BPDFamily.com

Holidays can be a lonely. If you're alone, bored, have questions, or just plain need to vent. There is no particular point of this thread except for members to support each other on this holiday. I'll be around for a couple hours. Post away!

Hey Fred,

I'm finding peace, lots of it.  Months ago and this summer I thought I would never stop shattering and crying.  I thought I would never smile or feel joy again.  All I wanted to do was read and learn about the personality disordered person that had just discarded me so cruelly.

I'm starting to smile again, and laugh on my own - either something on tv, something I've read, or just life in general.  I've even made a few home cooked meals recently and for me, that was monumental healing.  I'm sitting here next to my snoring, farting dog with a blanket keeping my toes warm.  I remember my exBPD being so sweetly always willing to keep my toes warm…but I also remember finding him in bed with another woman, the years of lies, the giant bag full of illegal drugs and the list goes on and on and on.

I'm alone…but at peace…and feeling extremely grateful…for you…this bpdfamily.    

It's actually Christmas day where I am.

I'm on my own today but feeling alright,  just been working out a nutrition plan and workout schedule which is productive.

I've caught myself ruminating a little bit.  I'm kind of frustrated that she's likely enjoying Christmas day with the replacement she was cheating on with me a month ago (he doesn't know) It just annoys me a little bit how she's likely putting on her act enjoying herself while not even that long ago we were planning our Christmas together and were going to go overseas and visit my relatives.

But alas ruminating is not healthy

I have my sister and niece over tonight and l still feel very lonely.  I am missing my ex alot and keep thinking of him with my replacement opening presents in the morning with his son. I know in my head it was not all the great but I guess I am remembering it better then it was lol I texted him earlier to say Merry Christmas and he answer pleasantly but to the point

I've already cried once. It hit me yesterday she hadn't sent me the Xmas picture card of her and her kids this year, the first time in 9 years. I bit my sister's head off earlier today and had to apologize. I don't mask my feelings well, but I've got to do it tomorrow. Don't want to ruin everyone else's day.

And I'm wondering if she's thinking about me and remembering our times together in the past. We always celebrated after Christmas. New Years was our big deal. I suspect she'll be with the new guy this year with her kids. And just a year ago she was a lesbian. Merry Christmas to me... .

Feeling down,  feeling like I failed my best friend that I fell in love with,  feel like I have been used, feel lied to and cheated on,  feel like even though I am with family that I know loves me I can't feel it,  I feel stronger that it's over,  I feel like I still want to help her,  I feel like I need to stay away from her, I feel like I want to be with her, I feel like all I should focus on is my children, I feel like I am healing slowly, I feel like pushing forward and do not have the energy to do so, but most of all I feel happy I know why I have my feelings.

Well, you're not alone Hope0807, even on Christmas Eve. You have this community. There are so many members that are alone right now. We're all in this together, regardless of our personal circumstances. I'm so glad that you are doing better. Keep working and it will get easier and easier.

Hey my old buddy Infern0. Hope you been doing well. Yeah, the ruminating will get ya. But it's normal for us. I'm right there with ya, I do it too. But realize that the way forward is in you. You're here, and and we all have your back.

I'm central time US. Where are you?

Merry Christmas Infern0       

In my opinion, you did the right thing wishing him a Merry Christmas. It's the right thing to do. But now deal with yourself. I know it's lonely, but you're strong and you'll be OK. Take care of yourself.

I'm full of anxiety right now as my expwBPD invited me to come over on Xmas eve to spend time with my son and her two girls I raised for years. I haven't really hung with her since the b/u buts it's like being around a total stranger. It makes me sad. I keep catching crap as well about the replacement and how happy she is. *sigh I came for the kids and I'll leave with more shame put on me.

Confusing isn't it? I completely understand what you are conveying. Your feelings are completely normal. Step back and understand that your ex is wired differently than you. You haven't failed anyone except yourself. You're on the Leaving board. The thing that we all have to realize is that it's over. Gotta move forward as hard as it may be.

It may show my age, but I'll leave you with this. I was born in 1972. This song was released in 1973. Not to trigger you. Just to let it set in. We have to deal with it. SHE'S GONE, BETTER LEARN HOW TO FACE IT. Great song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVUOtH8feoI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVUOtH8feoI)


Take care of yourself Targeted. You are a great person. Believe it  

I know it's hard mrshambles. When kids are involved it makes it complicated. Maybe you can see the kids away from your ex. How long are you post breakup?

"Make your mess your message"

I just heard this from someone I consider an inspiration.  I LOVE it! 

I'm feeling weird.  I don't think it's a bad weird.  I think it's an unfamiliar weird.  Tomorrow (Christmas) will be 2 months since she left and roughly 6 weeks no contact.  Things have been much calmer.  And much more peaceful since she left.  I've also come a long way with my personal gains.  I still have some issues with loneliness.  I still have moments of sadness.  But I'm out.  And that's about the best Christmas gift I could have asked for this year.

It's just very strange to think that not 2 months ago, I would have done anything for this person I called my wife.  Now I honestly hope I never really have to deal with her ever again.  From married, planning kids, and living together one minute to 2 months later completely moved out, out of my life, and replaced.  That all seems way too fast.  But I think it's just indicative of how the relationship was in general.  Intense and fast paced from start to finish. 

billypilgrim, I remember that I was your first reply on the new members forum. I recommended you to the staying or leaving forum. Sorry for the misdirection, but your found your place. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year billypilgrim. You're on your journey. Take care or yourself!

A little over a month. We were together for 4 1/2 years. A lot of make up and break ups. They are in bed and it's so far away im just sitting here in the room with Her. She's already mirroring the replacement. Makes things super awkward.

When I first started posting, I didn't know what board to post to.  I didn't even fully understand what was going on.  My T pointed me in this direction and up until her mentioning it, I had no idea what BPD/ClusterB disorders even were.  Let alone did I think I could have married one.  And at that time, I honestly thought there could be a possibility of reconciliation.  But as I continued to meet with my T and the fog continued to lift, I realized just how bad things were.  I educated myself on the disorder.  I applied it to my relationship and even what I know about my ex's previous relationships and finally.  Something to explain all of those gut instincts and feelings that something isn't quite right.  All of those red flag moments I ignored or explained away.  There's no way I could go back to that, even if she shows as that girl that she pretended to be 6 years ago.  The one I thought I married.  That person does not exist.

But thanks for responding the first time and Merry Christmas to you as well.  I'm glad I found my journey, I hope everyone else finds peace as well.

I am losing it right now. Just took an anxiety pill. I had a nice Christmas Eve dinner with my sister and her boyfriend at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the river. I sat alone on my side listening to them and their plans. Ruminating about ex. I got home and realized I left my phone in my sisters car so can't call a friend. Thank God for all of you.

He is with replacement tonight and that pisses me off. 2 1/2 months ago we were together talking a wedding. Hate him. Went to my office to call my sister about the phone and picked up his clothes etc. he made such a fuss over but never picked up. I threw them in a dumpster. It felt good. It has been bothering me that here they sat at my office reception desk on the floor for 2 1/2 months. Got home smashed the two perfect silver dollars found on the beach that were suppose to represent him and I. Threw them in the garbage. Two items that triggered me are now gone.

Tomorrow is time with my kids for Christmas. They are at their dad's tonight.  I need to get a hold of myself. I am angry, alone, and sad. I hate what he did to me. I want the pain to go away.

Been there, done that. We were together for 38 months officially. It wasn't fun.

Are you still living with her?

Honestly, I'm absolutely torn. I had a breakdown as soon as I got home from work (15 minutes ago). There should be a Christmas tree in my apartment with her waiting for me to get home. So we could spend our first Christmas together as a couple in our own home. Instead, there's just me, dirty dishes in the sink, and laundry to be done.

I miss her so much, but I don't want to be anywhere near her. I love her so much, but I hate her. I mourn my loss, and wipe away the tears telling myself I'm better off. I want to hold her and kiss her cheeks like I used to, but I want to forget about her. I want that innocent person that I fell in love with, but she doesn't exist. I want the first 6 months of our relationship back and for it to last forever, but I don't want to live forever. I want to erase her from my memory, but I don't want to forget about her. I wanted to love her forever, but forever isn't a word that she understands. I wanted to take care of her, but my efforts were futile. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm lonely. I can't stop crying.

No. Just came to her house for the kids.

downwhim, I started this thread for all of us. You seem like a strong person. Are you?

I know it's hard. I've been there. I'm still there somewhat. I want you to know that you're not alone. Merry Christmas sweetheart.

Dont have my daughter this xmas so that is hard... .but just got a smart tv and wireless internet... .lol good distraction. have a decent new job. respectable and pays decent. i am 110% better off since i lefg him but its a struggle not to contact him tonight. would like to cuddle and watch netflix. probable less to do with him tho. well who he actually is anyway. the good person he pretends to be at first. yea that guy. the real guy... no thanks

So on Xmas eve, what do you want to do?

Fred, thank you. Thanks for listening. Thanks for saying Merry Christmas and thanks for just being here. I am strong but it still hurts... .I pray 2015 brings happiness.

I know it hurts. I hurt. But we have to be strong this time of the year. downwhim, I sent my ex a Christmas gift. U have have to find your middle ground. I can't tell you what to do. Just take care of yourself

I hope there's room for a good one here... .I'm absolutely ecstatic!

I haven't done a Christmas Eve with my family in 9 years, and had never met my 5 great nieces and nephews (from 3 months to 5 years old). I was actually a bit nervous, still with remnants of my ex insinuating that I hated her kids, not to mention being somewhat isolated from my family throughout the 'relationship'.

Today was the best day I've had in years. Tears of joy as I drove away. Best therapy ever. :)

My best wishes to you who are hurting. It can and will get better.

So this is some new fun. I went outside about 2 hours ago to bring my elderly dog inside. Looked in his house, not there. Walked to the gate, and it was standing wide open. That gate is never open unless I open it. The only thing I can figure is when the guy appraised the house 2 weeks ago he didn't latch it back properly, we had high winds this evening and it must have blown it open. So I've just spent the last 1.5 hours walking and driving around my neighborhood looking for my dog, who is elderly and deaf. He's only gotten out one other time in the 16 years I've had him. That was when I went and met my uexBPDgf for the first time exactly 10 years ago. I'll have to wait til daylight to do more searching. All prayers for him will be greatly appreciated... .

My replacement I'm sure will be at my exBPDgf house today they only been together 6 weeks I'm sat here on my own while he opens the presents with her kids he's taken my place within 6 lousy weeks ! I don't normaly enjoy Xmas as it is more for the kids now it's even worse ! I'm sure my ex will be thinking and feeling pretty crap to tho ! Got a call from her yesturday crying feeling regret ! Her new little world is slowly crumbling .As all we did was talk about today for the last few months and what we were gona get the kids Im suffering abit right now but I hope her shame , guilt , regret get the better of her !

Yeah tonight has been pretty bad. Had a talk with ex. Told me

she is indifferent to me and nothing will ever change that. Told me she has no feelings for me like that anymore. Also said we wouldn't ever be back together. I just told her that, yes, we can't be together, and that our relationship never had

another destination than falling apart. I told her the only way it would ever

work was if we both rolled out sleeves up and did work. And that right now I'm focused on me. Dead eyes through the whole thing. Lol. Oh well. I'm hurting a little, but it's a peaceful hurt.

Of course I needed to check fb and saw a picture of my exBPDbf and my replacement. Odd but it didn't bother me much seeing it this time. He looks awful like he aged 10 years in the last 6 months we have been apart. What does bother me is he seems to be social and around all her friends and family. When he was with me he really never wanted to leave the house or have anyone around me taking his attention. Does anyone understand why this is?

I also believe he is drinking alot. My replacement is about 10 years older than him and seems to be a very big drinker!

Merry Christmas  

splitback4good,

I can imagine that is going on with my ex. Replacement would be with the kids and they are a couple now. Yuck. So sick. Supposedly she looks like me. Sick. Wish Christmas over soon... .

Hi,

Its xmas morning here in England and the sun is shining,  I havent posted for several months but read and read every day.  I was with my exb/f around 18months total, but LOTS of break ups and recycles within that period after his scary abusive rages and attempts to blame me for everything.   I have been no contact now for nearly four weeks and the recycle prior to that was only a couple of weeks.   I am still struggling with the very same thoughts and feelings as many people on here, reading and understanding and feeling validated by others' stories is more help to me than words can say.   This site is saving my sanity without a doubt.   

Last night I planned to stay home alone, but at the last minute a friend invited me over to hers, I went and had a chilled out evening :) Prior to that I was starting to ruminate and get anxious, but hey I got out for a while and that helped.   This morning another friend has knocked on my door unexpectedly whilst out walking his dog and came in for coffee.  We sat in the kitchen chatting and laughing at nothing in particular, that has also helped.  Two people who I have known for many years, and love and value greatly as good kind caring friends have reminded me that life is not that bad. 

I still have lots of times of ruminating and have been very anxious about xmas and new year, as last year I was with him and we did have a good time.   This morning at the moment I feel calm and peaceful, and am perfectly ok with a quiet xmas.  I have two wonderful grown up sons, one will be here with me today and the other one living away will be with his girlfriend.  I will have to see my family at some point today or tomorrow... .lots of hidden FOO stuff always lurking... .but hopefully I will manage it without getting upset.   Oddly enough whenever my mum upsets me, which is very frequent if I spend time with her, this is when I get an unbearable longing to contact exb/f!

I feel very sad that he has not contacted me, but did not expect him to as the pattern of late had been me contacting him - not sure how that evolved!  Our last breakup was as mean as ever, with him shouting how selfish I am, and it was all my fault as I am all me,me,me.  I won't bore you with details but it was horrid and he packed all my stuff and made me take it saying he would never let me in again after that day.  I text two weeks ago saying this is an awful way to leave things after all the time we have known each other, and lots of good times so can we at least be friendly and talking.  No reply, so that's that but oh how the silence can make you feel so worthless and meaningless... .maybe he is with someone else, whatever.   I am still struggling with not contacting him as my emotions are often still all over the place, and some days are soo difficult.  My thoughts and feelings can change from moment to moment, sometimes I am still overwhelmed with wanting to contact him or blaming myself or feeling worried if he is ok.   

I just want to say Happy Christmas to every one on here, wishing us all a peaceful 2015.   To all of us who are really struggling this holiday, we will get past this and we will feel better and life will be good again 

I woke up at 6 am Dec 24th.

Got my coffee, checked my email, walked the dogs, paid bills then jumped in the car and headed to work.

Worked from 10 am until 4:30 pm.

Ran to Target and bought some mascara, swim suit bottoms (too big, gotta go back) and some travel containers to put my shampoo and conditioner in.

Arrived home about 6pm.

Cleaned up the kitchen, made dinner (totally messed up the kitchen!) rubbed the turkey breast and wrapped it up and put it in the fridge.

Ate dinner, walked the dogs, and watched Cloudy w a Chance of Meatballs and Kung Foo Panda with my adult children.

Fell asleep around 9pm on the couch.

Kids sent me to bed around 11 pm.

Woke up at 6am and here I am.

Today I will spend with my children.

We'll have smoked turkey and some sides for dinner.

I didn't buy gifts this year; I was just too busy.

I have a list of things I need to get done each day for the next 30 days... .

BECAUSE THE LORD SOLD MY HOUSE!

Xmas is just another day for me. No triggers, nothing special.

This holiday I can take it or leave it, and given the choice, I'd leave it.

On edge she will text. She hasn't so far in 4 months, but xmas may bring out a conscious in her(hope not).

Hey y'all,

Hope you will all get through this season well. I am surrounding myself with friends and family to keep me distracted and I am doing fairly ok. My mantra these days:

Silence is better then bullsh!t... .

I keep reminding myself of that over and over... .

Hang in there all!

Warm season greetings 

I wasn't to bad until yesturday when my ex rang our mutuel freinds phone and spoke to her she was crying and more filled with shame and regret . Still with my replacement tho so I'm sure her Xmas went better than mine did ! I feel utter crap right now tbh I'm not angry just hurt ! I can't beleive I let her get to me now I guess if it wasn't xmas day Id be ok !

Merry Christmas everyone. My hope is that everyone on this site can find some peace on this Christmas day. And that you know, even if your alone there are people that care about you. Even if your ex hasn't wished you a Merry Christmas, somewhere deep down they probably do want you to be happy. They just can't process or convey their emotions like an emotionally healthy person does.       

My ex gf is sharing the day with the replacement and her kids. I don't think Me or my kids are a thought to her. It's cool.

No they don't if they did she wouldn't of rang my mates phone to speak to me ! This is why I blocked she rung up to mess with my head getting all upset and crying like she regrets it ! I bet she still had a good day she's got my replacement to emotionally vomit on ! F**k sake I'm getting angry now I havnt been really angry since we split but right now I'm fuming who does she think she is !

Feeling sad, sick-  wondering how he's able to smile and be okay when it's Christmas and I'm crushed .  I know he's running to be with his ex and that should be okay because, my BPD is violent and without him running to her, I don't think he'd leAve me alone . I just left not even a week ago because I fear him- it's what I chose- yet I'm crying, jealous and wishing I never left- I love him-  one day at a time-  MERRY XMAS! 

I found peace until my exBPD contacted me via text yesterday. He wished me a hbd. I told him thank you. Later that night I said hello and he asked what I was doing. Sounded as if he was interested only to make me feel bad later with sacarsm. Then he ended the night saying hbd again and enjoy your Christmas. He mentioned he was laying down listening to music and wanted me to check out the artist and tell me what I think. It brought back good memories but then I was left sad on my bday. Since out breakup was so recent I guess its hard to come to terms that we ddidn't spend the day together. He knew how much I wanted to be together and its like he purposely sabataged the r/s right before my bday and Xmas.

I can understand why I am so attached to the fantasy he sold me in the beginning of our r/s.  

I will never hear from mine. He is so impulsive he probably has the replacement moved into his place already. I do not wish him a Merry Christmas and I am sure I am the last person on his mind today.

 

I feel ya. Regardless of how she may feel, the replacement I'm sure is there or soon will be to open gifts with her kids. She wouldn't call me if her life depended on it. We are both stubborn, but it is what it is. Hard because last year I was out shopping with her, helped her wrap gifts and shared in the moment. Now, I'm alone as my kids are with their mom. Thank god there's a Godzilla marathon on. Happy holidays BPD family. I pray for happiness for us in 2015

Well I'm back home now. I knew I shouldn't have gone. She did a pretty good job of making me feel like I don't matter. Oh well. Weird thing... .I've been decently okay. Miss her from time to time. But while I was at her place, I could literally FEEL the loneliness (codependant) being pulled out of my by her. I could FEEL myself trying to connect to her, wanting to be close. The drive home it was really bad. But now I'm home. I just popped a top, and I'm fine. That's the weirdest experience I've ever had. I've never had her just up and tell me she is I indifferent to me. And I know those things change on a dime with them after the devaluation starts. But man, I just don't think can do that again. That feeling... .That empty feeling she drew out of me. It hurt bad. I lost my best friend. But I know the truth is... .I never had her to begin with. That's the real tragedy. I have 15 more years of this with her. It scares the crap outta me.

Hi billypilgrim,

Yeah much of those ideas resonates with me, and I'm sure others here as well.  I too felt I would have done anything for my ex, and vice versa, and then it was over and I was replaced before I realized it was over.  Intense.  Bizarre.  Painful and sick.  I'm so glad to read you feel it's a "gift" to be out.  Excellent!

 |iiii  I'm with you on this one!

Oh, I hear you. What a conflicted time. I could have written your post almost verbatim. It's almost fortunate that she texted me today. Pure invective. Lots of name calling. I'm still sad and emotional but her anger helps me see what I'm working so hard to escape.

ShadowIntheNight, I hope you found your dog!  And how very strange that the last time he got out was when you met your gf 10 yrs ago! 

Please tell me you found your dog…my heart is breaking for you!  Please.