BPDFamily.com

My x fiance left me after 6 years , its only because of her weird behaviours and what friends and family have been telling me post BU as well as taking time to ruminate that I started to read about BPD ... .I'd like to describe the BU as well as her behaviours over the years so those more experianced in the disorder can perhaps advise if I was dating a BPD waif type .

OK first off these are traits I noticed in the relationship from day one .

Thinking I am a man god .

Childish sulking

Temper tantrums

Irritability

Mood swings

Over reaction to any and all percieved slights/criticism

Need for emotional support

Resentment

Over sensitivity

Selfishness

Passive aggressive anger

Anxiety

24 hour over -analysing of me and the relationship as well as life I'm general

Paranoia

Lack of trust (always one eye open attitude)

Dysfunctional upbringing (alcoholic emotionally abusive father )

One instance of trying to slash wrist / take an o/d (not serious attempt more frustration / drama seeking )

Uptight stressed

Insecure

Inability to accept blame for pretty much anything

Poor me attitude

Constant illness coughs , colds, allergies

Manipulation and need for control

OK now onto the BU

3 days before my bday she decides "her feelings have changed' and she needs space ...

Previous to this she had been on a girls holiday and a few months before planning our wedding as well as coming out with statements like " I would kill myself if something happened to you " and "I have always thought we were meant to be " . she comes back from holiday and is cold distant ( I later find out she used the 4 day break to see if she missed me ) comes back gets I'll (as usual) retreats to her bedroom (typical isolating behaviour)

I get more and more fed up with her bad moods and irritable moods so for once leave her to it instead of cuddling her and asking whats wrong I get so fed up I post a Facebook status "must be great to be single " this pretty much sets her off .

I take off for my brothers after she asks for space and come back on my birthday to find she has left . I email her on the Friday angry and hurt and tell her that its over ... .she tells me she cried all night And just wanted space to think . we talk Sunday and she tells me she no longer loves me wants me to meet someone else but not screw girls in her bed "what the heck" . I respect her wish and agree ... .since then she has only contacted or spoke to me to either get her stuff or complain about how much money she has lost by having to move out to  how far she has had to travel to work  ... .I give her the day to get her stuff and she cleans the flat out taking everything and I mean everything even baking trays and curtain polls . she tells me she is resentful for all the money she has spent and never once tells me she is upset or sad because we are breaking up in fact she tells me she is a "good person " and how else could she have broken up from me .

She even charges me for an a/v cabinet and only accuses me of being upset because of the financial situation she has left me in or only wanting the a/v cabinet to sell it for more than we played for it .

She takes back all the bday presents she has bought me and after having to rehome our dog he dies due to liver cancer . when I tell her she just texts "I'm sorry to hear that hope your OK xx"

Through the while thing she has shown zero compasion, care or feeling for me or the fact we spent 6 years together , the dog we had since a pup is dead , and my birthday is ruined . let alone the shock she has given me and the financial mess she has left me in debts she has now not agreed to honour  ... .its like I'm dead to her and she can only muster at best "hope your OK x " or "I'm sorry I hurt you x" .

She posts pics of her on FB out enjoying the single life (extremely insensitive)

Its like she is an angry , resentful child who has acted out and holds me responsible and can't understand how I could be upset .

Does this sound like typical BPD splitting black behaviours ? There's more than this but I have paraphrased so as not to write an essay ... .Or is this just a women who does not love me hence does not care ?

 *welcome*

Sorry you are going tbrough this. You are at the right place. My ex and I recently ended our r/s and this forum has helped me understand this disorder while going through my greiving stafes. She sounds like my exbf. He actually possessed both BPD & NPD traits. Its all about him, he takes no responsibility for his actions, blames me for everything, falsely accuse me of liar and cheating, belittles me, agonizes me, gaslight me, manipulates me,  u name it he does it. But takes no responsibility and acts as if I was nothing. We were NC for a week aand yesterday was my birthay, he sent me a text knowing that would stir up all types of emotions. He tried to pry into my business and then rejected me. I felt so horrible and stupid for entertaining him. But it definitely sounds like she may have a personality disorder.

Hopefully us both can enjoy the rest of our Christmas not thinking about our ex. Merry Christmas   *  

Thanks and sorry to hear you have had to go through similar pain  

I've never been lower in my life after this BU

I deleted her number from my phone and have been strictly NC for 3 weeks now ...

I got a text today which I think was from her

"Hope you are having a nice xmass "

As I wasn't sure who it is I asked "who's this"

And got the reply "very mature"

Now I feel like she thinks I'm being childish should I respond ?

I wouldn't recommend responding. I kept responding to those little questions and it only left me upset. It seems like they play this sick game to see if they still have control and once you respond they find someway to reject you. In my opinion it may be wise not to even reply.

Is there a way to get them back after they split you black?

Dobie,

I recognize you from another forum. You need to stay no contact and heal from this. She is attempting to re-engage and you did the right thing. Stay NC now. She will re-engage and you will need to play it VERY loose.

Find out if there is infidelity etc.

Your situation will likely require counseling etc. if it is to ever work.

If she truly is an unrecovered borderline. It will never work until she gets help.

Hi Joe,

The say hindsight a "b___" if I knew what I know now I would not allowed her to dysregulate and seen the triggers . if she had BPD traits (which I believe she does) they are not severe as some .

If I go hardcore NC she will be lost to me ... .

I want to protect myself but at the same time I do very much want her back.

I'm not sure how badly she treated you but right now she is gone. Move on. If she wants to be with you or talk to you, she'll contact you again. Stay strong.

Pretty bad but like an infant  full of anger and resentment not a nearly 30 adult woman .

If she does contact me , how should I respond? Though I doubt she will now after she thought I was being childish ... she is very stubborn

Hi Dobie,

I just read your posts. I am sorry you are hurting.     Are you truly interested in reconnecting with your ex? 

Yes .

I understand your frustration with her behavior.  PwBPD are essentially like a child trapped in an adult's body.  What expectations do you have from her?

I guess to want me back and to try again (with my new found insights)  and to not see me or us as the source of her unhappiness . I know I will never get an apology even when she ruined my bday she justified it and then took back the presents she bought for me .

I'm not a 100% she is BPD though she shares a lot of the traits as I listed . I also know its a spectrum disorder so she may be moderate etc

Something bugs me though if she split me black would she have said when I spoke to her early on in the BU

Me : "The worse thing is you have nobody around you to fight my corner"

Her :" I never let anyone bad mouth you ."

She then goes on to bad mouth me herself however lol

I thought if they split you black that's it your the "devil" ?

Take a moment to think about what you said in the beginning of this post.  It is a spectrum disorder. 

Dissociative splitting is not a cut and dry thing.  My pwBPD never truly "painted me black" completely. 


Your expectations may not be feasible.  A part of the disorder is a pwBPD tends to associate negative feelings, such as shame, anger, guilt, and sadness with the non disordered partner. 

I am glad that you realize that you may not ever get an apology from your pwBPD about ruining your birthday.  My pwBPD ruined my birthday this year and I never received an apology either.  It is very hard for pwBPD to accept responsibility for their behaviors because, of their core feelings. 

Have you thought about your role in the relationship?

Yes eagles i have very much so, the last few years I enabled her ... I put her needs in front of mine . I did everything to please her and got little back apart from anger and resentment . once the core idealisation phased dimmed her more selfish , demanding resentful side grew till it culminated into the madness and total callous and "its not my fault " behaviour of the BU

I don't see how she would ever come back to be honest she feels no guilt or shame for her actions and is now convinced in her gut "we are not meant to be" only weeks months and through the years she always said "I've always felt we are meant to be "

I god damm miss her its been three months and I'd take a ___ty day with her rather than a great day without her . I have identified co - dependent and people pleasing traits in my self through this experience and that's something with my T I want to work on .

I feel guilty for even wanting her back after the way she acted , but in love her and believe she is sick and I at least want to try with my new found knowledge to help her.

Acknowledging your part in the relationship is a great start.   |iiii  I am a codependent myself.  I have been working with my T with my behavior.  It has helped me immensely.  

I thought I could fix/help/save/change my bf.   I learned that he is the only one that can change his own behavior.  He took the steps to help himself on his own.  The only thing I can do is be supportive and understanding.  

It is hard for us to understand that their core feelings mainly consist of shame, guilt, sadness, and anger.  My bf uses defense mechanisms to avoid these feelings.  From his behavior, it can seem that he is absolutely not compassionate or empathetic.  He basically shuts down to avoid those feelings. 

Are you currently in contact with her?

Hi eagles ,

That xmass message was the first contact I have had from her in weeks , apart from the occasional text about shutting down joint bills etc .

Since the BU the most comppasion or care from her was after a conversation before she gutted our flat and told me she was charging me for what she left behind was a

"Are you OK x "

After our dog died a few weeks back

"I'm very sorry to hear that, hope your OK xx"

I have not reached out to her as she is just dismissive (your only upset because of the money)  resentful and cold .

I'm surprised she even sent that xmass text .

Again reasons probably are

1.) Look what a nice person I am , how mature

2.) Will he respond do I still have control

3.) Guilt (doubtful)

I regret being so reasonable about the BU and not telling her once how much I love her but my pride/anger about how she has behaved stopped me .

Hi Dobie,


I think she was sincere when she texted you to wish you a nice Christmas.  She could have not texted and completely ignored you. The negative reasons seem to be the most plausible, when you are factoring in the erratic behavior of a pwBPD ,but pwBPD do feel guilt/shame.  Intense feelings of guilt/shame/sadness/hurt are central to the disorder.

I received similar texts from my bf when he left. He constantly asked me if I was okay and apologized for hurting me.  It was really confusing because, his behavior did not match what he was saying/texting.  Almost immediately after he left, he was resentful and cold.  Although I knew he was disordered, I analyzed his behavior as a non-disordered person.  I started to blame myself for everything, even his decision to leave.

I had to initiate all of the communication between us. I gave him space but, I wanted to let him know that I was still there for him.  I kept most of the communication via text.  Texting seemed to be easier for him and triggered him less. It was really difficult because, even the smallest things would trigger him.  I kept it simple with texts such as, "I hope you are doing well." 

Maybe you can try sending a similar text to her?     

Yes she can't face me ... .The BU has all been via text or phone apart from the first day when she told me her feeling  had changed .

Its very hard to know what to do ...  If I txt her  back she gains control right now I'm the weak one control is very important to her that and it makes me look weak , she screwed me over and yet I'm texting her . if she is disordered my strength is the most powerful aphrodisiac rather than showing her I'm still in love/care at least that's what I've read on the boards .

I told her before the worst of her behaviours manifested post BU I would always be there for her as a friend . she told me that meant a lot and the same .

She is not missing me or regretting her desicion she has a wall of support now family and friends to reinforce it as well . And perhaps even a new BF

I'm devastated my whole body, mind and soul ache for her but I only want her back or I'd rather stay dead to her its too painful otherwise .

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what you want to do.  I understand how being unsure is painful internal conflict.    

Why do you think that reaching out would make you look weak or lose control? Why do you think that control is important to her? 

Because it is ... for example she flipped out when she thought I'd changed the locks even though we had BU she still has all my family photos , bank statements etc even a spare key in her possession ... she threatened me when I challenged her that we would not stay friends or see her when I tried to exert my own wants ... she is terrified of losing control .

In the first few years of the r/s I was the alpha this is when I was in the idealisation stage mostly as the threats to leave me started to come as well as her growing dissatisfaction and resentment towards me I tried harder and harder to please her culminating in her walking all over me and becoming more detached and selfish to the ultimate post BU where she told me I've lost all respect for you I used to hang on your every word .

It feels like I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't . I want her back but I'm clueless how or even if its possible after she has split me black .

In my opinion, I think it is more about her abandonment issues, rather than control.

My bf threatened to leave a lot. This was a result of his own fear of abandonment. The push/pull behavior of pwBPD is a paradox. 

I tried constantly pleasing my bf as well.  It did not work.  I let him walk all over me because, I did not set boundaries.   

Thank you Dobie and Eagles for this thread. It is helping me very much with my waif friend whom I believe is BPD. Dobie, I so understand your pain and confusion.

Eagles, I would love for you to elaborate on the following quote, as I beleive it will help me further. You said, "A part of the disorder is a pwBPD tends to associate negative feelings, such as shame, anger, guilt, and sadness with the non disordered partner."

Dobie - I understand the need you have for having control at the moment. For me, I feel that if I "give in" and contact her, there is a chance she will feel violated, stalked, etc. There is also the worry that if I don't get a response, I will go into a tailspin of abandonment, confusion, guilt, shame. I just don't need that right now.

I, too, hit a wall one night and decided not to play into her usual "game." This was after my dog had died, and she didn't even call! And she was my dog sitter! When I didn't "play" anymore, the response was: I need time and space apart.

My T suggested I stay NC. I'm glad I did. It helped me sort out my own feelings, and helped me get a clearer perspective on the disorder and how it hooked into my co-depedent nature. I  bascially made this person my higher power. Her control and manipulation trained me very well, and was becoming painful. I didn't hear a word for six months. I recently saw her, and she asked me if she could give me a hug, and then asked me to sit with her and talk. There was no apology, no mention of the last time we talked, or the NC for the past six months. Mind you we used to talk daily. I didn't give up much, just let her do all the talking - mostly asking questions about me and my life. So strange. I'm clear that she has some sort of disorder(s) on some spectrum somewhere.

I care about her and want her to know that, but I think deep down she knows that because I did allow her to give me a hug, and I did sit with her a bit. I wanted the friendship back so much. The way it was. It was a very deep and intimate plutonic relationship for nearly three years, but clearly, I got too close and she bolted.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Dobie. Stay strong, and keep posting. At the very least, you are helping me!

Dobie,

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having and you have definitely found the right site to help and support you through this.

I've been in that position you find yourself in right now and know its not easy. Feelings and emotions being torn in every direction, just wanting things to go back to the way they once were.

We only have control over ourselves so now is the time to turn that focus and all that energy you had for your gf and direct it at yourself. You deserve it.

You ask the same question many of us once did. You want her back, despite the pain it all causes to ourselves. Part of that is our own ego, they build us up like we are the most important person in the world and that we matter to someone and then in the blink of an eye, its all gone and we desperately struggle to get that feeling back again.

For a pwBPD it's a survival instinct. A lot of what they do and say is for their benefit because they dont want you to leave them. However, those feelings get too intense for them and they fear abandonment so push you away. Its an element of control, some are aware, others aren't. Ultimately its us that are left hurting.

They key to making anything work is through patience and hard work. It doesn't happen overnight and you can't control someone into thinking and feeling, it has to come from them. The only thing you can do right now is learn as much as you can and work on getting yourself back to a healthy place. It may be at the end of your journey, you decide after all that you are worth much more than you give yourself credit for and would very much like to have someone in your life who can reciprocate that love. It may be that you and your gf find a way through it all.

If you decide on the latter, unless she decides on treatment and to heal within herself, this is the cycle that stays for the rest of her life. In order to be there for her, as I say, takes patience and dedication and lots of frustration on your behalf. It isn't an easy road and takes a lot of strength too. Start your journey by taking care of you and focussing on what you have to do for yourself. You are worth it an much more 

Keep on going so sad for what you have been through but feel uplifted that it seems for the most part you have got to the other side . I can't wait to get there :)

I desperately want to tell her how much I miss and love her , but she won't care and it won't change a thing . she needs to want me back and right now she thinks her delusions are real I.e I was and am only upset because of the loss of income and material possessions .  its why she tried to punish me by taking back the presents / stripping the house etc

She is a distrustful person , words mean nothing to the BPD only actions ...

Right now she is thinking she has done nothing wrong , I don't love him , he deserved this and I'm right . But I want to stay "friends" so I don't feel bad and or in case I need him again .

I don't think someone can win someone back who says I don't love you anymore even dreaming and hoping is just prolonging my suffering . she is convinced "we are not meant to be " and this BU was for the best . Add a PD in and the chance anything I do will change her mind is like winning a lottery .

My whole mind, body and soul is aching but I have to just walk and keep on walking ... .

I thought of one last shot at her emotional bough but again if she has another b/f now urghh

Anyway if I did I would text this .

I still love you and never stopped just because I didn't say it doesn't mean I don't feel it . dont think because i didnt fight for you or make it hard i was not hurting but I love you enough to respect how you feel and that's not to be with me .  I'm strong enough to walk alone if I have to you never trusted me but in the end i proved you always could .I can't be friends with you I can't be in contact with you till you become a ghost to me you have and always will be my first and last love .

Ripped heart :

Thank you very much , I need to work on myself no doubt ... .And my issues I can't be in her life if she doesn't want me there though ... .I can't make her want me to be her bf or even a friend ... .

I want her to let me love her and help her but she won't ... .

Anyone know anything I can do apart from try and forget about her please let me know ?

PwBPD have intense feelings of shame, guilt, anger, self-loathing, and sadness.  A core feature is fear of abandonment.  PwBPD make efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.  While doing so, pwBPD engage in various defense mechanisms/cognitive distortions, such as splitting, avoidance, and, projecting. 

PwBPD can either idealize (paint white) their partner or devalue (paint black) their partner.  A pwBPD associates these feelings towards the non disordered partner.  Essentially a pwBPD, bases their view of the partner on feelings instead of facts. 

Projecting is a companion defense mechanism to splitting.  The pwBPD projects their own internal feelings onto the non-disordered partner. They do this because it is hard for them to cope with their own feelings. 

Avoidance is basically a pwBPD ignoring real or perceived feelings of abandonment, rejection, or hurt.

Why not just text her that?  Assuming what she is thinking or how she is going to react is only going to make it harder for you. 

Well every time we have spoken or texted over the BU its been a case of no remorse , her blaming me or just being a b***h

Let's say I text her

I love you she is not going to say I feel the same .

If I text her hope your OK it validates her past behaviour .

And to top it off she could be with someone else ( I have my suspicions) after she told me I deserve to have a sex life (she had been withholding for ages) comes back from a girls holiday with her single friend "different"

Tells me I will find someone before she does though feels resentment I told her she will never find another man like me , and not to screw girls in her bed as well as I will find another girl to buy our house with .

Sounds like she had my replacement lined up

Two weeks into the BU she text me "I know I'm selfish but I miss you " at 1am

I responded the next day with a clip from the notebook (her fave film)

She apologised for saying she missed me , and she does after 6 years but that does not mean we are meant to be together .

Talking about difficult things when a pwBPD is dysregulating, usually tends to result in projecting or another defense mechanism.

Have you read the lessons on the right side of the page?

Thanks just read that :)  this is assuming she has strong BPD / NPD / PPD traits which I suspect but she has never been diagnosed as "she doesn't have a problem "

What could I say to her though ... .

If I say I love you I can guarantee she will respond

I still care about you , but we are not meant to be .

Crushing  

I would send a simple text like, "Hi, how are you doing?" 

I'm fine you ?

Was that the response? 

No it will be

You really do not know unless you do it.    If that would be the response, it is not necessarily bad.  It is a typical respond that can lead to a conversation.  Are you hesitant of texting her because, you are worried what the response may be?

You have to remember she is either angry , indifferent or blaming me every time we talk or text yes I'm worried she will use it as an ego boost ... .She wants me to be OK about all this to EASE her guilt .


She said I don't love or respect you

She moved out and is getting a new flat

She is posting pics of her on FB out with friends having a good time

She blames me and is angry

She may have another man ... .I'm questioning what I can hope to accomplish ?

I do not know what you are looking to accomplish.  Only you know that.  Ultimately, you have to decide what is best for you. You have a couple of choices to consider: trying to contact her or being no contact.  A definitive answer to that question is not truly necessary.  I do not think there is a time frame either.  It is all reliant on what you want to do. 

The best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself and what you want.     

I want her back but I realise that is impossible

I understand how difficult that must be for you.    Have you considered taking some time for yourself?