BPDFamily.com

I’ve not posted for many months. Over 25 years with my BPDw and I’ve finally given up the battle trying to outlast the demons. I bought the lie that I was a worthless human being. I bought the lie that the emotional chaos, the affairs and years of drug abuse were my fault. I stayed for my children, for her, and based on moral obligation enduring decades of despair. They were my choice and I blame no one.

I believed for a long time that I could not be in a healthy relationship without taking a lot of time to find myself. To that end, I avoided emotional entanglement with others and focused on my business while trying to manage through my BPDw’s high and lows at home. A wildcard forever altered my life…and I can’t seem to go back.

I met someone on another support forum. Over time we became friends encouraging each other in our relationships. However, over many months it changed and we were no longer talking about the relationships. E-mails turned into phone calls; phone calls to video calls. A thousand messages, a hundred hours of voice/video calls; and it changed. What started as friendship based on honesty sharing personal details turned into much more.  We gave up secrets, flaws and weakness about ourselves and it was alright….without the fear of punishment.

About five months ago she left her home. She’s not been back. Two months ago I traveled to meet her. I needed to sweep away the visions we had created about who the other might be. Booking an open return I expected we might not make it for long before she would send me packing. The opposite happened. After a week together I was a wreck inside having to leave the beautiful human being that I had finally met in person.

It’s been almost two months since I returned home. I will be out of it in a month.

I’m in love with a woman that lives a very long way from me. We don’t quite know how it’s going to work. But, we know we want to try in spite of the accumulated junk and the distances we have to contend with. I will head back in a month.The following month, I’ll bring her to where I live for a long visit. It’s not easy…but we only know what we know right now. A two month separation seems to have strengthened our resolve to be together.

What else are we to do at this point? Neither of us wanted this.

Are we damaged people finding commonality in a shared experience rebounding from years of accumulated junk; and, therefore should walk away giving ourselves time to heal?

Or; could we be two loving people that found each other, are not nearly so damaged as we thought; and, much better at giving and sharing without fear knowing how precious a gift it is?

It’s nuts…but where we find ourselves at present. We know the odds are against us.