BPDFamily.com

Hi all

I would welcome some advice please. It's a long post so apologies in advance.

My UBPDS30 started a new relationship with a young woman in April and moved into her house a few weeks ago. He has always said he does not 'feel' anything in relationships but still apparently feels the need to be in one. He has 2 children, a son 6 and daughter 8,  from two different failed long term live-in relationships.  He has the children together every other weekend and a couple of nights in the week and fortunately they are close to each other and have a strong sibling relationship.

However my son appears to be pretty intolerant of his new girlfriends attitude to his children. I am unsure if she has a PD herself but his girlfriends in the past have always tended to be troubled and with considerable emotional baggage and he has stepped in to 'save' them.  According to my son his new girlfriend is apparently 'over the top' with his children when they are there (his words) and he doesn't like it. He says it is odd for her to pay so much attention to someone else's children.

She has no children of her own, although wants to have some, and has been hurt in past relationships and seems quite needy emotionally. She has said that my son does not cuddle her enough but that is something he is unlikely to do as he does not like to have that type of contact. 

He is definitely switched off emotionally, I can see this in his eyes when I talk to him and it has worsened after each long term relationship breakdown which always leaves him devastated.  I had hoped that, due to the pain he feels when relationships end (each time it was ended by his partner and not him) he would reflect and perhaps see where he may be going wrong but of course BPDs don't do that.

Anyway the children went to him yesterday evening for the weekend.  Late last night I received a text -

How can I tell xxx to back off from the kids, they don't speak to me, come to me or anything... .she's too much with them.

I replied as follows:

Rather than saying anything to her would it not be better just to do things with the children yourself that interest or involve them. Isn't it the things she is doing that make them go to her?

This was his response

Well I can't do a lot when I'm working... .and no I shouldn't have to change my personality for my own children, she's just too much she has bought presents for my  friend girls and she has only met them twice for a total of about 1 hour.

He has always found it difficult to relate to the children at their level.  He is not particularly hands on with reading to them, colouring with them etc.  He does play Skylanders and Disney Infinity games with them as he enjoys this but is not a big kidder, chatter, cuddler etc and I can see why the children go to his girlfriend as she draws, makes things with them and cuddles them.

I'm struggling to know how to respond to him. It is possible that she becomes  involved with his and other people's children as a result of not having any of her own.

I am concerned at my son's comment that he 'should not have to change his personality for his own children'. Actually, if I am honest, I am annoyed as he constantly fails to see what they need from him.

I am worried that these two small children are once again in a difficult environment.

Can anyone give me any pointers please?

Manny thanks

Dibdob

Hi Dibdob-

I can certainly understand your concerns about your grandkids.

I am guessing that your grandkids, when not with your son are with their respective Moms and are not together? If so it must be great for them when their Dad has them since you report that they are close.

My heart aches for these kids... .siblings- close to each other and yet not together during the week. Now they have an adult who is doting on them... .but their Dad isn't happy about it.

I guess I am looking at your son's girlfriend as possibly a very bright spot in these kids lives... .she interacts with them, she cares for them and in the background is your son who you admit isn't very warm and cuddly. You are right- no wonder they gravitate towards the gf.


Sure, that is possible, maybe spot on correct. It might make things harder for herself since she obviously loves kids and doesn't have her own but maybe this really isn't such a bad thing for your grandkids. I've found that when adults truly like kids they are usually great with kids and not everyone has been in situations that are correct for having their own kids. As long as she is good with them and not jerking them around somehow- this sounds like a great situation for them... .except for your son's attitude, worries and concerns.

As you texted him, seems like his jumping in and taking a part of what is going on is what would be best for them. It sounds like he expects them to gravitate towards him when he isn't making himself truly available. He is "resistant" to doing what makes him more attractive since he feels he
Do you think that he can possible hear that his kids are just following what feels natural... .and by his terms, not changing their personalities for their Dad? They like how the girlfriend makes them feel and they are enjoying this feeling. But their Dad is hurt by this. Do you think he can hear that his kids seem happy with this great lady that he has chosen to be a part of his life? Maybe you can express this big PLUS to him in this way, that he did something great for his kids by finding such a kid-centric girlfriend. Maybe you can say something to him like, well maybe it is weird but I feel glad for the kids that you have such a loving person instead of a partner who isn't happy with your custody arrangement.

My BPDSD23 has a lot of issues with jealousy. When I got involved with her Dad, as our relationship progressed she was introduced to my DD who is about 5 years older than SD. They are both "only children" and my DD actually did a lot of Peer counseling to younger kids when she was in high school and college and she was great with kids in DD's age bracket. (when they met DD was 20 and SD was 15)

SD, instead of thinking it was cool to hang around an older kid, instead of trying to get to know my DD, used to tattle on her and snoop through DD's suitcase when she visited.  SD, seemingly, had no idea that when she tattled on my DD that it did nothing to make me like SD more and DD less. BPD's are not exactly known for their "thinking" skills.

SD has also had many, many conflicts with her friends if/when they befriend another person. She wants them all for herself.

I don't know if any of these thoughts will help your situation! I hope your son doesn't drive this lady away... .it really sounds like the kids could thrive with this sort of caring adult in their lives.

Best to you- hope you can enjoy the holidays with these concerns hanging over your head.

Thursday

Hi Thursday

Many thanks for your reply. You summed up the background facts and the current situation very clearly. I am just so unbelievably tired of dealing with this.

I am constantly in fear of what might happen next and so desperately want the grandchildren to gave some small sense of security and peace but I know I cannot control this.

I am definitely walking on eggshells.  I resent it so much but I am unable to get through to my son about how people are simply different and viewing/accepting that fact without judging them is powerful.

Dibdob