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My uBPDw disregulated tonight. I tried to practice JADE but also stated my boundaries.

She was mad because I asked to her to move the couch pillows that she always dumps on my side. Nicely. Sort of in a funny way, saying that I always have to fight with them ( they are big) and I am going to leave them to her to move ( as I am moving some to her side). Not really a big deal or so I thought. It set her off. BIG TIME.

She flipped out and said " I don't want to be in your company right now" and headed upstairs. I said nothing. NO emotion.

In about 30 minutes she came downstairs.

Because she is a toddler having a melt down, I acted like nothing happened and asked if we were going to watch some TV now. At first she said yes and then she came over to where I was sitting and started to rage. She said that she is going to just take her cushions ( well, they are her cushion covers) and I won't have to deal with them anymore; that I can buy some more and then I won't have to complain about them, bla bla bla and then the name calling started. I told her that I will not be called names and when she is ready to talk to me in a calm manner then we can talk. She began taking the pillows out of the covers and throwing them on the floor.

I went into the kitchen and got my cord for my computer and she boxed me in so that I couldn't leave. She kept disregulating, telling me that i am going to listen to her. When I told her that I was not going to discuss anything with her and started to move forward to step aside from her she wouldn't let me and kept pushing me with one hand back to my position. I told her "please stop pushing me, don't touch me" and she said ' YOU ARE PUSHING ME". And I said "WHAT"? And I just stood there and turned my body to the side and would not look at her as she went on and on.

Finally she let me pass and as I was going upstairs to retreat, she called me quite a bad name. I told her that she is very emotionally unstable and she gives me a headache.

She wanted me to lose my cool, get upset, argue with her and give her a reason so that she could play the victim. I didn't.

I feel like this was a bit of a personal victory for me on one hand because I tried to practice some things that I learned. I didn't rage back at her. It felt like a one sided emotional breakdown. I didn't get caught up in it this time. Yet I do feel that my boundaries were violated. I didn't like her pushing me and getting in my face and calling me names.

I could have called the police.

I thought I would get it all down before I forget some details. I tend to block things out these days to the point that I can't remember what she even raged about. My therapist said that it is typical of someone being abused.

Hi michel71,

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. I can relate with borderline rages. I would JADE ( I know now you're not supposed to do that ) A rage is an emotional cleansing. The tools won't work. It's best to leave the situation until she calms herself down and not subject yourself to that behavior. I hope that helps.

Rage is often the result of pent-up anger/fear that has not been dealt with... .often because it in directed toward "self" or a target that is feared.

When a "safe" external target comes along, no matter how tiny it can trigger the release, which is often out of proportion to the triggering event.

Often the rage is directed at loved ones as they are convenient, deeply affected (greatest satisfaction of release), and the most likely to be tempered with their response because they love the person.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92543.0)

Hey michel71, Sure my BPDxW used to block the doorway frequently, to the point that I refused to remain in a room w/her unless I had an exit.


Agree w/the above quotations cited by Mutt.

"Out of proportion to the triggering event" is an understatement.  I used to complain about getting "crucified" for minor slip-ups.

I'm sorry to learn what you are going through.  Those w/BPD will trample all over your boundaries, so be prepared to leave the room, leave your home, whatever it takes to remove yourself from the situation. Sad to say, I kept an overnight bag in my car for nights when she became triggered to an extreme.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

Yes, the BPDx used to do this to me over and over again. Usually after screaming at me to leave then when i tried to do so she would physically block me, often times pushing and swinging at me in the process. On the ocassions i did manage to get her out of the way and run out she would throw whatever she could get a hold of in my direction.

One night I went for a walk when she was raging and returned to find my business clothes in a pile on the front lawn . . .

Sorry that you are going through this Michel... .I know that it doesn't seem like much consolation, but you are still together with a possibility of working things out. I know it doesn't solve your problem but I am someone who wishes that such a possibility existed... .I am left to only guesses.

I did find it interesting that she tried to PULL you into the fray by making you angry so that she could play the victim. Mine tried to do that as well but I was not buying. While she did calm down, I wonder if it REALLY pissed her off because she could not use the technique as a control method.

I'm learning... .

Why just your business clothes do you suppose?

How sad... .the very people that they can count on to help them to bear their emotional burdens. It is SO illogical.

So: what does SHE feel about the breakup? Is she sobbing her way thorugh the night or does she have as much regard for me as a used kleenex?

Hey JRT, You cracked me up with that one (above)!  For some strange reason, she grabbed everything that was on a hanger in my closet (mostly business clothes) to be dumped on the front lawn.  My casual clothes were folded in my bureau and escaped this rude treatment . . .

LJ

So it was only because that was what was nearest? I wondered if there were some symbolic dynamic to it. :-)

LOL, she did something similar to me but with random clothing of mine, not specifically business.

She also once went through all my "going out" shirts and sliced the back of each with a razor blade. About 10 or so shirts in total.

Could have been symbolic, but probably just more dramatic to throw suits and dress shirts into a pile on the grass!  LOL!  Funny to look back and laugh, though not fun at the time.  LuckyJim

The odd thing is, destroying property of others seems cathartic for a pwBPD, after which they experience an emotional release, in my experience.  Same could be said for punching a hole in the wall, breaking down a door, smashing china or throwing a wine bottle (at me!).  LuckyJim

When I read my original post I was horrified to read my mis-statement that I had "practiced JADE". What I meant to say of course was that I practiced NOT resorting to JADE! LOL.

Thanks to everyone for your good comments. There hasn't been much raging lately.