to shake

I agree completely.  Its crazy thinking. It just goes to show how good they at brainwashing us.

I think for many of us it's the desire for control. I know it was in my case. I'm way more comfortable feeling guilty than I am feeling like I have no control over what's happened in my life (because not having control is horribly scary for me). By going "if I had only... .", it puts the power back in my hands instead of it simply being an inevitable that I had no say over. It's one of the issues I have spent the most time working on with my therapist.

i'll sum this up quick:

we took a beach vacation at the 6 month mark of our relationship, when things were amazing between us... .

on the last day, we were walking on the beach, she stops, kneels down, then writes in the sand our names, that she loved me, and huge hearts over the "i"s and around the whole phrase in the sand... .

i looked at her fb about a year ago (about 1.5 yrs after the breakup), and saw the EXACT SAME PHRASE, WORDING, HEARTS ETC, in the sand, with the new dude's name, and it was taken on the EXACT SAME BEACH/CITY


... .from that point on, whenever I have even the least bit of doubt about any part of the outcome, I go back to that picture... .

it doesn't matter what we did, or didn't do, or could've done, etc. ... .we are placeholders for them, expendable and replaceable in every way... .everyone who interacts with these people will suffer the same fate as we have!

It's pretty wild how many of us are in the exact same boat.  I'm right there with you.  I play the bargaining game way too much.  And I know full well that the only way any of this makes any sense whatsoever is through the lens of BPD.  If you take the BPD glasses off, you can't make heads or tails out of anything. Relationships don't end they way ours ended.  It's very hard to believe and buy into that when all we've known for the passed however long has been that how partner's needs are our responsibility.  

Whoa. That's crazy.

I do the same thing, peiper. Sometimes it's hard to remember what all PD entails. It's true though, when you're dealing with BPD, you never win. The more I think about it, the more scary it is. To think that entire year and half I was dealing with a monster (not referring to my ex, but the disease) and never even knew it. What's even scarier, is the thought of what was going on inside thir heads during the time we were with them. We probably only saw a fraction of the battle. The brain is a powerful thing... .

I forget too that hes not normal, and will never care.

I dont know if i try to forget i dont think we can. But rather i try to let the thoughts go as i start thinking of her. I thankfull she didnt turn me completly to stone before she left.

Mine devastated me. Im not what or who I used to be. 4 months out and slowly getting back to a somewhat normal life. Every now and again I find myself thinking about the r/s and crack to pieces... .