BPDFamily.com

Is it guilt? Shame?  

My exBPD broke up with me 5 months ago, and what was initially bittersweet turned sour after I confronted her about badly she had treated me during our 2.5 years together. I was instantly raged at, discarded, and blocked from her life.

Since then she has gone out of her way to avoid seeing me. The one time she saw me, she literally ran in the opposite direction and hid until I was presumably out of sight. She has dumped my belongings on my front porch on two separate occasions when I was out of town, without contacting me beforehand (I wrote a separate post about this). And just 2 weeks ago she suddenly unblocked me on Facebook - presumably to make sure we don't end up going to the same events together.

Why do they insist on making everything awkward like this? Does seeing me remind her of what she's lost? Of how unstable of a person she is? Does she feel guilty about hurting me? I just want to be cordial to each other. The community we live in is small, so we're going to run into each other at SOME POINT. I just find this whole thing insane and unnecessary.

Some of it is down to shame.

My BPD knew that she had hurt people,  she told me on some occasions and that she hated herself for it etc.

But they can't face/handle that truth on any consistent basis although it is in there knawing at them.

Some of it is fear too,  if you have sustained nc or moved on then they have no control over you and BPD hate not having control.  And they are paranoid so they may fear you confronting them etc.

It's a funny old thing,  mine does that hiding thing from me when I'm painted black then pretends it didn't happen when I'm painted white haha

As for it being insane. Well BPD are not sane my friend.

Don't forget:  things are black or white.  You're great or horrible, in her eyes.

It's guilt/shame.  They don't want to deal with the mess they KNOW they made. 

PwBPD's emotions are so intense.  I think it is a combination of not wanting to deal and cannot actually deal with the guilt/shame. 

Several possibilities, and they're by no means mutually exclusive--

• guilt/shame



• fear (remember, we trigger them now)



• they don't want to or can't deal with our emotions, so they avoid that by not engaging



• we're split black

|iiii

So they can feel shame ? And What is the "fear" we trigger in them?

I remember I used to ask my ex why she never apologized for [insert horrible behaviour towards me here]. Her answer: I don't see the point of apologizing for something I meant at the time.

I never understood this, but I guess it's a symptom of the disorder. And I've given up on ever expecting a thank you for how well I treated her, or a sorry for how poorly I was treated.

Infern0, what caused you to go from split back to white?

Well, I know Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time, so I stopped. So far all contact has been avoided and Im so happy for that. I will be about 7 months NC when Volleyball season kicks in(she coaches my son's HS team) and then Im forced to see her. Im not looking forward to it because Ive changed alot, lost weight, different style, more tats, worked out more and Im trying not to attract attension from her. I dont care if she feels guilt, shame, pain or whatever. I just want to be left alone. If anyone has any tips with which to not fall for any of her BS, Im all ears. I do have a plan of indifference but always looking for help!... .lol

Deeno, I'm so happy for you!  You should feel very proud of yourself and not worry about falling into the trap again. You are growing stronger and more confident every single day and trust in that.  You will protect your happiness, trust in that.   I feel the same as you about my husband and I want to be left alone once I'm out of here. I no longer care about his well-being.  The truth is, he has an enabling family that created him and they can care for him.   I don't want to ever touch that 'dirty' place in my life ever again and although I do worry about triggers from others, I know I am a reasonable woman who can discern between reality and past trauma.  The best tip I can give you Deeno is to be logical and don't deviate from necessary dialogue- keep the discussion very focused on just straight forward comments.   If she wants to create lots of unnecessary conversation, be polite but just say that you have to leave. 

One thing I do very often is role play responses out loud when I'm alone.  I practice how to respond to certain situations so that it becomes second nature to me and I don't get emotionally triggered. 

 

Thanks Leaving! I do the same. Im sure the people at the stop light think Im certifiable, talking to myself. But yeah, it does help! Im preparing for it. So far so good though. 4 months out and not a sighting or any contact! Fingers crossed!

A common characteristic of pwBPD are intense feelings of anger followed by shame and guilt.  The fear that we trigger in them is abandonment.   They associate abandonment with them being "bad." 

The response your ex gave you is a good glimpse into their emotional dysregulation, how it lasts for a relatively short period of time. 

Many of pwBPD do not overtly apologize for their behavior.   

Eagle JUJU

we talk about fear, abadement, deregulation  etc , why do they prefer to go through all that while with a replacement ,

instead of coming back and get treatment with someone that know them better ?

There are individual differences that can be factored into a certain situation. I cannot answer that all pwBPD act a certain way, since it is a spectrum disorder.  Although, from a generalized perspective, it has to do with them "dissociative splitting" and devaluing the partner.  It is a coping mechanism, where it is easier for a pwBPD to avoid the negative feelings associated with that partner.  Instead of coping with the intense feelings associated with that partner, they seek a new one. 

Makes a lot of sense ... .

Here  am five months out NC , 12 days NC waiting on a validation , yes you were right !

But it seems that I am not going to get it or is it still early or she is just gone for ever and am  still have hope ,

this is how I feel today , I don't know what tomorrow will bring .

I am in a company with another girl , but she knows am not ready , I feel, I can't wait for her to go home which's today .

I really can't have a relation or even sex relation with someone else , why is that ?

I guess in this respect, we are doing our ex's a favour by keeping NC... so they can continue avoiding the truth.

Part of me dislikes this since I really wish they could feel as hurt as they have hurt us, but I know that's a bit selfish.

You  still have not detached from your ex. 

NC is for you to heal and work on yourself .  It has nothing to do with them.  We cannot control or change their behavior.  They can only do that themselves.  PwBPD do feel hurt and other negative emotions on a constant basis.  Their emotional sensitivity is a cause for many of their behaviors. 

I agree , every case is different ,it  depends on what and where in life we are .

It's the phase I am .

In my case I invested five years , others more , married , children , none of that applies to my ex .

How can I detach ? Looks like NC is ok but not doing the job ?

Should I go back to LC since I didn't hear from her ?

please help clear my mind ?

Have you read the lessons--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->?

I cannot make the decision for you to either continue being NC or LC.  That decision depends on your feelings and what you seek to gain.  With that being said, I do understand the desire to want to continue contact.  On the other hand, to truly heal, you have to stop making the wound worse.  NC provides a way to do that.  The journey of NC is not easy and detaching does not happen instantaneously, rather it is a process of discovery and healing. 

Thanks Eagles, you've been very helpful and insightful!  |iiii  I still can't wrap my head around being discarded after how much I did for this person, and I wish they weren't treating me like I never existed   But I guess I can only push on and continue to heal.

looks like sometimes being BPD has it's advantages , you can just go on like nothing happened , resume life with someone else quickly  lol

No hurt nothing , or do you think they hurt too and think of us ?

I think they hurt from time to time, but find ways of burying the hurt so they don't feel it. Burying it = not acknowledging they caused the misery that they now can't stand.

Hang in there.  

When my bf left, that was the hardest part for me to cope with was his avoidance. It really triggered my own abandonment issues.  I knew the rational reason why he was behaving that way, but my emotions took over.  He even told me that he was avoiding me because, talking to me made him really upset.  Still my emotions eclipsed the logical reasons.  It took some time but, I finally balanced my emotional and logical thoughts.  I realized that his behavior had nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism.  That really helped me in my healing process.    

They do feel hurt. Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT and former sufferer of BPD) states,

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

Did your bf ever come back into your life, Eagles? I think part of me holds out hope that me and my ex can be on neutral terms one day because we went through so much together. but the more time that passes the more futile I think my hope is.

Currently, he is still in my life from a distance.  I understand the hope that you hold on to.  Especially with all that you have been through together. Time and NC do help you gain a different prospective on your situation.  I went NC to heal myself and to focus on my own issues.   

That is a good way to heal , I agree knowing them they do react this way not they don't want us but for them not to be hurt  "behavior  Has nothing to do with me and was used a defense mechanism "

Why would you want to subject yourself to this all over again? Especially when you haven't healed from this time... .

I am unsure who you are referring this to.

I'm guessing this was for me?

I think I have too much sympathy for the abuse my ex went through as a child, so I have been overly accommodating because of this. At the same time I am slowly starting to realize that the whole thing is/has been destructive for me, even if we ended up being friends only (I have no interest in getting back together). I'm still healing, but slowly the realizations are coming to me.

I'm one of those people who hates cutting people out of my life unless they have done something unforgivably drastic. I'm too nice and am often treated like a doormat - I know it's a problem. But it makes me feel like our time together wasn't a waste if we don't cut each other out completely, if that makes any sense.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having sympathy for your ex.  I actually think it helps you depersonalize her behavior. Essentially, you stop blaming yourself for behaviors that are a result of her illness. 

I hate cutting people out of my life too.  I let people walk all over me as well, because I had little or no boundaries. This is something that I am still working on.   

"I think I have too much sympathy for the abuse my ex went through as a child, so I have been overly accommodating because of this. At the same time I am slowly starting to realize that the whole thing is/has been destructive for me, even if we ended up being friends only (I have no interest in getting back together). I'm still healing, but slowly the realizations are coming to me.

I'm one of those people who hates cutting people out of my life unless they have done something unforgivably drastic. I'm too nice and am often treated like a doormat - I know it's a problem. But it makes me feel like our time together wasn't a waste if we don't cut each other out completely, if that makes any sense.[/quote]
"


I have a lot of sympathy for my husband.  It breaks my heart that he is so broken that he cannot help himself.  I think there is a part of him that wants desperately to heal but the angry and fearful child in him rules his personality.  It angers me that both of his parents caused his problems by abusing and neglecting him as a child.  However, I also know that investing my time and energy in trying to help him had become self defeating.  I've been a pollyanna for far too long and it's really hurt my well being and future.  I'd give anything if our outcome had been different but it is what it is and I ran out of emotional resources to deal with our problems related to his disorder.  Life is tough enough and his adding all the unnecessary drama made me realize that I had to put myself first.  I am the only person who can save me.

Our time in these relationships can be difficult but it can also serve a much greater purpose.  I've learned a lot about myself, how I got into this relationship and why and I am even stronger and wiser now.  I can't help but feel that it was necessary for me to go through this in order to prevent even worse with someone in the future.  At least I've grown and made progress and even better, I am no longer trapped in my mother's mirror ( she has NPD/BPD) thanks to my husband and our marriage.  

You never did something wrong. I just didn't want to be reminded about the fact that I'm f****d up. You were seriously the best thing that somehow happened in my life, and I do really f****g miss that, to be perfectly honest. Like REALLY bad. Which is mostly why I cut you out in the first place - I was trying to forget about you so I wouldn't have to remember what being f****d up made me lose.

Guilt & Shame. It's a form of extreme damage control.

They are 100% aware that you're a solid person. They are 100% aware that they will eventually ruin the relationship. They know how intense their emotions are. They pretty much have to run away to avoid endless depression.

Why does it end with maximum hostility? No idea. Why are they dating someone else by the end of the week? No idea. Why are a bunch of false accusations made against you? No idea. And because we have no idea how to explain behavior that a rational person would not exhibit, we label it a disorder.

Yep. Thats why Im in therapy still after 4 months. Boy, what a train wreck. Good news is Im sorting it out... .|iiii

Silence.  is.  golden.  Ignore and be flatly cordial when forced.  When we are least expecting it they will often do anything and everything in their power to get a reaction from us.  When we react, they've won.  And yes, "won" is the operative word.  it's quite a game of manipulation at all times for them.  The way a normal person might get their fix from a piece of chocolate or snack, a PD is constantly seeking the fix of screwing with someone.  Then they spin around and tell everyone you did something to them or hurt them.  I believe in keeping these things in mind.  I can't wait until I can write that I'm 7 months NC.  I have ZERO desire to be in contact with mine and just recently broke it due to a divorce/realty issue.  Now I'm recovering.  It stinks!

I often feel conflicted about how to view my ex. There's the whole sympathy for the illness she's suffering from. But on the other hand, I can't ignore the horrible way I was discarded like an old worn out shoe. So I feel two opposing emotions, often flipflopping from one day to the next. It's confusing and extremely exhausting.

The longer NC lasts the better I feel. But when I start to feel good, I also feel scared. I guess detachment is a new feeling to get used to.

I hear you Eagles. Setting boundaries is such a struggle for me. I feel rude and selfish by putting a barrier around myself. But maybe it's experiences like this with our exes that help us learn and adapt over time.

"like"

this helps me understand thank you

Hope, I completely agree with your comment about how they need to get their fix of screwing with someone.  My husband is addicted to his anger and when he's not working it off by working or he's not engaging in some other fix like yoga or sugar, he comes after me.  I hate this and I've been dealing with this, this morning.  I didn't react to him but I did fall apart in my closet and began crying.  I feel so alone when this happens.  I feel so afraid and trapped in a very insane part of the world.  It is truly insane.  I got up this morning energized and ready to take on the day and now I feel so utterly depleted and exhausted that I can barely type this post.  If being married to my husband isn't difficult enough, I have a neighbor that has the same or worse disorder and had to call the police last Sunday for protection.  I feel like I'm living in the bowels of hell. 

That I have to agree with. I've always been a guy that likes kidding around and light hearted teasing if I like you. She absolutely could not handle it, she seemed to take it to heart that I was actually holding a bad opinion of her.

Same with mine. I like to interact with flirtatious kidding. I could not do so with her. She would take offense to everything I would say (even though it wasn't offensive at all). Me: "Your butt makes those pants look good". Her: "You don't like these pants?"