Title: It still hurts... Post by: sidmoumane on December 20, 2014, 06:16:49 PM Been married almost 15 years. Last two-separated. We have three children together. He has now disappeared. I've held on this long because I loved him. I tried not to focus too much on him. I rebuilt my life by going back to university and qualifying to teach. I am now a teacher and a single mum. That keeps me busy enough. I've looked to let go of the past, but it still hurts. He is the only person I have truly loved- even with his flaws.
I battle constantly with an inner voice that tells me I am not good enough. It's been two years since the separation. I still can't disconnect. I still feel intense pain even though I know he is BPD with highly narcissistic tendencies. I wonder if he will ever reconnect and ask myself why I would even want that. When your own self worth becomes connected to their actions it's a sorry state of affairs. I wonder if I will ever wake up feeling happy and free again. I can't look at happy couples without feeling pain. I cry when lyrics of songs touch my heart. I just want to be free. But I don't know how to. Sorry if this message doen't read well. Been going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Just to find the strength to write on this forum feels too much. It's been a very long time since I last posted because I so wanted to move on. Title: Re: It still hurts... Post by: EaglesJuju on December 20, 2014, 08:24:56 PM I am sorry that you are hurting sidmoumane It is really difficult going through the healing process.
I know that inner voice all too well. My self-worth was connected to my pwBPD's actions. I looked to him to validate my self-worth and all I seemed to get back was confusion. It was inner hell for me. I realized the only way I could fix this was to fix me. I started thinking what makes me feel good about myself? What makes me happy? Then I started getting down to my own core issues and started depersonalizing his behavior. I think it is great that you started rebuilding your life by going back to school and qualifying to teach. |iiii That is a huge accomplishment Have you read the lessons on the right side? That is a great way to start working on yourself. What can you see yourself working on first? Title: Re: It still hurts... Post by: Tibbles on December 21, 2014, 02:45:33 AM Recovering is a long hard process and it really hurts. It seems like 2 steps forward and 6 back at times. Keep working at it and you will find you do move on and become free. I too stop posting and then come back. I have really worked on understanding myself and that has helped the most. I've stopped (well sort of) focusing on my ex and focused on what I bought to the relationship and what I bring to all relationships in my life, my baggage that I carry. That focus has helped the most to give me peace and freedom. Hang in there x x x
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