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There’s something I need to talk about. It really isn’t that much about my exBPDgf but more about myself. Why I made all of this happen. Yeah, true. I made it happen. I knew from the beginning that she was disordered. I knew about the BPD and I guess that’s the reason why I wanted to get together with her so badly in the first place. Sounds insane, right? Yeah, well. Sometimes I even think I’m an vulnerable narcissist and got together with her because I wanted to feel good about myself. You know, like in saving her… Ugh. It feels so weird.

When I met her a year and a half ago in my new sport’s team we didn’t like each other. I mean, we never spoke in the first place but there was some weird tension between us, so the first months we couldn’t stand each other. I knew she felt the same because when we were in a relationship already we talked about this weird tension and she felt exactly the same.

Yet I was drawn to her from the beginning. And I kid you not, I don’t lie when I say that even when I never had seen her in real life before but only in a team photo from their website (I wanted to change the sport’s team so I went on every website of every sport’s team in my area) I knew that something was off with her and I knew that I wanted to get to know her. That wasn’t the reason I chose this team, don’t get me wrong. What I want to tell you is that from the beginning I felt like being summoned, like being under a siren’s spell. You know what I mean, right?

Then I went to practice and boom, we didn’t like each other. And do you know why? Because she felt threatened she would lose her role as the shy and silent intellectual in the team – because I am like that as well, we are very similar in some way but then again so different in another. Anyway. On the one hand I couldn’t stand her, thought she was being very arrogant and withdrawn but then again I did understand her behaviour, maybe it was projection on both sides that made us dislike each other (I don’t have BPD, I am a highfunctioning asperger and I know about the problem being called arrogant and withdrawn… I also grew up with a BPD-mother and sister… so I guess that’s why I was projecting).

I’m a very self-reflected human being and therefore I just told myself: „There is a reason behind the dislike towards her. Don’t be so arrogant and stupid. Open up to her.“ And I did. And it was just a smile, some motivational words to her in a match and some joke and suddenly she opened up as well. It felt like she was hooked from that point on (I didn’t want her to be hooked! I actually just wanted this bad tension to go away). And that’s when the whole story began.

As I said before, I grew up in a BPD-surrounding and even though I am an asperger and people might say aspergers are not able to emphasize that’s wrong. I do emphasize with people who have similar traits like the people I used to grow up with because that’s what I know.

Right before I opened up to her  a bit and started smiling at her I saw her cuts fort he first time. And this made me want to open up to her even more. It’s disgusting, right? How could something like that made me want to be with her so badly? When I think about it now I feel so disgusted about myself and her… It’s like looking at it from some neutral perspective. I always knew about the things she did. Cutting, starving, binging, drinking too much alcohol, burning herself with cigarettes… I always knew and it always was okay. I never thought about it because I knew already she was disordered. But only now I get these weird moments when I have some thoughts like „She cuts herself regularly. Ewww.“ etc. It’s like looking at it isolated. It’s like I never knew that she did it but only discovered it now. But she always did and I always knew. But only now I can see how bad this is.

At one point she even told me that I should run as fast as I can because she’d only hurt me. When we were broken up she even told me „I hope someday you can hate me for all the things I did to you.“ But I sticked around anyway.

I knew from the beginning and I let it happen anyway. And I didn’t only bring harm to myself but also to her. I enabled her. I feel so bad about it. It’s not that I’m still having feelings for her romantically. ANd don’t get me wrong, I won’t justify her abuse or something BUT I could’ve stayed out o fit from the beginning.

I guess I’m just a very masochistic human being who likes to save people so I can feel good about myself. I don’t know. But that’s not right. I genuinely had feelings for her. I felt for her in a deep way.

In the end the abuse was my fault. She abused me but I made it happen in the first place. So technically I abused myself. What does that make me? Maybe I’m even more disordered as she is and I only brought out the worst in her because of that. Sometimes I really am afraid that I’m an vulnerable narcissist. I don’t want to get back together with her, no, I don’t want to be friends with her again. I want her out of my life. But I can’t shake the guilt off. I could’ve spared us both lots of pain and I didn’t.