BPDFamily.com

Wow... .my life may be changing soon.  I have been married to my wife for a little over a year... .and was introduced today to BPD... .and the info I'm finding online are possibly going to change my life and I hope her... .if she is willing to "go there".  My question is what are best practices for me to introduce this issue without her doing the blaming me  thing or... .she's not worth anything etc conversation

Thanks in advance

Hello, bmpdad &  *welcome*

I'm so glad you've found us, and have been checking out the links to the right-hand side of this page and learning what you can  *)

The general consensus around here is to not mention your hunch about your wife having BPD traits; learning what we can about the disorder and the communication tools that can help us deal with our loved one better can do wonders. Telling our loved one that we think he/she has a personality disorder seldom goes over well... .I would suggest that you check out this Article: PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0) before you mention anything to her. Also, this is a great primer for a newcomer: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0), as well as this link: Supporting your BPD partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0).

Hang around, bmpdad and read all you can, and tell us more of your story so we can help you with this journey 

Hi bmpdad -

Rapt's advice is very good here.  This is a thorny issue.  You ask how you can tell your wife and have it go over well.  My experience is that is an impossible task, because it is guaranteed to not go over well no matter how you frame it.  You are better off trying to get her to see a therapist and letting the therapist offer a diagnosis.  But getting her to see a therapist is also a very difficult task, because you are implying that you think something is wrong with her.  Most people don't take those accusations well, especially those people with BPD.

Has your wife ever seen a therapist or counselor for any reason?  Do you think she would be open to that idea?  Some people are so stubborn against it, and things have to get really bad before they consider that route.  I think the best approach is to wait for the right time, when she is really down for some reason, and then gently suggest that *maybe* she could see a counselor to talk about the emotions she is experiencing.  I would suggest doing tons of reading here about validation tools before you try that route.  There are ways of framing that suggestion of therapy in a validating way that help lessen the blow.

I should add that from my own experience, a BPD diagnosis won't solve the problem.  My wife has been diagnosed BPD over and over, and over the course of decades by multiple doctors, and her behavior is very much still classic BPD.  And despite the numerous diagnoses, if anyone, a friend, family member, or me bring up her diagnosis as the reason she acts and feels the way she does, she gets extremely defensive and rages.  So while she has been diagnosed, and accepts the diagnosis, she still receives any mention of BPD as others blaming her for problems, and all hell breaks loose. 

My advice is to focus on yourself, learn as much as you can, and let your wife's mental health issues be her problem.

The only way I got my husband to counseling is that I told him I wanted to improve our communication. He was sure I was setting him up to divorce him. Couples counseling was pretty ineffective in my opinion because he thought every time we went that I was just trying to dump on him. However it did help our communication a bit.

Now I'm seeing the same counselor and it's really nice because she's seen his acting out and knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And another positive is that my husband went to a week long residential therapy group (The Hoffmann Process) after a friend recommended it after her experience. I figured there was a good chance he might quit before it was done, but he stuck it out. I think it helped somewhat and he realized that other people have issues too. Sometimes I think he thinks he's the only one who is unhappy. I think doing counseling helped him to be open to this experience.

 

Definitely don't mention it... .

Build up knowledge and wisdom about this... and maybe at some point in the future... the consensus may be that it is time to bring it up.