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I went on a 5 days trip with a coworker girl, the rip was awesome, no physical contact as it wasn't the idea per se, but realized at some point that this woman made me feel emotions I haven't felt from a long long time. After we got back 2 weeks ago I felt big cruch on her, went on an emotional rollecoaster, lost my zen, tried to reach to her, asked her out and got rejected. Old long gone phantoms arouse in my mind, those phantoms of my uBPDex. At work it was difficult to talk to her so all of my comunication was via sms (lame... .)  but it was like the only way I could reach to her. Allways nice to me on her responses but distant at the office.

Turmoil of emotions, came back to bpdfamily after 5 years, posted a bit, found advice. 

Began a huge inner work on myself, almost lost it, I went back to the place I used to live, I told to myself this life is over, it is no longer your life.

I realized i've been hiding all this 5 years, went to work, back to home, out with friend from time to time, but basically hidden from the world. This trip started a flame inside me, I am terrified of it but dont want it to burst and go back hidding from the world.

I behaved with this woman as a wuss, something I've been dealing lately, I've have even mentioned it with my T from time to time, but never got deeper into it. That I have to become a man.

I came across a post yesterday and somewhere in it te FOG word arouse and I got a 'click' inside my mnd. Like yeah! It's FOG.

I read somewhere else, you've been through a lot, any rejection or reaction would be a piece of cake.

Daily I say to my self for 5 minutes, 'I am completely independent of the good or bad opinions of others' I need to work on not being such a people (well) specially a woman pleaser.

I acted as a wuss, not knowing what to do, not feeling a man, but if one was able to live through a BPD experience, ending it and comming out alive. The hell I am a MAN!

This experience also showed me that I was being a wuss, to needy, and after all this last rejection wasn't as bad as I though if would be. It's like o.k. I tried to, but thigs didn't happen, now have to see what I did wrong that wasnt my true self and work on that.

Now I have to see her daily on the office, that will test my temper.

I now start to undersand what my T has told me for maybe... 5 years, you have to focus on yourself. You have to be ok with you, do the things you like and focus on you.

In this trip in which I didn't expect nothing to happen, everything happened, it came to move my whole foundations around. I think in reality what happened was a WAKEUP! Some kind of awakening in me.

All the office knew I went with her on this trip, at some point that was a big issue with me, low self esteem, playing where everyone has your eyes on you, a big stress for me. If i failed somewhere else noone will notice, here all my ideals of the self are at stake, but at least today at this very moment is I don't give a damn!

One thing has been clear in my mind since the begining, nothi about this is er fault nor on her. It's all about me, the way I feel, what moved me, etc... .

Thank you all for reading me and letting me vent.

Today i'm fine, tomorrow I don't know, but a day at a time.