BPDFamily.com

Another observation I've made in my relationship is around their abandonment fears and the roller coaster ride that comes with it.

exBPDw, would have rages, I would back away not knowing how to deal with it only for her to become "nice" I think we are past something and get close only to walk into what felt like a trap. The more it happened, the more I just wanted away and the worse things got.

BPDgf, I've held some of my boundaries, though not always great in doing that at times. Finding out she wanted to leave the other week hurt a lot. Instead of arguing about it (I don't argue) I simply told her I loved her and wanted her to be happy and if that was how she felt, she can walk away without any guilt. The very next day she was back again because it wasn't what she wanted and said things had changed over the past couple of months ( I was gravely ill in hospital, my daughter lost her grandfather and uncle within the space of a month, a build up of stress at work with tight deadlines) and I agreed with her that things had been a little different.

From my perspective, my mind was elsewhere and given that most of the year was made up supporting her issues I thought (maybe unfairly) that in a relationship you support each other through the tough times. Seems that when the focus was moved away from her, she was ready to run. Gave her the option to run and she wanted to stay. Accepted where we were and enforced some boundaries and she was off running again. Packed up her things from my apartment as I didn't know if she was staying or going and she was devastated. The past couple of weeks have hit home to her that I'm not going to abandon her but that I'm also not going to put up with some of the behaviours.

Dealt with my own things over the past 2 weeks but always made sure I let her know at some point through the day that I'm still there and I care. It started back with the occasional text, then came the phone calls, not once has she acknowledged my feelings towards her but it's all about her and where she is in her head right now. I validate her feelings, let her know I'm proud of her accomplishments and bit by bit the trust is being rebuilt. Wouldn't say normal because these r/s aren't normal and I know that if I didn't have a level of co-dependency or being a "white knight" I would have left a long time ago, not because I didn't care about her but because I care about my own well being.

A stark realisation I had today (and is something that has been touched on this site) is that when I address her in the same way I would do my children, she has a far more positive response. I'm not saying I speak to her like she is a child, I mean in ways of how I validate her and let her know I'm proud of her accomplishments, even when it's something like putting in a washing load.

Now in terms of the same treatment a replacement will get, it's down to him whether he is wanting a healthy adult relationship or if he is prepared to have a relationship with an adult that sometimes behaves like a child as to what he will put up with and what he won't. I found with exBPDw that I often sunk to her level and looking back, again it was like 2 children squabbling in a playground. With BPDgf, I try and maintain that adult stance. It's tiring and exhausting at times and I know for a fact that same treatment has been displayed to her previous relationships, they just handled it a little differently to how I have which is why I've lasted as long as I have. Doesn't mean it won't end the same way though eventually, it might or it might not.