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Not only do I hope I never again see or hear from my ex but Ive realized that I'm actually kind of scared of him. I don't think he would ever hurt me physically, but I know how capable he is of hurting me emotionally. He's told me he hates me and I know he thinks I'm a terrible person…... .Which is fascinating as it is not only untrue but he has no rational reason to feel that way because I was nothing but nice to him. I can count on one hand the times I was not nice to him or said something hurtful, and always gave a sincere apology afterwards. Always the "bigger person"…... .Anyways, for some reason I feel intimidated at the thought of him. I guess it's because I know how well he can manipulate me and how vulnerable I felt, and probably would still feel around him. If I saw him I would instantly become extremely nervous, uncomfortable, and probably sick to my stomach. I told my counselor about that realization this evening and he said I have some post traumatic stress from the abuse. It was a little overwhelming to hear this. He gave me some information on cognitive distortions that he said could help.

Have any of you been diagnosed with PTSD due to the abuse you endured- or if not diagnosed at least pointed out that you have some of the symptoms?


Sidenote: On my way home I realized that much of this Taylor Swift song reminds me of my former relationship and exw/BPD.

"Blank Space"



Nice to meet you, where you been?

I could show you incredible things

Magic, madness, heaven, sin

Saw you there and I thought

Oh my God, look at that face

You look like my next mistake

Love's a game, wanna play?

New money, suit and tie

I can read you like a magazine

Ain't it funny, rumors fly

And I know you heard about me

So hey, let's be friends

I'm dying to see how this one ends

Grab your passport and my hand

I can make the bad guys good for a weekend

So it's gonna be forever

Or it's gonna go down in flames

You can tell me when it's over

If the high was worth the pain

Got a long list of ex-lovers

They'll tell you I'm insane

'Cause you know I love the players

And you love the game

'Cause we're young and we're reckless

We'll take this way too far

It'll leave you breathless

Or with a nasty scar

Got a long list of ex-lovers

They'll tell you I'm insane

But I've got a blank space, baby

And I'll write your name

Cherry lips, crystal skies

I could show you incredible things

Stolen kisses, pretty lies

You're the King, baby, I'm your Queen

Find out what you want

Be that girl for a month

Wait, the worst is yet to come, oh no

Screaming, crying, perfect storms

I can make all the tables turn

Rose garden filled with thorns

Keep you second guessing like

"Oh my God, who is she?"

I get drunk on jealousy

But you'll come back each time you leave

'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Boys only want love if it's torture

Don't say I didn't say, I didn't warn ya

Boys only want love if it's torture

Don't say I didn't say, I didn't warn ya

You betcha I do! I don't think it's uncommon in these relationships at all. And that being sorta scared, I felt like that too for months, but now he just pisses me off! lol

The more you heal and get in touch with the real you rather than the one he tried to make you believe you were, the less power he will seem to hold. Those mind games take time to get past, and gave my uBPDh a look of super-powers to me. He actually looks shorter to me the more healthy I become. Seriously.

Yup diagnosed with PTSD due to abuse. Great. I manage to survive a marriage to a man on the sociopathic spectrum. I do thousands of dollars of counselling to not be code pendant and enmeshed. I date off and on for a decade or so (Nothing very serious or long term). I meet a 'wonderful' man we all consider a blessing in my life. And BOOM he turns out to suffer from BPD. Yup its been a banner couple of years let me tell ya. Oh well 2015 is a fresh start.

Yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD after the BPD relationship.  Like Hope2727, I was in a long abusive relationship till 5 years before the BPD r/s.  Got out, did a lot of work on myself, vowed never, never to let anything like that happen again.

My ex wBPD seemed so incredible safe and secure.  I trusted him deeply.  I think that is the origin of the PTSD for me -- after a long hard sometimes scary journey, to finally reach a safe haven -- only to find it was the opposite of safe, and intensely confusing so I couldn't even be absolutely sure whether I was right in my gut reaction that it was not safe.

You are not alone.I have PTSD and I am being treated for it weekly.I am also on medicine for it.(Zoloft)

As a child my father was a very cruel mentally ill alcoholic.Little did I now that my PTSD started back then.As a boy I lived in a war zone with a lot of violence around me.

Once I ran away from home I joined a street gang and found my love there.Living that lifestyle I was in a war zone.

Then as I got older I seemed to be attracted to woman with serious issues.The relationship would start out wonderful then it became a war zone with lies,cons,secrets,abuse,betrayal,cheating and more hurt.

So I had to live through a lot of abusive destructive relationships in my life.My exBPD/drug abuser is the latest.She did a number on me.I lost 33 lbs and became very sick over what ''real'' was with her.

It was a bizarre trip being with her trying to figure her out.I may never know who she is because she is always plotting and one step ahead of me.She is incapable of telling the truth and is very sneaky.She will lie,cheat and manipulate me.Then comes the projection,distortions and gas lighting me.This nearly drove me INSANE and caused some damage to my soul.

My whole life has led to PTSD.Again I am in treatment for this and actually going today.Be easy on yourself and you are not alone

Kind of. The BPDx still has custody of our child for the time being and that somewhat gives her control/the upper hand in things. I am not afraid of her to the extent i used to be since she is about 7 hours away now but i know she's capable of absolutley anything and that is very unsettling.

Most definitely.

One of the reasons I have a rather strict NC policy and have as little contact with my exwife as every possible is that every it that dealing with her is simply very unpleasant for me. The things that I try avoid may seem very trivial to some people, but in me they trigger of memories all the abuse that she has subjected me to through the years.

I can feel quite OK when I live a life free of her. Just her looking at me, talking to me or approaching me (which she does, because she is desperate to be "friends" with me) gives me the shivers and makes me want to leave the room.

She sent me a letter saying that the thinks of me every day and wonder what I'm doing. I don't ever wonder what she is doing. I try to block her from my mind because thinking of her makes me anxious. I feel good when I don't think about her.

I don't know if I fulfill the formal requirements for a PTSD diagnosis, because I can have an OK life under the right circumstances (a PTSD sufferer suffers immensely even when not exposed to triggers). But I am definitely traumatized.

By the Grace of God... .I am getting better!

PTSD Symptoms, Signs, Causes, DSM Criteria Checklist

www.depressiond.com/ptsd-symptoms/

PTSD: National Center for PTSD

VA » Health Care » PTSD: National Center for PTSD » Public » Is it PTSD? » How to Talk to Your Doctor about Trauma and PTSD

www.ptsd.va.gov/public/assessment/trauma-symptom-checklist.asp

I had PTSD going into the relationship from my time in the military. She never understood the issues that occured from this, although they were not severe by any means. However, my r/s with her during the 16 months did nothing to help. Infact, made it worse, especially the depression. The sad part of this was that I was up front, poured out my heart to her about it and told her how it sometimes affected me. She said she understood. She didnt. Her demands and attitude shattered me even further and never recieved any help from her in dealing with this. It was all my fault, period. All my fault. Everything... .my fault. All about her, not at anytime about me. Just broke me, and still does at times.

Triggers.?... .My PTSD was being triggered hourly by my ExBPDgf.I think if I can continue NC and heal from this I will look back and see her for what she really is and how she new how to push my buttons and my triggers.

I allowed her a lot of power to control my actions and emotions.In the end I allowed her the power to enrage me and ended up in Court and having her put an Order Of Protection on me.

This was her way of continuing the painting me Dark Black and making it appear that I am the crazy one.I screwed up by sending out some threatning texts in my moment of anger.Those texts were used against me and for her ammo.Know she can 100% blame me and play Miss Victim and never ever own anything she has done to me... .That sucks.

I learned a lesson about people ''triggering me''... .I have to count to 10 and learn not to allow people so much power over my emotions and actions.

But seen from the point of view of having been traumatized... .even if my ex would have the best of intentions (this is purely hypothetical) and was being just nice to me, I would still be unable to be in contact with her because of what has happened. I would say that my exwife has far exceeded my expectations when it comes to post-breakup behavior and she is not "pushing buttons" a lot  (my holding a strict NC policy has certainly helped).

What she has done in the past brings on the PTSD-like symtoms and she triggers them just by just showing up. I think it's worth noting when you are in a PTSD-like situation - you don't have to be attacked, manipulated or used. The situation feeds on itself.

Also, in Complex PTSD (for me started in childhood in a chaotic home and poked at by my uBPDh for all our years of marriage) there's a difference. Since we can suffer more of an "emotional flashback" as compared to the actual flashback of a wartime event flashback, we can be triggered by something as small as a tone of voice in another person, or an expression on their face--anything that causes us to FEEL like we did in a previous situation of harm (our BPD's rages, their control issues, etc.) For me, my uBPDh of 38 years would push and push and push in his rages until I couldn't hold on sufficiently to reality and i'd flip back into that small terrified child self when my parents were raging.

Pete Walker has written a great book on the subject of Complex PTSD called (oddly enough) "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."

For me, even being away from my uBPDh didn't keep me from PTSD reactions. i'm still learning how to deal with sounds even that cause me a visceral memory of something from our marriage.

I'm so sorry! One after another? Or even two in a lifetime… what are the chances! I've had a rough couple of years also, so I too am hoping 2015 is better. Are you still with him?

Faith 1520 lol thanks. You gave me a smile on a hard day.

No I met and married my husband many years ago. He deteriorated over our 12 years together until I just had to end it. I spent maybe 3 years in counselling and recovered relatively nicely. Learned to set boundaries and not enable although its a constantly maintained process. I am always reviewing and learning and improving.

I spent the past 10 years or so dating off and on. One semi serious relationship but we ended it relatively peacefully. His bother even friend requested me on Facebook lately so healthy enough. A few other men for short periods of dating but no one that was really suitable to commit to. Built some wonderful friendships with both men and women and ended a career I hated to return to school over this period. Then met the ex fiancé. Two years really good then BOOM the devaluing and dysregulation. Rages and abandonment and threats all in a short period of time. I had no idea what the heck was going on. So off to Goggle I went and discovered BPD. So I guess I am working my way through the personality disorders lol. NOT! But its ok. Both men were truly loved and I regret only that we couldn't work it out.

So now I have graduated with a BSc but can't continue due to various massive changes in my life over the last few years including the fiancé with BPD and financial trials. So back to the evil job. Like literally back to the same office same boss same patients ugg kill me now. Oh well. The boss did slip me $300 for Christmas to thank me for my contribution so I guess that is something. Right onto the Visa that goes.

So yes 2 in a lifetime. I miss them both in their own way. I learned so much from each of them. The sociopath was brilliant as they tend to be. He gave me a passion for learning and a critically thinking mind. He also threatened to killme and burn the house down around me, slept with my sister among others (I'm not kidding), cleaned me out financially and stole my dog. lol the things we endure. The dog thing really ticked me off. The BPD fiancé taught me to be positive, stay calm, be honest (I know its hilarious), appreciate the journey and be more passionate. There are many more things they taught me but that will have to suffice for tonight.

I don't miss the ex husband anymore. I wish I didn't miss the ex fiancee but I do. Someone pls call him and tell him to get his head out of his bum and come home pls. Thanks. 

Yes.  Healing from PTSD for sure.  It's a journey so unique we are forever shaped, our world is forever tilted.

Yeah, basically I randomly feel a sense of terrible dread, along with somatic symptoms, hopelessness and suicidal ideation. My counselor called it PTSD. As messed up as I was before the relationship, this is related directly to it.

I am so sorry things turned out that  way  for you, (and me, too!) We just need to look forward and hope for the best  in 2015. Wish you a Merry Christmas.

So well stated... .

And "a journey so unique we are forever shaped" sounds way better than "abused." lol